This is my new favorite tech parody. OR IS IT!!!???!

I consider myself #blessed to have correspondents like Sarah Fidelibus who send me links to amazing shit like this piece in "re/code" (which I had never heard of but is connected to CNBC in some way?) called "The 2,500 Person Tech Mixer That Was Not a Party."  Do you know about Poe's Law?  It basically says that, at some point, extreme viewpoints are indistinguishable from a parody of same.  There needs to be a tech corollary because it's getting impossible to distinguish actual tech and gentrification stories from parodies of them.  This article is a prime example.  Let's grab a quote from "Andrew Vecchio, the co-founder and CEO of Startup and Tech Mixer," to illustrate:

“This is our fifth mixer. People are like, ‘Andrew, what could be next?’ And it’s like, ‘Oh. Done.’ We have a mechanical bull. Game-changer. Innovate.” 

Hahahaha. That's great!  It's a perfect parody of the BS-speak endemic to tech culture.  EXCEPT IT'S APPARENTLY REAL.  That guy actually said that, unless the reporter made it up, which I hope is true.

MECHANICAL BULL.  GAME-CHANGER.  DISRUPT THE PARTY SCENE.

This maybe-true-or-not not-party happened at the W Hotel, which is just perfect.  I happened to be at the W Hotel a couple of weeks ago to meet a friend who was in town and the W Hotel is like somebody decided 1998 or 1999 was the Best Year and froze everything there. You know how every bar now is Edison bulbs and reclaimed wood?  NOT THE W!  The bar there is all hard white surfaces and blinking LEDs and trance music.  It looks EXACTLY like the last dot-com crash.  Since this party sounds like it was airlifted out of 1999, it was a perfect venue choice.

Anyway, the article goes on and on and gets more unbelievable as it goes but don't take my word for it, read it yourself.  Disrupt.

UPDATE: Sam Biddle also writes about this event for Valleywag, and makes a lot of the same points I did, but with pictures and more research.

Apropos of nothing, a peek into my disturbing thought process. Also, Downton Abbey.

This is totally irrelevant and I don't even know why I'm posting this but you know in the opening credits for Downton Abbey when there's a shot of a skinny feather duster of some kind gently dusting a chandelier or whatever?

For the first two seasons or so, I thought that was a CAT'S PAW.  I know.  Take a minute.  I wasn't really thinking about "Why would a cat be lovingly caressing the light fixtures in this English mansion?" or "How would a cat be able to reach a chandelier?" or "Why are you so fucking weird?"  I didn't really think about it until I realized not that long ago that it was a duster of some kind and not a cat's paw.

Anyway, that's about it for now.  Not every blog post can be about overpriced real estate and get 15,000 views!  This one should be good for about 43.  If you're one of the 43, THANKS.

Have a nice weekend.

The Bachelor: Don't Fuck on the First Date

Here we are in Vietnam and I can’t even make any Vietnam War jokes because I already did that once and also because it has now been longer since the Vietnam War ended than it was between World War II and the 80's and no one on this show or probably reading this was even alive when the Vietnam War happened.  Anyway, there was an unpopular war in Vietnam a long time ago and then a lot of people won Oscars as a result.

OK, back to the show.  Mom Renee gets the first One-on-Whan™ and for some reason this news makes her “palms hurt.”  Hmmm, our first recorded case of Bachelor Stigmata.  Hail Renee Full of Hair Product Blessed Art Thou Above All Soccer Moms.  Their date is in the charming Vietnamese town of Hoi An and Whan “can’t wait to make her enjoy the day.”  FUCKING SOAK UP THE ATMOSPHERE BITCH. DO WHAT I SAY.  DO IT NOW.  Oh, check it out!  Vietnamese dogs are super cute!

So they stop by some fabric shop or something to get a dress made for her I guess?  Mom thinks this is “fascinating” and “amazing” but I would describe it more as “boring” or “really boring” or “still boring.”  There’s the usual walking around and buying a racist coolie hat for Mom’s kid.  For the Night Segment, Mom is wearing her new dress to Indoor Dinner.  Blah blah blah she got married young and they grew apart.  Whan thinks her eyes are “full of life” which I guess is good and he gives her a rose and then they’re out lighting candles in Chinese takeout containers and putting them in the water and making a wish.  My wish would be “Please don’t let this fucking thing drift under this flimsy wooden pier and burn us all to death.”

I realize this is a terrible picture.

Group Date wherein Whan says we are going to do “very traditional Vietnamese –” and here he pauses – “Things.”  Yes, things! This means getting in some wooden bowls and paddling around which is mostly an excuse to make out with Clare.  Then it’s off to the community gardens to PICK SOME PRODUCE! Hopefully they’re making 60 cents an hour and getting doused with carcinogenic pesticide for the real immersion experience.  Anyway, after dinner (Vietnamese food, I’m guessing), there’s supposed to be a cocktail party but it’s mostly just Whan hanging out in his hot tub with Clare.  Once again, his “No Kissing” policy appears to be somewhat flexible, because he and Clare and slobbering into each other’s mouths like Saint Bernards.  Back with the chicks, Seriousleen, as usual, is being kind of a downer and wants him to see her “as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  OK then.  Clare ends up with the rose and then shows up at his room in the middle of the night and I think they’re hinting that they hit it or something.  God, you do not want to knock Clare up.  Hairstylist.  Sacramento.  I don’t think I need to say anything else.

Rootsy One on One!  I think she got a Vietnamese touchup because the roots actually don’t look as aggressively black.  Anyway, this is going to be one of those Adventure Dates where we rappel down into a cave that is literally named “Hell.”  That’s some dynamic branding!  As with all Adventure Dates that you’re not personally on, it’s boring.  We’re back topside for Night Portion and the true Hell here is what Vietnam is doing to Rootsy’s hair.  She’s on and on about pediatric nursing which is actually kind of a downer tbh.  She gets the rose and some face kissing and is “electrified” like she “stuck her finger in a light socket” and I’m not sure I want her pediatric nursing my kid.

The ladies arrive for the Cocktail Party carefully arranged on a boat.  There is shocking news!  We are cutting 3 tonight.  That is not good for Maybe Black Danielle, who has gotten less screen time than Anonymous Vietnamese Produce Family.  Whan gets busy making out with Mom and his No Kissing Rules are now beyond comprehension.  Oh, a sit-down with Clare! He says “Maybe it wasn’t right, but what happened happened.”  I guess they did it!  He doesn't want his daughter to know.  Gee, maybe don’t tell her then?  C is now crying and Whan’s talking her down like he does every episode.  This is boring.

Rose Cer.  Whan starts by gazing meaningfully at his Serial Killer Shrine of Ladies.

THREE MUST DIE TONIGHT the voice in his head says.  Who’s in?  Seriousleen, NBA Progeny Bearer…..

LAZY EYE REPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only a little sleepy.

OK, back to it.  ChelsieWOOOOO, Kat, Andi Who Needs to Stop Bitching All The Time.

ADIOS Lazy Eyes, Alison (I think?) and Maybe Black Danielle.  No surprises there.  Hopefully the next episode is better because this one failed to move me.

This $10,500 rental in the Mission is absurd

Via Matt Graves (RT courtesy BurritoJustice) comes this truly unbelievable rental listing.  Since it's on Craigslist, and listings on Craigslist, like dandelion spores or red supergiants, are impermanent and ephemeral, I've screencapped part of it below:

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE IS A 2-BEDROOM IN THE MISSION FOR TEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

We all knew rents were out of control.  But this.  I can't even.  So many problems here.

FIRST, if you have $10,500 a month to spend on housing, why the fuck would you give it to someone else? $10,000 is roughly the mortgage payment on a $2,000,000 mortgage. Buy a $1,000,000 place and cut your monthly housing nut in half!  Use the rest to buy $4 toast!  Fuck, buy $8 or $10 toast and you're STILL coming out ahead!

SECOND, that ad.  Oh my God that ad.  "With the hottest microclimate in San Francisco, Mission is caliente."  Are you fucking kidding me.  Are you intentionally making fun of the Mission's Latino heritage, or was that just a happy accident?  For the love of God, fellow white people, do not call things "caliente."  This is one step removed from putting on a giant sombrero and poncho and going to a Cinco de Mayo party.

THIRD, if you MUST rent, here's a 3-bedroom penthouse on Russian Hill with parking for $10K.  You save $500!  And it's SO MUCH BETTER than the Mission place.  Plus, you won't look like a total asshole walking out of that new building on 19th and Valencia.  On Russian Hill, everybody's rich!  No one will care that you're a rich too!

In conclusion, please do not rent this unit.

Put-Upon Billionaire? COME TO MY SEMINAR!

Man, it's getting tough out there for an unfathomably wealthy plutocrat.  If we're not getting Kristallnachted, some dumpy burg is getting stingy all of the sudden with hosting our yacht race!

That's why I'm offering this special weekend-long seminar for us, entitled "Fun Percent for the One Percent."  Join us at a to-be-disclosed later location, where you'll dine on five-star cuisine, enjoy a relaxing round of golf or polo, hunt the occasional endangered species, and have the opportunity to participate in one of our many course offerings, such as:

Selecting the Right Summer Place This Summer

Aspen, Jackson, Hamptons, Lille?
Which summer house fits the bill?

Do you find yourself perpetually confused about which summer place to go to after a long spring looting pension funds and counting your profits from hedge funding?  In this session, we'll work together to figure out which retreat works best for you.  (It is helpful, but not required, to have at least three options to select from.)

When Your Civic Leader Won't Heel

Is your paid-for mayor, senator, congressperson, or UN delegate not returning your calls immediately?  ARRRRRGH SO FRUSTRATING.  We've all been there.  Let's explore the best ways to correct this annoying behavior, whether it be the rapid application of campaign cash funneled through the children of your employees or the charmingly old-school junket to Hong Kong.  (NOTE: Please have the names of your civic leader's wife and offspring available.)

G4 No More!

Oh no, are you still riding around in a G4? Don't let Ellison catch you in that hooptie!  Let's get you set up in a new ride.  Maybe a Dassault Falcon 7X for those short trips.  When you've got a long haul to Davos, though, it's a Boeing or bust!  Just ask Larry Page.  He doesn't go anywhere without his 767.  Anything less and you might as well be riding the bus!

Meh.

Spanish for Maids and Gardeners

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I needed to tell Luis "Careful with that topiary!"  In this brief class, you'll learn a number of useful phrases, such as "Please bring the brie to room temperature," "I spilled some yuan in the study, please clean it up," and "If you're using the leaf blower, direct it towards Benioff's yard."

How to Write an Op-Ed

Need to vent a little bit about how the hyenas and worker drones are insufficiently appreciative of the gifts you lavish upon them?  In this session, we'll learn about how to craft the perfect Mr. Burns-style outrage piece.  You'll learn such phrases as "know their place," "look at all I've done for you" and especially "I'm the real victim here."  Breakout sessions with Greg Gopman and Tom Perkins ("Perkie").

Is That An Art? I Want to Buy An Art

Nothing says fabulously wealthy like having a one-of-a-kind piece of art, but how do you pick?  Stupid Steve Wynn bought all the good stuff already!  Let's look at what kind of unbelievably overpriced not very good art makes a perfect Fuck You World purchase.  If you think spending $75 million for a cantaloupe submerged in a pitcher of Tang makes sense, this is for you!  FEATURED: Damien Hirst, Jeff Koons.

If you get a chance, please stop by the Scion Locator Booth, where we'll help you determine, in case you've forgotten, which boarding school you sent your overprivileged child to.  "Choate!," you'll exclaim, slapping your forehead.  "Of course!"

Oh God, here comes Bill Gates.  He's the worst!  Luckily, you can duck into our Philanthropy Avoidance Chamber for a quick glass of Krug 1928 and a dollop of caviar.  Bonsoir!

The Bachelor: C'mon, kids! Let's go to the KOREAN FURNITURE MUSEUM!!!!

LET US MARCH BRAVELY INTO BRIGHT FUTURE WITH DEAR LEADER Whan who is telling Camilla that she is his “everything” but whoops Daddys gotta go on the road for a while so let me amend that to you are my “something.”  One of my things.  Meanwhile CH shows up at Girlhaus to announce that we are GOING TO WORKERS PARADISE OF NORTH KOREA where we will eat wire and construct a yurt from yak dung.  Oh no wait I misheard it’s South Korea.  OK then.  Clare chirps “I don’t even have a kimono!”  That’s OK Clare.  You have time to learn Chinese or Bolivian or whatever they speak there.

Our first group date is an introduction to the exciting world of K-Pop, which, according to Whan is “taking over America!”  I guess.  Apparently the chix are going to do a dance number with “21” (EDIT: it's apparently "2NE1," like what the fuck is that?), a musical or something group that is a living combination of anime and meth.  Kat, who has been “dancing her whole life!” is generally bouncing around like she’s electrified but Rootsy can’t dance so she is SO MAD.  It doesn’t help that they’ve got her dressed up like a defective mannequin from the Juniors section at Sears in 1988.

Anyway, 2NE1 is so popular that they perform at a mall like a 5th-place American Idol finisher!  Even the NBA Dancer/Trey Mom is phoning it in but Kat is gyrating like Kim Jong Whatever has a dog pointed at her.  The whole thing is awful, of course.

Apparently every rooftop pool, restaurant, bar, lounge, and more interesting museum is taken because the Night Portion finds us at the Korean Furniture Museum.  Not a joke.  Can you imagine the kids who get taken to the Korean Furniture Museum?  Poor bastards.  Anyway, everyone sits on some Korean Furniture and says “Chewbacca!” which I guess is Korean for “This sucks!”  Uh-oh, Kat’s dad was a “severe alcoholic” and that’s why she moved to Arizona?  Makes as much sense as any other reason to move to Arizona, I guess.  Oh boy now everyone’s down on Rootsy.  She’s too “negative.”  COME SIT BY ME SWEETIE.  Anyway, that shit moves units because she gets the rose.

One on Whan ™ Date with Seriousleen, who has the emotional response of a coma patient but hopefully we’ll have fun.  They wander through the oblig outdoor market and sample some Korean food, which appears to be largely pig noses and bright red things.  Later, Whan pressures her into doing some singing and she makes SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT you know how all performers are DYING to do their little act but they all have to go “OH NO NO I COULDN’T PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME.”  She sings like 3 notes!  BIG FUCKING DEAL.  Then they make out.  Seriousleen will input this valuable information into her data banks.  At the Outdoor Dinner™ Seriousleen has activated her Humanity Chip and there’s something about whether Whan wants more kids or something that I think is supposed to be dramatic but I didn’t follow and she gets a rose.  BLEEP BLOOP.

GROUP DATE.  We’re going to “explore Seoul” which means going to a Karaoke parlor that’s decorated like Manga Barbie’s Dream House.  Then off to Dr. Fish Zone.

Sadly, this is not where Dr. Fish will perform amateur plastic surgery, but instead where REAL FISH EAT DEAD SKIN OFF THEIR FEET.  So far Korea is grossing me out.  Then it’s back to the street food where Clare makes a big show of refusing to eat octopus like of all the disgusting shit they probably have to eat I bet that’s the mildest.  It’s basically calamari.  I mean, if you want to make a stink about it turn down the otter penis or human eyeballs, but octopus?

Group Outdoor Dinner somewhere.  Wait, did Andi just call him “Duwan Pablo”?  I think that’s a rapper, sweets.  Hey, for some reason Whan has now decided that he can no longer kiss anyone because sometimes-interesting daughter Camilla is watching or something.  I don’t get it.

LAZY EYES UPDATE!!!!

Partially to moderately sleepy.

Oh wait, now he’s kissing Clare? So I guess his no-kissing rule was just for brunettes.  For some reason Andi gets the rose.  Then we’re off to some Korean temple that has a pretty loose BYOB policy and everyone’s mad because Rootsy – who is wearing a purple napkin as a dress – is violating some code by hanging with Whan even though she has a rose.  Whatever.

Rose Cer, finally.  “I love you,” says Whan, to no one in particular.  IN: Mom Renee, ChelsieWOOO, Lazy Eyes, Maybe Black Danielle, NBA Dancer/Neon Wrap Wearer, Really Who the Fuck Is Alison, Sacto Clare, and Kat Who Is Looking Slightly Rough.  Adios to Elise From "Forty Fort" and Lauren S.  Deadweight, both of them.  Good riddance.

The Bachelor: This Just In: Soccer Still Boring

Sorry this is so late.  I was busy!  I had a lot on my plate.  It was misplaced.  This was someone else's job.  It was overtaken by events.  I'll do better next time.

Let us begin at the Girlhaus, where - wait, did Rootsy get her roots adjusted?  It looks like it!  Doglvr wants a one on one date.  Maybe Patches is free!  Oh, with Whan.  Anyway, Chris Harrison shows up for the preflight briefing and it appears the first date tonight will be with the oddly lupine Cassandra!  Hey, ever wonder when Cassandra's last first date was?  Soon we will find out.  OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Now we are off to Long Beach where Whan is playing with little Camilla and LONG BEACH, REALLY? What, was San Pedro busy? Geez, ABC.  Here comes C, who "hasn't had a first date since [she] was 18 years old" and apparently managed to get knocked up on that one so LOOK OUT WHAN.  Whan puts her in some buggy car thing and they drive into the water and both drown.  I WISH.  No, they float.  It's some kind of car-boat thing.  They drive around in the water and C squeals like a piglet.  Yacht swimming making out blah blah blah you've seen all this before.  Then back to the Bachelor house to MAKE MORE BABIES I guess and C can't stop saying how it's her first date in 3 years.  Jesus Christ lady, we get it already.  She's sweet but doesn't seem like the sharpest tack in the corkboard.  Let's move on to Looking at Kid Pix.  THIS JUST IN: "Trey" is Perez Hilton.

Also, watching other people look at baby pictures is more boring than watching a calculus lecture wrapped in paint drying.  She gets the Please Shut Up About Your First Date in 3 Years Rose.

Then we have a Group Soccer Date at, I shit you not, StubHub Stadium or whatever.  I guess they all had to pay 3 times over face to get in!  I'm kidding, StubHub, I love you.  PLEASE DON'T SHUT ME OUT.  Daddy needs Giants tickets.  Anyway, the chix all play soccer and it's about as interesting as any soccer game which is to say it's boring as fuck.  The only good thing is they appear to be playing without goalies which is actually the best innovation in soccer since hooligans.  Post, there's no rooftop pool? Fuck, ABC.  Between this and Long Beach, you are really cheaping out this episode.  No, nighttime portion is still at StubHub Stadium.  OK, Rootsy gets a hug, makeout with Andi, then The Sharleen takes over.  She's thinking about how "organic" it feels.  Whan clearly doesn't know what "organic" means.  Then they have a VERY WEIRD KISS that looks like he's trying to insert an object into her mouth unsuccessfully.

Whatever.  Free Spirit manages to keep her clothes on, somehow, and Rootsy gets the rose.

One on one date with Chelsie.  Whan plays her some Venezuelan music in the car and she White Girl car dances and they hit up the Venezuelan restaurant for some arepas and tequeno and paco de catillo and maserati or something.  You know what's good after a big meal of unfamiliar cuisine?  TANDEM BUNGEE JUMPING!  Especially when it's conducted by a Guy Fieri impersonator in a visor.  There is an ENDLESS sequence where Chel is wavering about whether to do it and JUST FUCKING JUMP ALREADY OK whew it's over.  

Standard Outdoor Dinner at City Hall.  Chel comes from a family of dentists and is the "black sheep" for becoming a teacher instead.  Holy fuck, if that's black sheep status in her family you'd be the Black 13th Incarnation of the Demon Azeroth for changing the channel when America's Funniest Videos is on.  She gets a rose, of course, and then it's the usual Concert by Mediocre Faux Country Act Who Stole the Guitar Riff in His Song From "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day.  Yuck.

Dawn Breaks at Girlhaus.  Whan arrives to make "Venezuelan breakfast," which I thought was cocaine and a chelada but is apparently some kind of pancake thing.  Whan think "Clare look reely good in piyamas" which I guess so.  Hey, wanna get crazy?  Instead of a cocktail party, let's have a POOL PARTY!  Disrupt the Bachelor!  Fuck.  Anyway, The Sharleen doesn't feel a connection because, you know, SHE'S NORMAL.  Oh, now Clare is freaking out.  Maybe she's normal too!  No, no she is not.  Anyway, Whan does his usual gig and talks everyone down.  He spends a lot of time doing this, actually.

Let's get to the Rose Cer and get the fuck out of Dodge.  Hey, Doglvr's lazy eye is especially sleepy today!

PATIENCE, MY SWEET.  SOON WE WILL SLEEP.  

OK, who's in.  Andy, Mom, Doglvr, Seriousleen, Elisa, Kat, Who the Fuck Is Alison, Insecure Clare, Who the Fuck Is Lauren, and Maybe Black Danielle.  We must bid farewell to Free Spirit and Some Blonde Chick Named Christy who I didn't even know was on this show.  "Every person deserves love," Free Spirit says.  Pack another bowl, baby.  We're moving on.