The dog is outside #whyisthedogoutside
Having an apple
BUSINESS!
Obama! #angry
Looks like we're going to get some weather
Now why did I walk in here
Another telemarketer! Why do I even pick up the phone!
I'm not paying any $2.99 for a pound of grapes
Why is my son so liberal #sanfrancisco
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Presenting the Greatest Show in the History of Television, ever
It's on VH1 and it's called "Couples Therapy." It's a reality show. Basically they get several ZZZ-list "celebrities" who are having marital difficulties to move into a house with their maybe famous/maybe not spouses and try to Work Shit Out with the assistance of Dr. Jenn Berman, a foul-mouthed marriage counselor who has a radio show on Sirius and looks like the best friend in a romantic comedy.
There are so many amazing things about this show I barely know where to start. So I'll just dive in.
One of the couples is underage Twitter whore/professional underdresser Courtney Stodden and her husband, That Guy From Lost. To the extent that you've ever had any thoughts about Courtney Stodden, they're all true. She is literally the Worst Thing on the Planet. When Dr. Jenn Berman tries to institute a dress code to keep Courtney Stodden from wearing clothes that would make a San Pablo Ave. hooker embarrassed, Courtney Stodden casts herself as the Rosa Parks of teen sluts and declares that she is unwilling to put on a shirt. This causes Courtney Stodden and That Guy From Lost to be banished from the house, ONLY TO RETURN IN A FUTURE EPISODE. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
Another one of the couples is TOO $HORT AND MONICA. Holy shit, Too $hort, WTF?
Too $hort kind of wanders through the show with a constant "what the hell am I doing here" expression, which makes perfect sense.
Another couple is some guy named Nik who runs a website called The Dirty that I had never heard of and his wife, Lorenzo Lamas' daughter Shayne. They got married in Vegas after knowing each other for an hour and a half! And then had kids! They clearly, CLEARLY loathe each other. I hate them both with the white-hot intensity of molten platinum. If there were any justice in the world they would both be working the night shift at a Huddle House in Mobile, Alabama instead of constantly fighting with each other on TV.
I could go on, but it's just too much. Oh, one more thing. Every week Dr. Jenn Berman brings in a guest to I guess tell the fractured couples about how to be better at marriage and one week it was this guy whose story was that he STALKED A CHICK HE SAW ON A MAGAZINE COVER FOR 20 YEARS and then when he finally broke up with his boring-ass first wife he got in touch with her and she somehow agreed to MARRY THIS CREEPER. What a true tale of love and inspiration! The lesson is: Get fixated on the platonic ideal of a woman you want and then wait out your first bullshit marriage and YOU SHALL HAVE HER. See? Isn't your marriage all fixed up now?
This show is more important than the Fiscal Cliff and the Mars Rover combined. Get on it.
There are so many amazing things about this show I barely know where to start. So I'll just dive in.
One of the couples is underage Twitter whore/professional underdresser Courtney Stodden and her husband, That Guy From Lost. To the extent that you've ever had any thoughts about Courtney Stodden, they're all true. She is literally the Worst Thing on the Planet. When Dr. Jenn Berman tries to institute a dress code to keep Courtney Stodden from wearing clothes that would make a San Pablo Ave. hooker embarrassed, Courtney Stodden casts herself as the Rosa Parks of teen sluts and declares that she is unwilling to put on a shirt. This causes Courtney Stodden and That Guy From Lost to be banished from the house, ONLY TO RETURN IN A FUTURE EPISODE. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
Another one of the couples is TOO $HORT AND MONICA. Holy shit, Too $hort, WTF?
Too $hort kind of wanders through the show with a constant "what the hell am I doing here" expression, which makes perfect sense.
Another couple is some guy named Nik who runs a website called The Dirty that I had never heard of and his wife, Lorenzo Lamas' daughter Shayne. They got married in Vegas after knowing each other for an hour and a half! And then had kids! They clearly, CLEARLY loathe each other. I hate them both with the white-hot intensity of molten platinum. If there were any justice in the world they would both be working the night shift at a Huddle House in Mobile, Alabama instead of constantly fighting with each other on TV.
I could go on, but it's just too much. Oh, one more thing. Every week Dr. Jenn Berman brings in a guest to I guess tell the fractured couples about how to be better at marriage and one week it was this guy whose story was that he STALKED A CHICK HE SAW ON A MAGAZINE COVER FOR 20 YEARS and then when he finally broke up with his boring-ass first wife he got in touch with her and she somehow agreed to MARRY THIS CREEPER. What a true tale of love and inspiration! The lesson is: Get fixated on the platonic ideal of a woman you want and then wait out your first bullshit marriage and YOU SHALL HAVE HER. See? Isn't your marriage all fixed up now?
This show is more important than the Fiscal Cliff and the Mars Rover combined. Get on it.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
This is the last election-related thing for a while, I promise
But I have to just put this out there because it is BLOWING MY MIND.
So current Supervisor Eric Mar won re-election in District 1, where I live. He got 11,495 votes. Second place was David Lee. He got 8,225 votes.
(My personal choice, fellow recycling theft opponent Sherman D'Silva, clocked in with a relatively anemic 1,608 votes. WE'LL GET 'EM NEXT TIME SLUGGER.)
So total spending on the David Lee campaign by David Lee and outside groups supporting him was around $800,000. EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, or about what a modest home in District 1 costs.
That means that David Lee spent about $97 per vote. And lost. WOW. Next time, try handing out crisp hunskies, David. Sure, you'll need to raise $1,149, 600, but that's not THAT much more.
So current Supervisor Eric Mar won re-election in District 1, where I live. He got 11,495 votes. Second place was David Lee. He got 8,225 votes.
(My personal choice, fellow recycling theft opponent Sherman D'Silva, clocked in with a relatively anemic 1,608 votes. WE'LL GET 'EM NEXT TIME SLUGGER.)
So total spending on the David Lee campaign by David Lee and outside groups supporting him was around $800,000. EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, or about what a modest home in District 1 costs.
That means that David Lee spent about $97 per vote. And lost. WOW. Next time, try handing out crisp hunskies, David. Sure, you'll need to raise $1,149, 600, but that's not THAT much more.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Internal Visigoth Memo re: Roman election night
TO: Alaric I, King of the Visigoths, Exalted Leader, &c.
FROM: Gregor, Lord of the Campaign
RE: Post-Mortem on Election Losses
To His Most Royal Majesty Alaric I:
As you are no doubt aware, we rather resoundingly lost the election last night to the Roman Emperor. Although of course the immediate execution of a large number of campaign staff will be necessary and called for, I'd like to take a moment and explore some areas where we might have failed to win the hearts and minds of the Roman electorate.
Women. Whether fair or not, the Romans seemed to have the impression that we would either not advance women's rights or would take them backwards. While of course I agree with your position that women are property and should be beaten mercilessly until they are compliant, it is possible - possible - that the majority of voters held another view. Also, we should explore cutting down on using the terms "upright cattle," "fetus-carriers," and "kitchen whores" when referring to women in future elections.
Economy. Romans have the sense that the economy is improving, and they still blame your predecessor Athanaric for existing economic problems. Although this is demonstrably unfair and untrue, the repeated torture and execution of those perpetuating this blasphemy has failed to curb it. Threatening to eliminate the Free Bread and Chariot Races was a mistake; these programs are very popular, even if they are expensive, and Romans will not stand for their elimination. Also, your proposal to reduce the tax rate on the nobility, while proper and correct, might have been viewed with suspicion by the average Roman. It was probably a bad idea for your cousin to host his annual Let's Bathe Ourselves in Wine While Feasting on the Bodies of the Poor party last week.
Foreign Policy. After years of fruitless and expensive wars against the barbarian hordes, Romans have little interest in more conflict. Your proposal to launch wars against the Vandals, Franks, Goths, Spaniards, Cantabrians, Byzantines, and, well, every other organized society in Europe was of course magnificent and would no doubt have rained glory upon your memory, but failed to connect with the average Roman.
Health Care. A thousand pardons for this observation, Most Glorious One, but after you implemented a successful program of bleeding and leeches for the Visigoths, which the Romans then copied, it became difficult for you to disavow bleeding and leeches as a model healthcare plan. While your suggestion of Letting Sick People Die would of course have been more budget-friendly in the long term, it was not popular with the Romans.
This is not to say that the Visigoths cannot continue to be a viable force in Roman politics. We may need to soften the tone a little, though. Suggesting that the Emperor is the bastard child of dirt-eating peasant hordes turned out to be an unsuccessful strategy. And Rome may not be ready for our pro-rape agenda. Nothing a little message tweaking can't fix. Instead of "Vote Visigoth, or We Will Dismember Your Family and Feed Their Entrails to Our Dogs, If They Will Deign to Eat Such Trash," maybe something like "Vote Visigoth, For a Brighter Tomorrow," or something like that. I'm just brainstorming here.
FROM: Gregor, Lord of the Campaign
RE: Post-Mortem on Election Losses
To His Most Royal Majesty Alaric I:
As you are no doubt aware, we rather resoundingly lost the election last night to the Roman Emperor. Although of course the immediate execution of a large number of campaign staff will be necessary and called for, I'd like to take a moment and explore some areas where we might have failed to win the hearts and minds of the Roman electorate.
Women. Whether fair or not, the Romans seemed to have the impression that we would either not advance women's rights or would take them backwards. While of course I agree with your position that women are property and should be beaten mercilessly until they are compliant, it is possible - possible - that the majority of voters held another view. Also, we should explore cutting down on using the terms "upright cattle," "fetus-carriers," and "kitchen whores" when referring to women in future elections.
Economy. Romans have the sense that the economy is improving, and they still blame your predecessor Athanaric for existing economic problems. Although this is demonstrably unfair and untrue, the repeated torture and execution of those perpetuating this blasphemy has failed to curb it. Threatening to eliminate the Free Bread and Chariot Races was a mistake; these programs are very popular, even if they are expensive, and Romans will not stand for their elimination. Also, your proposal to reduce the tax rate on the nobility, while proper and correct, might have been viewed with suspicion by the average Roman. It was probably a bad idea for your cousin to host his annual Let's Bathe Ourselves in Wine While Feasting on the Bodies of the Poor party last week.
Foreign Policy. After years of fruitless and expensive wars against the barbarian hordes, Romans have little interest in more conflict. Your proposal to launch wars against the Vandals, Franks, Goths, Spaniards, Cantabrians, Byzantines, and, well, every other organized society in Europe was of course magnificent and would no doubt have rained glory upon your memory, but failed to connect with the average Roman.
Health Care. A thousand pardons for this observation, Most Glorious One, but after you implemented a successful program of bleeding and leeches for the Visigoths, which the Romans then copied, it became difficult for you to disavow bleeding and leeches as a model healthcare plan. While your suggestion of Letting Sick People Die would of course have been more budget-friendly in the long term, it was not popular with the Romans.
This is not to say that the Visigoths cannot continue to be a viable force in Roman politics. We may need to soften the tone a little, though. Suggesting that the Emperor is the bastard child of dirt-eating peasant hordes turned out to be an unsuccessful strategy. And Rome may not be ready for our pro-rape agenda. Nothing a little message tweaking can't fix. Instead of "Vote Visigoth, or We Will Dismember Your Family and Feed Their Entrails to Our Dogs, If They Will Deign to Eat Such Trash," maybe something like "Vote Visigoth, For a Brighter Tomorrow," or something like that. I'm just brainstorming here.
Monday, November 5, 2012
TK's 2012 Election Prediction Special
Barack Obama will win re-election. His electoral vote total, I'm gonna say, um, 303 or 310. I don't even know if that's mathematically possible, I'm just feeling numbers here.
Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy will muse about whether this means Obama is Dictator for Life now and also where should we turn our Bibles in.
Chris Matthews will say something stupid.
CA ballot propositions:
Prop 30, the Bail Out the Legislature For Years of Fucking Up By Holding a Gun to Schoolchildren's Heads Act, will pass, by a very small margin.
Prop 31, the Fuck Up the Budget Every Two Years Instead of Every Year Act, will pass, I guess.
Prop 32, the Kill All Unions Act, will fail.
Prop 33, the Something About Auto Insurance Act, will pass.
Prop 34, the No Way Are People Going to Vote to End the Death Penalty Act, will fail.
A note about this one: I am aware that the last round of polling showed this one passing. I don't buy it. The death penalty has always had broad popular support because people like revenge. I just don't see enough people voting for this. Hey, hopefully I'm wrong, but we'll see.
Prop 35, the Something About Human Trafficking Act will pass because people don't like humans or traffic.
Prop 36, the Fix Three Strikes and Stop Putting People Away for Life for Stealing Pizza Act, will definitely pass because (a) it's totally reasonable (b) even District Attorneys are for it and (c) George Gascon's hair is in a commercial against it.
Prop 37, the Everybody Freak Out It's Genetically Modified Oh No Act, I think will pass? Not sure. OK, I have to pull the trigger so yes, it will pass.
Prop 38, the Rich Lady Who Wants to Take Down Jerry Brown With a Competing Tax Measure Act, will not pass.
Prop 39, the I Didn't Even Know There was a Prop 39 Act, will either pass or fail but nobody will know or care.
There are apparently some local SF ballot propositions too? I think? Wake me up if any of them involve recycling poaching. SPEAKING OF THE DEATH PENALTY.
Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy will muse about whether this means Obama is Dictator for Life now and also where should we turn our Bibles in.
Chris Matthews will say something stupid.
CA ballot propositions:
Prop 30, the Bail Out the Legislature For Years of Fucking Up By Holding a Gun to Schoolchildren's Heads Act, will pass, by a very small margin.
Prop 31, the Fuck Up the Budget Every Two Years Instead of Every Year Act, will pass, I guess.
Prop 32, the Kill All Unions Act, will fail.
Prop 33, the Something About Auto Insurance Act, will pass.
Prop 34, the No Way Are People Going to Vote to End the Death Penalty Act, will fail.
A note about this one: I am aware that the last round of polling showed this one passing. I don't buy it. The death penalty has always had broad popular support because people like revenge. I just don't see enough people voting for this. Hey, hopefully I'm wrong, but we'll see.
Prop 35, the Something About Human Trafficking Act will pass because people don't like humans or traffic.
Prop 36, the Fix Three Strikes and Stop Putting People Away for Life for Stealing Pizza Act, will definitely pass because (a) it's totally reasonable (b) even District Attorneys are for it and (c) George Gascon's hair is in a commercial against it.
Prop 37, the Everybody Freak Out It's Genetically Modified Oh No Act, I think will pass? Not sure. OK, I have to pull the trigger so yes, it will pass.
Prop 38, the Rich Lady Who Wants to Take Down Jerry Brown With a Competing Tax Measure Act, will not pass.
Prop 39, the I Didn't Even Know There was a Prop 39 Act, will either pass or fail but nobody will know or care.
There are apparently some local SF ballot propositions too? I think? Wake me up if any of them involve recycling poaching. SPEAKING OF THE DEATH PENALTY.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Which District 1 supervisor candidate's staff can read and understand English? Let's find out!
I live in San Francisco's District 1, a land of Great Opportunity and Promise that contains, besides my house, most of Golden Gate Park, all of Land's End, approximately 4200 Chinese restaurants, San Francisco Brewcraft, and the Balboa Theater.
We're having an election for Supervisor on Tuesday! The incumbent supervisor is Eric Mar, who is famous for making San Francisco a national laughingstock via his successful initiative to ban McDonald's from putting toys in Happy Meals. That was stupid, so I'm not voting for him.
If you live in SF (and maybe other places in the World too, I don't know) you know that around campaign time, you get a METRIC SHITLOAD of campaign flyers shoved under your door and attached to your doorknob or whatever you have. If you're a sane person, these all go straight into the recycling. They're like getting the Yellow Pages one page at a time. Useless.
So in an effort to cut down on this bullshit, I put a sign on my gate that said "PLEASE NO FLYERS." Easy enough, right? End of the Flyer Problem?
No. Not end of the Flyer Problem. Whether out of spite or uncaring, candidates continue to leave me flyers, often attached, as the flyer below, DIRECTLY UNDER THE SIGN THAT SAYS NO FLYERS.
I know, it's hard to see, but the white thing at the top is my sign that says "PLEASE NO FLYERS" and the blue/red thing is a flyer from Supervisor Candidate David Lee.
SO NOW DAVID LEE IS OUT TOO.
Phil Ting left one yesterday. I didn't know he was running for anything. Apparently he's running for Assembly. I wasn't aware we were voting for Assembly this time. Now I will be voting for Michael Breyer. He wants to invest in the future! I'm for that. Also, he's the Candidate Who Would Never Leave a Flyer Under a Please No Flyers Sign. I'm a narrow-issue voter and so far he has satisfied my narrow issue.
For Supervisor, I am voting for Sherman D'Silva. So far, Sherman D'Silva has not left any flyers, so that's good. Also, check out Priority #8! "Require garbage provider to provide lock for all cans (to limit removal of recyclables and prevent garbage from spilling into streets." Despite his failure to close his parentheses, I'm swooning. Sherman D'Silva wants to crack down on recycling poachers! Be still my heart. YOU HAVE FOUR DAYS LEFT NOT TO FUCK THIS UP SHERMAN D'SILVA!
Meanwhile, I'm not the only one with campaign literature problems. Apparently London Breed doesn't know her district boundaries. But I do love that name. London Breed. The London Breed sounds like a punk band from 1979. Oi!
We're having an election for Supervisor on Tuesday! The incumbent supervisor is Eric Mar, who is famous for making San Francisco a national laughingstock via his successful initiative to ban McDonald's from putting toys in Happy Meals. That was stupid, so I'm not voting for him.
If you live in SF (and maybe other places in the World too, I don't know) you know that around campaign time, you get a METRIC SHITLOAD of campaign flyers shoved under your door and attached to your doorknob or whatever you have. If you're a sane person, these all go straight into the recycling. They're like getting the Yellow Pages one page at a time. Useless.
So in an effort to cut down on this bullshit, I put a sign on my gate that said "PLEASE NO FLYERS." Easy enough, right? End of the Flyer Problem?
No. Not end of the Flyer Problem. Whether out of spite or uncaring, candidates continue to leave me flyers, often attached, as the flyer below, DIRECTLY UNDER THE SIGN THAT SAYS NO FLYERS.
SO NOW DAVID LEE IS OUT TOO.
Phil Ting left one yesterday. I didn't know he was running for anything. Apparently he's running for Assembly. I wasn't aware we were voting for Assembly this time. Now I will be voting for Michael Breyer. He wants to invest in the future! I'm for that. Also, he's the Candidate Who Would Never Leave a Flyer Under a Please No Flyers Sign. I'm a narrow-issue voter and so far he has satisfied my narrow issue.
For Supervisor, I am voting for Sherman D'Silva. So far, Sherman D'Silva has not left any flyers, so that's good. Also, check out Priority #8! "Require garbage provider to provide lock for all cans (to limit removal of recyclables and prevent garbage from spilling into streets." Despite his failure to close his parentheses, I'm swooning. Sherman D'Silva wants to crack down on recycling poachers! Be still my heart. YOU HAVE FOUR DAYS LEFT NOT TO FUCK THIS UP SHERMAN D'SILVA!
Meanwhile, I'm not the only one with campaign literature problems. Apparently London Breed doesn't know her district boundaries. But I do love that name. London Breed. The London Breed sounds like a punk band from 1979. Oi!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Throwing tortillas is a thing, apparently, and other observations from the Giants Victory Parade/Civic Center Clusterfuck/Speechifying Boreathon
[NOTE: This will probably be the last post about baseball for a while. Like until next year, probably.]
Every two years, thousands of people gather in San Francisco and especially in Civic Center Plaza to watch a parade, blow off work, drink Jagermeister, smoke a ton of weed, and celebrate a World Series victory by the San Francisco Giants, who are rapidly becoming the New York Yankees of the '10s.
The 2010 parade, which I also covered, was notable for the fact that it was 81 degrees out and it was also the first time the Giants had won the World Series since they moved to San Francisco when The Ed Sullivan Show was still on the air. This year was considerably colder and also seemed a little drunker, for some reason.
We were all worried about this guy, who climbed up on top of a 5 or 6-story building and stood there at the edge. One strong breeze and the cleaning crew would have been wiping this guy off the pavement instead of just confetti.
Anyway, the parade had all the usual stuff with the cars and the Cal Marching Band and whatnot. The big story, I guess, was Sergio Romo and his t-shirt that said "I Just Look Illegal," which got more attention than anything else, pretty much.
When Romo came by where we were perched, fans along the sidewalk started throwing tortillas at him. Romo seemed to get the joke, and ran around grabbing the tortillas up and throwing them back into the crowd. He looked like he was having a total fucking blast.
I didn't really get why someone would think ahead to bring tortillas to a Giants Victory Parade for the purpose of throwing them at Sergio Romo. Or maybe somebody just happened to have a package of tortillas, and thought, "What the fuck, I'll throw these at the guy wearing the provocative shirt about illegal immigration." There were so many possible levels of irony and cultural coding that I needed an Ethnic Studies major to explain them all to me.
Then I got this tweet.
ANYWAY. The party then progressed to Civic Center Plaza, which had become fairly crowded.
There, Mayor Ed Lee and Giants exec Larry Baer proceeded to suck the life out of the crowd with a couple of long boring speeches. Larry did the whole Growing-Up-On-29th-Avenue-in-The-Richmond thing which is great and all but nobody really gives a fuck. People at these things want to cheer for the players, not hear the executives' life stories. No towheaded 10-year-old with a Lincecum jersey and eye black on says "GEE DAD I HOPE WE GET TO HEAR THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER!!!!" No. They want to hear the players yell shit like "THANK YOU SAN FRANCISCO." Which they did.
(Also, I don't want to get morbid or anything, but Gavin Newsom's daughter looks EXACTLY like Jon-Benet Ramsey.)
So there you have it. When they win again next year, I wonder if the same number of people will show up. Yesterday, there were people who got to Civic Center Plaza at fucking 1 a.m. Wednesday morning. I can't imagine.
So congrats, Giants, on a great year and a truly unbelievable playoff run. Honestly? I still can't believe they actually came back from 0-2 against Cincinnati. Everything since that has felt kind of unreal.
Also, make sure and re-sign Angel Pagan. That is all.
Every two years, thousands of people gather in San Francisco and especially in Civic Center Plaza to watch a parade, blow off work, drink Jagermeister, smoke a ton of weed, and celebrate a World Series victory by the San Francisco Giants, who are rapidly becoming the New York Yankees of the '10s.
The 2010 parade, which I also covered, was notable for the fact that it was 81 degrees out and it was also the first time the Giants had won the World Series since they moved to San Francisco when The Ed Sullivan Show was still on the air. This year was considerably colder and also seemed a little drunker, for some reason.
We were all worried about this guy, who climbed up on top of a 5 or 6-story building and stood there at the edge. One strong breeze and the cleaning crew would have been wiping this guy off the pavement instead of just confetti.
When Romo came by where we were perched, fans along the sidewalk started throwing tortillas at him. Romo seemed to get the joke, and ran around grabbing the tortillas up and throwing them back into the crowd. He looked like he was having a total fucking blast.
Then I got this tweet.
@sfist @40goingon28 The tortilla throwing comes from Incredibly Strange Wrestling, San Francisco's punk wrestling spectacular. #SFGiantsHuh. I did not know that. I remember seeing flyers all around town for Incredibly Strange Wrestling, which was a thing in the 90's here in SF and which Bob Calhoun has written a book about, but I didn't know (1) that it involved coordinated tortilla throwing and (2) that this tortilla throwing survived ISW and became a Thing unto itself. I'm still not sure how the mechanics of this work. Do you just carry tortillas around and hope for an opportune moment to throw them? Is it a coordinated thing, or are there Lone Ranger Tortilla Throwers?
— bob calhoun (@bob_calhoun) October 31, 2012
ANYWAY. The party then progressed to Civic Center Plaza, which had become fairly crowded.
(Also, I don't want to get morbid or anything, but Gavin Newsom's daughter looks EXACTLY like Jon-Benet Ramsey.)
So congrats, Giants, on a great year and a truly unbelievable playoff run. Honestly? I still can't believe they actually came back from 0-2 against Cincinnati. Everything since that has felt kind of unreal.
Also, make sure and re-sign Angel Pagan. That is all.
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