You have a beautiful egg

Here, read this Slate story "Did Human Pregnancy Evolve Because of an Infection?". You're not gonna read it, so I'll tell you what it's about:

HOW COME PEOPLE HAVE LIVE BABIES AND DON'T LAY MOTHERFUCKING EGGS.

Holy shit. MIND BLOWN. Can you fucking IMAGINE if people laid eggs? So, you'd like have labor and birth after a few months of being pregnant and then PLOP, "OK!! Here's your egg!" and then you'd leave the hospital with a pamphlet called "Caring for Your Egg" and it would have stuff like "It's best to wrap your egg in an electric blanket at night, especially if you live in a cold climate." No, even better, people would sell EGG COZIES on Etsy and you could get one with your baby's name on it.

For some reason, I'm picturing them about a foot-and-half tall and maybe 15, 20 pounds. Don't ask me about how that gets out, biologically. Gross.

There would totally be anti-abortion groups called, like, Don't Crack That Egg and Americans for Egg Integrity (AEI). And a whole underground of people who would like dispose of your egg if you didn't want it. There would, naturally, be a snuff film black market underground of people who ate human eggs and said they were "delicious, if a little gamey."

Custom shell-painting. Nuf said.

People would bitch about mothers who carried their eggs with them everywhere and they gave them an extra seat at the movie theater because they just couldn't stand to be away from their egg for a second. They'd be called "Penguin Parents" because they never leave their eggs alone. Other parents are happy to sometimes leave their eggs at the Egg Watchery at the mall while they go shop for hatching supplies, but not Penguin Parents.

Southwest, however, makes you buy an extra seat on the plane for your egg.

Don't even get me started on the people who hatch at home. SO UNSAFE.

Monday: Random

- I saw a completely naked guy on a bicycle on the corner of Church and Market yesterday. Is that a thing now? Naked bicycling? There wasn't even a group, just him. Whatever. Everyone is an attention whore in their own way. Walk around with a parrot on your shoulder? Attention whore. Have a face full of metal? Attention whore. BART protester? Attention whore. Naked bicyclist? You guessed it.

- Here's a completely fake rant about Hardly Strictly Bluegrass:

Oh great! Where else can 600,000 white people crawl all over each other and talk through a performance by the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Band singing songs about a life of hardship and deprivation that the crowd pretends to embrace but which is as foreign to them as a moon rock, since "deprivation" to this crowd is a full parking lot at Trader Joe's? Yes, I know you spread out your blanket at 11 am to save you 8 square feet of space but I don't see any Deed from the City and County of SF tranferring title of this muddy patch of GG Park to you and unless you've developed the first working force field, people are going to walk over your blanket and you're going to have to get the fuck over it.

j/k. I didn't even go this year because I don't like crowds and it's always a nightmare getting anywhere afterwards. But I honestly think it's a very nice event and I've always enjoyed it in the past. But: Too Crowded.

[Also, professional musician? Attention whore.]

- I know it's Election Season again when fucking campaign workers start knocking on my door. (PARENTHETICAL: Does this happen to everyone, or am I just especially afflicted?) One day last time around, we had something like 8 different people come to the door in one day. I've gotta put the "No Campaign Workers" sign back on the door. This time it was 11 am on Sunday morning. I'm sorry, but that is fucking bullshit. You do not knock on someone's door before noon on Sunday. (Well, you should never knock on someone's door, but ESPECIALLY not before noon on Sunday.) So, David Chiu, guess who's not voting for you now?

When they knocked on the door, my dog naturally went apeshit like he do and I yelled through the door "WHO IS IT" and I heard someone say "David Chiu for Mayor" and I said "IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME" and now I wish I had said "YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS BEFORE I OPEN THE DOOR AND LET THIS DOG OUT."

Meanwhile, in Vallejo....

(via the Times-Herald)

Woman brandishes gun during Vallejo bar melee

A man got beaten up and a woman brandished a shotgun during a melee in the Blue Rock Inn bar parking lot early Thursday, police said.

A 22-year-old Vallejo resident told officers he was outside the bar, in the 200 block of Springs Road, smoking a cigarette when a suspect punched him in the nose and grabbed his necklace, Sgt. Herman Robinson said.

Two other suspects struck the victim from behind, and the victim's female cousin tried to help him, Robinson said. A witness said the three suspects fled in a silver Hyundai Access and drove south on Oakwood Avenue.

Witnesses said a woman, described as a 50-year-old with long blond hair, brandished a gun at the victim while standing next to a small car, Robinson said. No arrests were made.

Not sure why, but I was fascinated by this story. Here we have a guy just trying to enjoy a smoke outside the Blue Rock Inn when he gets punched in the nose! And somebody tries to steal his necklace! Actually, judging from the looks of the Blue Rock Inn, I can't say I'm 100% surprised by this battery/attempted larceny incident.


I have to say, I don't see the Blue Rock Inn as a destination for New Bar Night any time soon. Despite its 2 cheerful Yelp reviews! Ricardo A. opines thusly:

this was my last bar on my 21st b-day and it was really nice and calm no beer from the tap but overall really comfortable and they also let you smoke in here the bartender was really nice. i had spilled my beer ( lol i as kinda drunk by the time i got here) and she was very kind and cleaned it up i did tip her ok lol they only have one pool table and there is a much older crowd in here but overall good spot to hang out if u wanna smoke.

Wait a minute. If they let you smoke in there, what was 22-year-old Vallejo resident doing in the parking lot? Hmmm, maybe there's more to this story.

ANYWAY. We're getting off-track. This necklace must be made out of pure diamonds or something because it took a concerted effort by three people to get it. And one of them, who we'll call "Wanda" because she seems like a Wanda, was a 50-year-old woman with long blonde hair toting a MOTHERFUCKING SHOTGUN. Damn, Wanda!

Google Image Search result for "50-year-old woman." Is this our suspect? PERHAPS!

I'm picturing Wanda with a Benson & Hedges 120 dangling from her lips, telling her younger crime partners to "kiss her ass" if they disagree with her. And yet Wanda can be sweet as hell. She calls you "darlin'" and totally fed that homeless Mom and her kids for free one night at the diner where she waits tables four nights a week.

The story doesn't say whether Wanda et al. got away with the necklace. Anyway, next time you're in Vallejo, keep your eyes peeled for a 50-year-old woman with long blonde hair driving a Hyundai Access. Your necklace: she wants it.

Be safe out there this weekend, kids.

This Week in San Francisco in Verse

Haight and Fillmore, burning bright!
The whole damn building's done for
Haighters, no condoms for you tonight
Walgreens is no more

Lee and Yee and Avalos
Herrera and some scrubs
We got more mayoral candidates
Than fully licensed pot clubs

Anonymous done given up
BART protests served no use
Now they can go on back
To hassling Tom Cruise

Giants took an early fall
The playoffs are no more
You could give them a tub of rohypnol
And they still couldn't score



Obama came to the peninsula
To get some cash from plutocrats
I don't care who the Repubs nominate
I just wish there was a Democrat

OMG! Heat wave! Everybody freak!
90 degrees and clear!
I know it seems unique as fuck
But it happens every year

Trouble

Apropos of nothing, I was thinking about bar fights the other day.

Maybe I'm just lucky, but I've managed to mostly avoid bar fights (or fights in general) during my many dissolute years of bar-going. Honestly, that shit is stupid and I fail to understand why someone looking at your girl would provoke a violent outrage, but I guess some assholes just want to get into fights and need an excuse.

I can only think of a handful of times when I've even been close to getting in a fight, like:

- A couple of weeks after I made the catastrophically bad decision to move to Santa Cruz, one of the Worst Places on Earth, I was playing pool in this dive called the 1007 Club. I hadn't noticed that more people had come in and someone had written his name on the chalkboard to play next game. I started to put quarters in and the guy totally got in my face and was screaming about how he was next and I was like "Fine, whatever, you're next." Looking back now, I realize that he was probably tweaked out of his fucking gourd on meth, like 90% of everyone between the ages of 19 and 29 in that Godforsaken shithole.

- One weekend afternoon I was hanging out at the Columbus Cafe with my ex-wife and drinking and playing the jukebox and shit and this little angry Scotsman started hitting on her right in front of me. He offered to buy her a drink and I said "It's cool, I've got her drinks" and he FUCKING FLIPPED OUT and told me to come outside to settle this and I was like "No, I think I'll pass" and then the bartender kicked him out. The bartender told us the guy works on a ship and comes in whenever they dock in SF and gets into fights.

(Knowing what I know now, I should have let him buy her the drink, then jumped up and pointed and said "A-HA!!! NOW SHE'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!!!" and run out.)

Other times I've been on the periphery of big fights that have started and spilled out into the street. Whatever, that shit is boring.

UPDATE: Humorously, between the time when I first wrote this and now, when I'm about to post it, I have learned that Famous Teen Mom Bristol Palin almost got herself into a bar fight recently:

Bristol Palin was riding the mechanical bull at a Hollywood bar in front of a throng of paparazzi and reality TV cameras, when a rude drunk yelled, "Your mother's a whore!" Bristol marched up to the man, jutted out her new chin, and got into a heated confrontation:

Man: She [your mother] is evil.
Bristol: You want her dead?
Man: You know what, if there is a hell, and I don't think there is one, she will be there.
Bristol: OK, why is that?
Man: She's evil. She's evil.
Bristol: Is it because you're a homosexual?
Man: Pretty much!
Bristol: And that's why you hate her?
Man: And why do you say I'm a homosexual?
Bristol: Because I can tell you are.

On the way out she gets into a fight with another pair of angry drunks, including one who yells, "White trash Wasilla!" and "You fucking bitch!" as Bristol and friends storm out of the bar.

"Is it because you're a homosexual"? Who the fuck talks like that? Although, I gotta say, it's probably a drag when you're out for your usual night on the town being followed by a camera crew and wearing an ugly sweatshirt that says "Empowered" on the front with a Lightning Bolt Cross and some stranger says "Your mother's evil." I guess that would suck.

(This all happened at Saddle Ranch, right? That place blows.)

A true story of injustice averted. And a pop-punk cover of a Joni Mitchell song.

It's Friday! Thank God. Here's the Parasites' cover of Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now":



How I got here today: Go to bagel store. Order sesame bagel toasted with butter. Lady at counter asks if I want butter "on both sides." (Odd, but whatever.) VOILA. Parasites' cover of "Both Sides Now" pops into my head.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. Remember that whack-ass chick that's renting the garage next to my house? The one who's stealing the parking spaces? Who wanted to use our wireless network? SHE'S UP TO NO GOOD AGAIN.

First, a little backstory. As part of this bitch's quest to monopolize the parking spaces in front of our house, she parks her fucking beat-up hooptie scooter in one of the spaces to occupy it so then she can pull her car into the other half of the space and half in front of her fucking garage. I'm not explaining this right but you get the idea. Basically, her janky scooter is always always always parked in the same space in front of our house. She only moves it for street cleaning. It's basically a traffic cone with a basket.

So yesterday I'm coming home from my workstation and there's a Lexus SUV (annoying, I know, but that's another story) parked in front of the scooter WITH A NOTE ON THE WINDSHIELD. Oh yay. I love a good bitchy note. So I read it and basically it's Bitchy McBitchface accusing the Lexus of knocking over her piece of shit scooter! And she says "I've already reported this to my insurance company"! So I roll my eyes and go inside.

Where I talk to my sister (who is temporarily staying with us after breaking up w/ her bf, but that's a whole other story) who's just as nosy as I am and constantly watches the Outdoor Activity like I do and SHE SAW THE WHOLE THING GO DOWN. And guess what? LEXUS SUV HAS BEEN FALSELY ACCUSED. Sister says that Lexus parked and like an hour later the scooter topples over TOWARDS THE LEXUS and then McBitchface comes out and huffs around and leaves her Poison Pen Letter.

(I should explain that the windows of our living room are DIRECTLY ABOVE these parking spaces and if you're in the living room you basically see and hear everything that happens out there. It's not like she's sitting in the window spying on the neighborhood. Not that she wouldn't do that, but I don't think she was.)

WAIT IT GETS BETTER. As she is recounting this tale of False Accusation to me, LEXUS SUV OWNER WALKS UP AND READS THE NOTE AND STARTS INSPECTING THE SCENE OUTSIDE. She looks exactly like what you imagine when you hear "Lexus SUV owner." ANYWAY, I shove my sister out the door to right this injustice and volunteer to be a witness because anything that will fuck McBitchface is good with me. And the first thing Lexus says is "I DIDN'T HIT YOUR SCOOTER!!!!!!" and my sister is like "Chill, lady, not my scooter," and tells her the whole story and everything. JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED BITCH.

Wow, this a boring story. I just realized that. Sorry.

Exploring the Giants' playoff chances

With 9 games left to play,the Giants are 5 games behind the NL West-leading Diamondbacks and 4 games behind the Braves in the Wild Card, tied with the Cardinals. Although it looks somewhat bleak - especially given how well the D-Backs have been playing, all hope is not lost. It is still possible for the club to qualify for the postseason tournament. Let's look at some possible ways.

1. Giants sweep D-backs in AZ, win 2 vs Colorado, beat LA once; meanwhile, D-backs lose once to Pirates and twice to LA.

Doesn't look extremely likely at this point. The D-backs have been playing pretty well and both the Pirates and Dodgers are crappy. Unlikely.

2. Giants win 5 of last 9 games; Braves get swept by Phillies, lose once to Nationals, once to Marlins.

Possible! Unless the Phillies are just phoning it in at this point and waiting around for the playoffs.

3. D-backs team plane crashes attempting difficult maneuver at air show. Giants become NL West leader and win division easily.

Hard to say without knowing a littler more about the D-backs team charter pilot. A reckless iconoclast with a score to settle, or a go-along-to-get-along corporate drone? Check the glint in his/her eye next time they're boarding.

4. D-backs ownership group replaces players with illegal immigrants to increase profits. Since enforcement of tough Arizona immigration law is currently barred by injunction, no one notices.

Lyle Overbay heard darkly muttering about how they're "stealing our jobs;" dismissed as a right-wing crank; goes on a shooting spree. Meanwhile, Immigrant Diamondbacks put up heroic effort by lose NL West by one game when someone in stands shouts "La Migra!" on last day of season.

5. Larry Ellison purchases Major League Baseball; awards NL West to Giants after renaming them the "Oracle Larry Ellisons;" misplaces Diamondbacks and can't find them.

"They were right here. I swear to God. Honey, have you seen the Arizona Diamondbacks? No, Diamondbacks. Yeah, like the snake. I coulda sworn I set them down in San Diego and now I can't find them anywhere. No, they're not on my head. Yes, I looked in the glove compartment."