Bachelorette party? Heavy metal band in animal costumes? All part of a weekend.

We've got a lot of ground to cover, so let's get right to it.

There used to be a dark, dank, unwelcoming bar on Market Street called the Expansion Bar. The kind of place where you might find a 65-year-old alcoholic with a Miller and a shot of Wild Turkey next to a tweaker who's scanning the room for CIA agents. But it was cheap and unpretentious and so it fit the bill on many an occasion.

Then it closed. And a (mostly) gay bar called Metro opened where it was. Then that closed. Now there's a new place that just opened called Blackbird. The Wife and I checked it out Friday night.
Here's the problem. On their website, they say "The Neighborhood Bar is back," and ask if you are "fed up with fancy-schmancy lounges" and go on to talk about how regular and comfortable and blah blah blah whatever else they are. Well, guess what, Blackbird? You're a fancy-schmancy lounge. Maybe it's the indirect lighting and the modern art on the walls and the low, uncomfortable tables and the bar staff that looks like they should be in Fashionable Hipster Bartender magazine, but I would say that "comfortable neighborhood bar" is the LAST phrase I would use. Maybe if your neighborhood is an episode of "Sex and the City." I'll pass.

Moving on. Saturday early evening at Bloodhound (WARNING - music plays automatically and BTW I fucking hate that) was notable for 2 things: (1) Sitting at the bar, we are approached by an attractive young woman who asks us if we're in the Mile High Club. OH HAI LADEE. As it turns out, none of us were but AYW ("Simone," as it turns out, if that's her real name) is there as part of a bachelorette party and RIGHT I guess that explains the chick in the veil over there doing shots. Anyway, I wish I could say that hijinx ensued but nothing really exciting happened and The Wife reads this blog anyway. (2) Shortly thereafter, a well-dressed preppy-looking guy in a seersucker blazer WITH A POCKET SQUARE weaved his way up to the bar and slurred "What's the capital of Poland?" And I said "Warsaw?" And he smiled and then looked like he was going to fall over or puke. Dude was SHITFACED. He got kicked out a little while after that for getting handsy with an Iranian chick.

And then yesterday. One word. ZEMEZYZ.

What? You've never seen a heavy metal band dressed as mythical animals or maybe Where the Wild Things Are? ZEMEZYZ.

WARNING: Spoilers inside

So I recently happened to learn what the SHOCKING TWIST ENDING of "Orphan" is, and while I'm not going to reveal it here, I will be happy to assure you that it is the most retarded surprise twist in the history of American film. It is so, so stupid that I expect people will be walking out of theaters going "That was fucking retarded" but maybe not because most people who would go see it are retarded too.

ANYWAY this reminds me of a brief anecdote. I was talking to The Wife about "No Way Out," the Kevin Costner/Sean Young-before-she-went-batshit-crazy thriller, which, as you may know, has a shocking twist ending, and I just assumed that she had seen it, so I offhandedly said, "You know, ______ ______ is the _______ _______!" and then chuckled a little expecting her to roll her eyes and say "Yeah, duh, everyone knows that," but instead she got REAL MAD and yelled at me because, as it turns out, heh heh, she had not yet in fact seen No Way Out. And now there's really no point in seeing it once you know that Blank Blank is the Blank Blank.

And the chick in "The Crying Game" is a dude.

Weakerthans @ Great American Music Hall

You ever go to one of those shows where you know every single song? I went to one last night, and it was fucking awesome. Well, actually there was one song I didn't know, but that's not really the point.

The Weakerthans are a band from Winnipeg, Canada, with what I judge to be an intense, cultlike following, in the States, anyway. Last night they packed Great American Music Hall (capacity 600) and put on a phenomenal show.

(Aside: I'm not sure what it is, but I seem to be a fan of a lot of bands that have a small, intense, cultlike following, like The Loud Family and The Wrens. I don't know what that means.)



I think John Samson might be one of the greatest lyricists working today, and definitely one of the best songwriters. The band played a selection of stuff from all the albums, making it kind of like a greatest hits show, which was fine by me. You know you've got a good fanbase when people are singing your lyrics back to you. That must be a fucking rush.

Anyway, if you're not familiar, I urge you to check them out. Start with Reconstruction Site. You won't be disappointed, I promise.

UPDATE: I don't know why "Comments" isn't appearing for this post, but since you guys can't leave comments, I'll leave them for you.

Best post ever! Great job, TK!

Yay, Weakerthans! Yay, TK! A match made in heaven!

If you only read one blog post this year, make it this one! Bravo, TK!

Show her the night of her life! FREE C1al1s and v1aGra!!!

The health care debate explained

The amount of money we spend as a nation on health care is going to double in the next 10 years. 14,000 people lose their health insurance every day. Forget quitting your job if you have something wrong with you; you'll never get insured again. HALF of all bankruptcies are due to medical bills.

There is something, perhaps, wrong with the health care system in this country. And it's so big, and so unwieldy, that obviously something needs to be done at the national level.

What SHOULD happen is that Congress passes some kind of comprehensive health care bill that will allow every person in this country to have access to health care at a reasonable rate that he or she can afford. It better include some kind of preventive care incentive and probably needs some price controls. As part of my job, I sometimes have to look at medical records, and I was just looking at one itemized bill that listed hydrocodone tablets (i.e., Vicodin) at 18 dollars each in this particular hospital. When you can get a prescription filled at Wal-Mart for FOUR BUCKS, there's something seriously fucking wrong with this picture.

What WILL happen is that Congress will pass some sort of watered-down, cobbled-together mess that won't work and will cost way, way, way more money that anyone can imagine and that everyone will hate. There are a couple of reasons for this:

(1) Members of Congress are basically owned by, and beholden to, lobbyists and major donors, and do you think those lobbyists and/or donors are people who have just gone bankrupt due to medical bills? BZZZZZZZT MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS PLEASE. Do you think maybe it's health insurance companies and doctors and people who make $18 vicodins? BING BING BING BING YOU WIN A GIANT STUFFED PANDA.

(2) Plus, you got the right-wing crazies out there like the guy I heard on radio yesterday saying that Obama is like Hitler (no joke) because the health care bill encourages old people to kill themselves. THE HOST OF THE RADIO SHOW AGREED WITH HIM. I've got to scour this bill and find that provision now. These nutbars are fucking loudmouths and people (i.e., Republican politicians) pay attention to them and they influence national policy to some extent as a result.

(3) Then there's the fact that you could easily set up a national health insurance plan and charge people between 1 and 2.5% of their income for it and everyone could be covered but no one wants to talk about what would be considered a new tax and plus the insurance companies are all like "WAHHHH WAHHH IT'LL PUT US OUT OF BUSINESS" and wouldn't that just be the saddest day? Because your health insurer is your BIGGEST BESTEST FRIEND and wants nothing more than to give you all the delicious health care you need.

So we'll get the plan we deserve. It won't work, you won't be covered, and it's going to cost more than 3500 gold-plated F-22 fighters with a DVD player and a bidet.

Tutankhamun at the de Young

It's kind of ironic that Tutankhamun is unquestionably the best-known Egyptian pharoah, because, had it not been for an accident of history, he would spent eternity nestled in obscurity. That footnote, of course, is the fact that the British archaeologist Howard Carter found Tutankhamun's tomb more or less intact in 1922. Virtually all known tombs at the time had been long since emptied by robbers, so the discovery was a monumental one.

A selection of artifacts from Tutankhamun's tomb, as well as other pieces meant to give context to his life and times, are now touring America under the name "Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharoahs." We're lucky enough that one of the three American stops is the de Young Museum here in SF, because the exhibition is fantastic.

After reading this weirdo hit piece in the Chronicle, I was a little worried about the show but went anyway, and I'm glad I did. Kenneth Baker's main gripe seemed to be the commercialization, and yes, there are gift shops selling all manner of King Tut knickknacks, but that doesn't detract from the show itself in any major way I could discern.

On the contrary, I thought the exhibit did a great job of putting Tutankhamun's life in context. As it turns out, he lived in one of the most tumultuous periods in Ancient Egyptian history, immediately after his putative father tried to convert the country to monotheism. Tutankhamun (or, more likely, his advisers) steered Egypt back to the more familiar polytheism. It would be like George Bush declaring the US a monarchy, with him in total control. Oh wait, bad example.

There were a lot of people there, even on a Monday at 10:30 a.m., but the tickets are timed and they only let in a certain number of people at a time. It was crowded, but you're able to get close to each piece.

Some of the pieces are breathtaking, and you walk away with an incredible appreciation for the skill involved in working gold and stone with incredible precision and without the benefit of modern technology. Or maybe not! (Cue spooky music.)

Anyway, I can't recommend it enough. Follow it up with a bowl of niku udon at Hotei and you've got a great morning, especially if it's foggy and about 58 degrees, like it was yesterday.

Let the Oompa Loompa go.

It's a world gone mad. You knew that. Look at this:

Oompa Loompa causes mall chaos

I know what you're saying: "I didn't know Oompa Loompas were real!! Or is that Oompa Loompae?" I know, I got confused too. Here's the scoop:

Wearing the trademark green wig, brown shirt and white overalls, one of Jeff Beacher's Madhouse Oompa Loompas was detained by security guards in Plantation,
Fla., on Friday.

While promoting his upcoming comedy show scheduled for Saturday night at the Seminole Coconut Creek Casino, Donnie Davis was handcuffed and detained for several hours at the mall. He had been laughing and hyping the show in one of the mall's trendy jeans and accessories stores – much to the dismay of mall authorities, it seems.

"They got Donnie and cuffed him," Jeff Beacher, creator of the touring comedy show, tells PEOPLE. "He and several other Oompa Loompas have been promoting the tour, and I guess security finally got fed up with them. It was ridiculous – one of the craziest and funniest things I have ever seen ... Not to mention a little over the top! They are innocent Oompa Loompas!"

Hundreds of Florida shoppers agreed. When the security officer cuffed Davis, they were laughing and screaming: "Let the Oompa Loompa go!"

Ladies and gentlemen, you can fuck with Supreme Court nominees all you want, but I WILL BE GODDAMNED IF I SIT BY AND LET YOU MESS WITH AN OOMPA LOOMPA.

"Let the Oompa Loompa go." Let's all take that to heart.

Why was I reading People online? Because I'm interested in Jon Gosselin's 22-year-old bisexual, party animal girlfriend? True, I do have a keen interest in 22-year-old bisexual girls, but no. In fact, I don't know why. I think I was interested in his Jon's new pad on the Upper West Side. Real estate! Forget sybaritic young lasses. At my age, apartment envy is what gets my blood pumping.

Happy Friday, everyone! Hey, you know what would make American politics more interesting? Rape threats.

It was supposed to be the high point of her speech — to applause from her audience, a leading member of India's ruling Congress Party suggested that a rival leader be raped so she can understand the plight of rape victims.

Surprise, surprise, Rita Bahuguna Joshi! Instead of some Tasty Opponent Rape, you went and got arrested and got your house burned down! Let that be a lesson to you, politicians!

Have a nice weekend. Look out for rampaging Oompa Loompae and rape-threatening Indian politicians!

Is there film footage? It would be great if there was film footage.

I know posting about your search logs (and, specifically, funny searches people did on Google to end up on your blog) has been done to death, but I really have to just say:

To the person who ended up on my blog by searching "testing meth on a hog" - please (1) get some help, and (2) write me and tell me - in detail - exactly what happened.

P.S. Sorry I couldn't help out since, you know, I don't have any info on my blog about testing meth on a hog.

P.P.S. I'm still mystified about how this search yielded my blog because I have very little about meth or hogs and certainly nothing about the combination thereof.