He also bears the number of the beast

Recently listening to right-wing radio, as is my wont, I was informed by a typically frothing-at-the-mouth host that "Barack Obama has cosponsored a bill to REQUIRE THAT ALL U.S. CITIZENS BE FINGERPRINTED!!!" This tidbit was used to illustrate Obama's yearn for governmental control of our daily lives and/or the fact that he is the Antichrist.

Naturally, my curiosity was piqued, so I conducted some investigative journalism to bring you guys - my tens of readers - the truth.

Turns out that Obama did indeed cosponsor a fingerprinting bill, the Secure and Fair Enforcement in Mortgage Licensing (SAFE) act. Noted big-government enthusiast Sen. Mel Martinez of Florida, a Republican, introduced the legislation, which would "establish national professional licensing standards for mortgage brokers and lenders."

As explained on Mel's website:

Following is a summary of the SAFE Mortgage Licensing Act:

• Would require that all residential mortgage loan brokers and lenders obtain a state license, and provide fingerprints, a summary of work experience, and consent for a background check to authorities.

• To obtain licensing an individual must, at minimum:
o Have no felony convictions;
o Have no similar license revoked;
o Demonstrate a record of financial responsibility;
o Fulfill education requirements (20 hours of approved courses, to include at least 3 hours related to federal laws, 4 hours on ethics and consumer protection in mortgage lending, and 2 hours on the sub-prime mortgage marketplace); and
o Pass a written exam (the exam must be at least 100 questions; minimum
score of 75% required to pass).

Wait, what? It doesn't require the fingerprinting of all Americans? Just the kind of routine fingerprinting that's normally required for a background check, and then only for mortgage loan brokers and lenders? Well, that's not a very interesting story at all.

Expect to see a lot more of this bullshit. Especially since, as we know, Obama is a Muslim who was sworn in on the Koran, won't put his hand over his heart during the Pledge of Allegiance, and occasionally kills and eats adorable puppies.

OK, OK, that's not all true. He does put his hand over his heart during the Pledge of Allegiance.

For a very informative guide to the endless series of smears circulating against Obama, check Snopes, as usual.

One final thought - why aren't there a bunch of outrageous rumors circulating about Crazy Eyes McCain? Perhaps Dems don't go out of their way to smear the opposition? Nah, couldn't be that.

Urban etiquette: an occasional series

Today's topic: ATM crimes

Misdemeanor: Taking forever to complete your transaction

Hey, Carl Icahn, what are you doing there, executing a leveraged buyout of General Motors through the ATM? Look, you numbskull, it’s PIN – withdrawal –amount - receipt yes or no. Why you’re standing there contemplating each screen like it’s the menu at Le Cirque is beyond me. You’ve used one of these before, right?

Felony: Endorsing your check(s) after stepping up to the ATM

Look, there’s a line here. We’re all waiting to use the ATM. And instead of endorsing his check or whatever ahead of time, this asshole blocks the ATM, starts the transaction, and then endorses the check while everyone behind him is held up. It wasn’t a surprise that you were going to get to the ATM, jackass. Endorse your shit ahead of time.

Death penalty: Talking on cell phone while using ATM

This crime against nature combines two of the biggest land mines on the urban etiquette battlefield – the cell phone and obliviousness. So I’m waiting to use the ATM and this woman is ahead of me and talking on her cell phone. I can already tell this is going to be trouble. So she gets up to the ATM and it goes like this:

Puts in her card

“Blah blah blah excruciating details about my boring life”

Enters PIN slowly, still talking

“So then blah blah blah I can’t believe you’re listening to this fucking minutiae”

Makes selection from menu at ATM. Unbelievably, TURNS AWAY FROM ATM WHILE TALKING

“And so on and so forth here’s what happened second by second today in my life”

And it goes on pretty much like this. Press button. Talk for 30 seconds. Press button.

Now, at this point, I’m surprised that the psychic energy of my loathing and frustration hasn’t caused her head to burst into flames, but I guess I’m not at that Jedi level yet. ANYWAY, cell phones and ATMs. No. Don’t do it.

Scenes from this weekend

Friday, 6:15 p.m.

Super Hot Irish Girlfriend and I are at Bourbon and Branch having cocktails. In case you're not familiar, B&B is a speakeasy-style cocktail bar in the Tenderloin. You buzz outside and they ask you for the password and everything. We had a reservation at 6:00. We were both prepared, I think, to roll our eyes at the pretentiousness of the whole thing but the problem is the cocktails were really fucking good and the service was great and we ended up having a great time.

I was impressed with my Elderflower No. 10, which contains Plymouth Gin, elderflower syrup, lemon juice, and orange bitters. Meanwhile, SHIG liked the Balckberry Bramble, with Plymouth vodka, lemon, creme de mure (whateverTF that is), poured over crushed ice.



The place is very dark, with tiny individual booths along one wall and a bar along the other. Recommended.

Friday, 8:05 p.m.

Dinner at Marketbar (WARNING: annoying, Flash-laden website) in the Ferry Building. Mine was awful. I got the Kobe beef tri-tip, which came to the table cold and was accompanied by what were billed as pommes frites but were actually small limp pieces of something that could have been potatoes or might have been mushrooms or fuck if I know. On the other hand, SHIG's green vegetable risotto was OK, I guess.

Saturday, 10:32 a.m.

I'm looking for new work shirts at Nordstrom Rack. What the fuck am I doing here at 10:32 a.m. on a Saturday?

Saturday, 2:48 p.m.

We're now at my sister's boyfriend's place. They're big into wine and go to Napa and Sonoma all the time, so they had about 8 of us over to try some wines. I don't really know shit about wine, but I'm trying to learn. Anyway, I liked the Rochioli chardonnay the best, although the Miner pinot noir was really good too.


Saturday, 7:17 p.m.


Uh-oh! SHIG may have been overserved. Time to find a cab home. This is extremely difficult at 7:17 on a Saturday. Eventually I get one and we get everyone home safely.



Sunday, 1:47 p.m.





We're at a table at Zachary's in Santa Cruz. Somehow, against incredible odds, we got up today around 11:00 a.m. and decided, at SHIG's suggestion, to take a day trip to Santa Cruz. So we went to Zachary's when we first got to town. It's a great brunch spot on Pacific Ave. I lived in Santa Cruz for a couple of years a while back, and being back here feels strange. While we're here, we also hit the pier and Seabright Beach, near where I used to live, and end up taking a hot tub at Well Within. I leave there feeling totally scrubbed and clean, like I have new skin.


Damn! What a weekend. I'm exhausted.

We Will Miss U Dennis Richmond!

Dennis Richmond was the anchorman on the KTVU Channel 2 news for some 32 years. He retired recently. I'll miss his gravelly baritone and the way he said "SAHN Francisco." If you've lived in the Bay Area for any amount of time, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

This touching tribute to the D-Man recently appeared on 24th Street near Mission, across from the BART station:

How awesome is that? I want to know who painted the pictures. Here's a better view:

Godspeed, Dennis. I like Frank Somerville a lot, but it'll be weird not having you around.

UPDATE: I didn't realize that this had already been covered, as our friends at Mission Mission point out. I guess in the blogger-heavy Mission, I should have assumed.

And I also forgot that this same house featured a band playing on the same roof pictured above, again covered by the tireless Mission Mission.

The Fail that keeps on giving

So I got some last-minute tickets for the Giants game last night and went and holy Mother of God was it fucking cold, like seriously uncomfortably cold. And windy. And of course, Fail trotted out there and looked like shit and lost again. How long is this wretched experiment going to be allowed to continue? At this point, I feel bad for Fail, because clearly he has no idea how to pitch any more and running him out there every fifth game to get torched has got to be fucking with his head in a major way.

Besides Fail, the other things that annoyed me were:

- the Asian Valley Girl chick behind me screeching on and on to her hapless date about how her friend went to Slide and was apparently hitting on anything with a pulse with the goal of making some guy jealous

- the semi-drunk guy standing in the aisle in front of me talking on his cell phone while I leaned around behind him trying to see the game

- the guy wearing a short-sleeved shirt, shorts, sandals, and a visor. HEY CHAMP, IT'S 40 FUCKING DEGREES OUT HERE AND WE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR UGLY FUCKING TOES ANYWAY

In an unrelated story, I don't get these Hillary supporters who say they'll vote for McCain instead of Obama. Are you fucking insane? Just because you're pissed off that your candidate didn't get the nomination, you're going to support a guy who's going to extend the Iraq War, do everything he can to restrict the right to choose, will appoint reactionary right-wing judges, possibly introduce madatory burqa wear for American women, and is crazier than a shithouse rat? Out of spite? Christ, don't you have some knitting to do? I keed.

Music-related

1. I just bought tickets to Day 2 of the Treasure Island Music Festival on September 21. With service charges, they're like $80 apiece! Jesus Christ! Anyway, here's the lineup for that day:

THE RACONTEURS * TEGAN & SARA * VAMPIRE WEEKEND * SPIRITUALIZED OKKERVIL RIVER * THE KILLS * TOKYO POLICE CLUB * DR.DOG * John Vanderslice * The Dodos * Fleet Foxes

Sorry for all the weird caps and the stars; I cut & pasted. Anyway, I'm a big yes on Vampire Weekend, Spritualized, definitely Okkervil River, and Vanderslice. I sort of like what I've heard of The Dodos, The Kills, and Tokyo Police Club. I'm eh on the Raconteurs and Tegan & Sara. And I don't know anything about Dr. Dog or the Fleet Foxes. Anyone?

Okkervil River put on one of the best rock shows I've ever seen, last year at the Independent. It'll be interesting to see them in the big festival setting. I'm having a hard time picturing Spiritualized outside. They just seem like a dark-room band. I saw them at Bimbo's a few years back and their entire stage show consisted of FLASHING STROBE LIGHTS DIRECTLY AT THE AUDIENCE. If you weren't an epileptic when the show started, you sure were when it was over. My vision still hasn't recovered.

Now, two of my associates attended last year and gave the festival about a C+, but that may have had to do with the lineup (which wasn't nearly as good last year), so I'm not going to get scared off by that. Cool image of last year's festival from Under the Radar mag. Fuck, it's going to be hella crowded, isn't it? Maybe I should have thought this through.

2. I'm still working my way through the mixes I got at the mix exchange and I'll post some of the finds from that later.

3. Everyone in Ireland was gaga over Hot Chip, but honestly, it doesn't do much for me. What am I missing?

One hit, one miss

Remember Nickie's, the dance club/bar in the Lower Haight? I hadn't been there in like 10 years and I remember it always being crowded and dark and not all that great. Well, they remodeled it and it's sort of loungey now and much nicer. I was in there yesterday for a pint and they have a whole new bar food menu that looked good. I tried the sliders and they were delicious. It would be a good place for late afternoon/early evening drinks and food. Good vibe, friendly bartenders.

Oh, and how about this for a coincidence. They had a framed Munster rugby jersey on the wall and, as you know, I was just in Limerick for the Munster European Cup win. WEIRD.

Today, Super Hot Irish Girlfriend and I decided to go to the Park Chalet for brunch. I also hadn't been there in a while (as a matter of fact, we went there for brunch on our second date) and now, it's buffet-style, which is fine, but I have two problems: (1) it's 30 freaking dollars a head (but 35 with bottomless champagne, which would be where you'd make your money back but I wasn't drinking), and (2) they automatically add an 18% gratuity to the check, which I can understand since the service blew and they wouldn't be making anywhere near 18% if they didn't do that. But still, 18% for basically just bringing you drinks is ridiculous.

The food was pretty good, though. Omelet station, prime rib, sushi, lots of sides, creme brulee french toast, etc. I would do it again if I were with a group and wanted a leisurely brunch and wasn't driving. You get the table for 2 hours, and you can probably knock back enough cheap champagne in 2 hours to make it like $10 or $15 instead of $30.

One other tip: don't go to Trader Joe's on Sunday. It was a scene of human misery and despair.