Thursday, November 13, 2014

Best airport food is at DFW? Come the fuck on.

A couple of days ago Internet dinosaur Yahoo! (or is it just Yahoo now, sans excitement) went and published a list with the unwieldy title "Every Important U.S. Airport, Ranked by Its Food and Drink," when they could have just said "Best Airport Food" or gone full Upworthy with "Every Airport Serves Food. Which One Has The Best Will Shock You."

[DIGRESSION ONE: It was actually 3 days ago, so I guess it wasn't a "couple" of days ago, but really, can't a "couple" be up to 4?  Like if you said "I'm meeting a couple of friends at Hometown Buffet" would that ALWAYS mean EXACTLY 2 friends, or could it mean a loose assemblage of up to 3 or 4?  Maybe just 3.]

[DIGRESSION TWO: No, seriously, I really want to know why Upworthy, and Upworthy alone, has a stylebook that calls for Capitalizing The First Word Of Every Title Including The Articles Like A And An And The.]

Like everything else they do, Yahoo fucked it up.  Let's cut right to the chase: they said the airport with the best food in America was human stockyard Dallas-Fort Worth.

If you have ever flown on American Airlines, then you know the sinkhole of human misery and pathos that is DFW.  Long lines of dead-eyed humans dressed for a slumber party in a Third World dumpster shuffle aimlessly on and off the TRA'AIN from one endless terminal to the other.  Luckily, there is a plethora of tasty and nutritious food to satisfy these weary travelers!

Not really.  Here's what you get in Terminal C:

I know what you're saying.  HOW COULD IT BE BAD IF THERE'S A WENDY'S.  Of course you're right.  Wendy's is magical.  But does a Wendy's and an Au Bon Pain and a Chili's Too make for the Best Airport Food? No.

(Also, WTF, Taco Bell Express?  Taco Bell is pretty fucking fast already.  I can't imagine how you make it express.  I guess you could have a Food Product Gun that shoots a pre-made slurry of Meat Substitute and spray cheese into either a hard or soft edible wrapper, but that's about it.)

Don't come at me with your Grove Natural Snacks.  That's yogurt covered raisins in a plastic pouch.  The rest is all garbage.  I've eaten at the Texas Stadium Skybox Bar & Grill and it tasted like someone put McDonalds into a food dehydrator and then reconstituted it in gasoline.

SFO came in second.  Just for comparison's sake, here are your options in SFO Terminal 2:

Andale Mexican Restaurant
Burger Joint
Cat Cora
Lark Creek Grill
Napa Farms Market
The Plant Cafe
Vino Volo

But yeah, I guess Manchu Wok would beat the shit out of grilled steelhead salmon with mashed potatoes, broccoli, and sundried tomato-bacon vinaigrette. 


GG said...

The whole list is bullshit. I refuse to land at any airport that doesn't have an Arby's.

TK said...

GG -

You just fly in a big triangle from Akron to Minneapolis to BWI.

Arby's has really gone to shit. I remember it being really good when I was a kid. Maybe that's just the Kid Effect.

Rachel said...

Oh, TK. You never fail to make me laugh like a freak while at work.


Stoney said...

I miss that Arby's on Sloat. It was nice to grab a little junk food after Sunday dog walks at Fort Funston.

Andrea said...

Shouldn't they have done the list by category?
Best Cheeseburger and beer at 10pm EST when you've been up since 4am PST and your flight from SFO landed in JFK instead of EWR and your newly booked connection to ROC is delayed 90 minutes but it's all good because you're hourly and traveling on the company dime -- The burger place at the Jet Blue terminal at JFK. Great cheeseburger and pretty good selection of nice sized beers. Service is iffy, but the burger and beer make up for it.

Best Breakfast Burrito - SFO, Terminal 3, by Gate 63. Pretty hefty, pretty yummy breakfast burrito and a shit-ton of outlets and charging stations.

subframe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
subframe said...

Taco Bells in LA used to have Food Product Guns. They were basically grease guns connected to a tube that descended from the ceiling. I guess they had tanks of whatever it is that's in Taco Bell, up on the roof. They would squirt the 'ingredients' into the 'tortilla' and be done. I can't imagine why that never caught on.

TK said...

Rachel - Glad I could help out!

Stoney - Same.

Andrea - Next time I've been up since 4 am and my flight landed at JFK instead of EWR and my connection to ROC (whatever ROC is) is delayed I will definitely try the burgers at the Jet Blue terminal. Thanks for the tip!

subframe - Wait, I was just joking. Taco Bell ACTUALLY HAD A FOOD CANNON?

I have to get better at satire.

Anonymous said...

Re couple, I totally use it for 2 or 3. Why have a quantity noun for a specific number? Boring.

Anonymous said...

Also, a fun game: pick pairs of airports, and choose which you'd rather not fly through. Please categorize by both food and weather.

Dallas vs Houston
Chicago vs Dulles
Atlanta vs JFK

I mean seriously, airports that aren't on the West Coast kind of suck.

TK said...

From Anonymous:

"This list is such fucking bullshit. I've had pretty great veggie pho in the international terminal and on my last flight out I got fucking UNAGI DON and brought it on the plane. But, sure, if you only eat shitty over processed "American" mall court food, DFW is top notch.

"Between this and all the fluff pieces in Hemispheres claiming Houston and Oklahoma are the hottest new places in the country to live, I'm starting to think this is all a bunch of propaganda by the airlines to get a deal on oil on something."

Thanks, Anonymous!