Wednesday, April 17, 2013

CNN has some updates! Let's listen in.

WOLF BLITZER: I understand we have an important update.  There has been an arrest in the Boston bombing case.  Deborah, is that the case?

DEBORAH FEYERICK: That's correct, Wolf.  According to our sources, there has been an arrest and there is a suspect in custody.  We don't have any further information about the suspect at this time.

WOLF BLITZER:  Deborah, do we know of the suspect is of Middle Eastern descent?  Was the suspect wearing a headdress of any kind or any other native garb?

DEBORAH FEYERICK: No, Wolf, we don't have any information yet about whether the suspect was wearing a ghotra, keiffiyeh, or other type of Arabic headwear.

WOLF BLITZER: Deborah, did the suspect speak with a noticeable accent or was he wearing a soccer jersey of some kind?  Was the suspect perhaps carrying a plate of kebabs and mujaddara or other distinctive food?

DEBORAH FEYERICK: No, Wolf, we have very little information along those lines.  We don't know, for example, whether he was carrying a tray of delicious falafel and babaganoush or whether he might have had a prayer rug or a Hezbollah employee manual.

WOLF BLITZER: What do we know about the suspect's motivatons?

DEBORAH FEYERICK: It's somewhat unclear at this time, Wolf, but I think we can safely assume that the suspect has been guided by a deeply-held, disturbing belief matrix that has little basis in reality. He probably suffers from serious, organic mental illness, and may worship an animal god, such as Baal, or may be an anachronist.

WOLF BLITZER: What's that, Deborah?  An anachronist?  Can you tell us what that is?

DEBORAH FEYERICK: Oh, I'm sorry, Wolf, I misspoke.  I meant atheist.  The suspect is most likely an atheist.  Or motivated by deeply held religious beliefs.  One of the two.  They are both very likely.

WOLF BLITZER: What happens next, Deborah?  Can we expect that the FBI will now question the suspect?  Have you seen anyone bring waterboarding equipment into the FBI offices there in Boston?

DEBORAH FEYERICK:  Well, Wolf, based on standard procedures, the suspect will most likely be offered coffee or some other beverage -

WOLF BLITZER: What about Pepsi or Coca-Cola?  Do they have sodas available?

DEBORAH FEYERICK: I don't have that information available right now, Wolf.  We would expect that the FBI would read the suspect his Miranda rights and then the suspect might choose to not speak to authorities or insist on his right to a lawyer.

WOLF BLITZER: Let's hope not, Deborah. OK, let's turn to our reporters at the scene for some more ill-informed speculation.  Oh, I am now hearing there is no suspect in custody.  There has been no arrest.  This is CNN.


GG said...

Only a terrorist would choose Pepsi over Coke.

LB said...

Anderson Cooper is actually outside my office. I can only imagine what he has to say. I mean, I like the guy. But the amount of times I've told CNN to shut up in the last three days...

Civic Center said...

Yes, it's too soon, but thank you for this, it's genuinely spot-on and funny.

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