Holiday travelers, shoppers brace for busy week

[ED. NOTE: Are you a beleaguered and probably hungover metro reporter who has been assigned the busy shopping/traveling story this week?  Stay in bed, turn on the TV, and file the following story.  Simply select the best options, where provided, for your local area.]

As Thanksgiving approaches, (Tri-State/Quin-city/area) travelers have little to be thankful for. From long security lines at local airports to rising gas prices, the road to Grandma's house may be more challenging than ever this year.

"We're driving this year," says local resident (Stephen Janeki/Jesus Moreno/Tufui Ai'i).  The way that airline fares are right now, we couldn't afford to fly."  His family may find that local roads are (clogged with fellow travelers/remarkably empty thanks to the hantavirus/filled with idiots).

At (Clarence C. "Bud" Shapiro/Eisenhower/Marco Rubio) International Airport, long security lines greeted frantic flyers, many of whom bore Thanksgiving treats that prompted extra scrutiny.  TSA officials remind travelers that (baked goods/liquor/cash) will likely be confiscated, so please do not argue with any of the nation's valiant, brave TSA officials.

Meanwhile, employees at the (Shady Tree/Value Village/Hiddenbrooke) Mall braced for an onslaught of Black Friday shoppers seeking deep discounts.  "It's gonna be crazy," said (J.C. Penny/Hot Topic/Animal Attic) employee (Stacee Robledo/Marcia Spoon-Withers/"Dave").  "We're opening at 10 pm on Thanksgiving night, to accommodate the crowds of (anxious shoppers/drunk people/soulless dead-eyed automatons)."  At the (Computer Cabana/Toy Shoppe/Wal-Mart), employees expected that (cheaply made Korean laptops/Touch Me Elmo/multiple baby baby formula) would be a big seller.

But many area residents paused during this busy time to remember those less fortunate.  At the (Salvation Army shelter/soup kitchen/downtown library), some families volunteered their time to help the homeless and hungry.  "It warms my heart, man," said (Jed Johnson/"Porkchop"/Andy Dick), who said he ran into trouble when (his house was foreclosed/he tried Four Loko/he had a show on the CW).  "These people giving their time to help out someone like me."

(Giving back/helping others/a 50" plasma flatscreen), it seems, is the best present of all.