Friday, December 3, 2010

Someday soon you will encounter a toddler named Hortense

Take a look at this list of the most popular baby names of 2010. Man, people done give up on Robert and Richard and John and so forth. Now everybody's Ethan and Logan and Spayden and Luther or whatever.

Here's the boys:

Top 10 Boys’ Names of 2010

1. Aiden
2. Jacob
3. Jackson
4. Ethan
5. Jayden
6. Noah
7. Logan
8. Caden
9. Lucas
10. Liam

First of all, when I think "Liam," I naturally think Liam Gallagher, so it's amusing to me that there's a whole crop of alcoholic, hard-partying, abrasive, self-important babies out there writing the same song over and over again.

Why is everyone so crazy about the "ade" sound in names? Aiden, Jayden, Caden, that kind of thing. And seriously, "Jayden"? You have got to be kidding me. That sounds ridiculous. Maybe it's cute for a toddler, but can you imagine sitting down with a thoracic surgeon who says "Hi, I'm Dr. Jayden Smith."

(Oh, check this out. On the full Top 100 list we've also got "Brayden" and "Hayden." Brayden? Really?)

(I do like #77-80: Sebastian, Xavier, Ian and Miles. They co-own a high-end salon in Miami Beach, obvs.)

"Jackson" is one of those names parents give their kid hoping he'll be tough. You don't mess with Jackson. Jackson steals his Dad's Marlboro 100s and knows how to hot-wire cars.

Ethan's not bad, I guess. A little bookish. Noah, what? Noah is the fat kid who sits in the back and never gets to go on the field trips because he forgot to take the permission slip home. He's super-into "Magic: The Gathering."

How are the chicks doing?

Top 10 Girls’ Names of 2010

1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Olivia
4. Emma
5. Chloe
6. Ava
7. Lily
8. Madison
9. Addison
10. Abigail

Look out, we've got a garden party from 1922. Seriously, Sophia is #1? Old lady names sure got big, huh? I bet you there's also a ton of little girls named Mabel and Ethel and Rose wandering around. In 3 years, preschool classes are going to sound like an episode of "The Golden Girls" or like the staff of a diner in 1956.

(#70 is "Cadence." Again with the "ade" thing. Plus, you know "cadence" is already a noun with a specific meaning, right? Were you shooting for "Candace" and missed?)

It's all good, though. Variety, spice of life, etc. When I was a kid all the girls were either Jennifer or Amy or something that ends in -acy (or, God forbid, -aci), so at least Ava and Olivia are classing up the joint a little.


Anonymous said...

David and I have talked about this a lot and we finally settled on the name.

If we have a girl, Constance Prudence Chastity Sexknot Mansfield Tracy.

And maybe Eddie if it's a boy.

Tamagosan said...

Can't help thinking that Aiden is inspired by Sex and the City. Not okay with me.

TK said...

Yeah, I think it's pretty clear that Aiden comes from SATC.

Anonymous said...

I was pretty much Dr. No when it came to my wife's suggestions before our daughter was born. We ended up with a short list, but the "cute name for a kid vs Dr..." test (a very good test btw) eliminated a lot of those.

At the hospital, nurses come by every 25 minutes to ask if you've chosen a name yet. They mean well, as doing the name paperwork once you leave the hospital is a royal pain in the ass. But jesus, there's some pressure.

Funny thing is once you actually the small human you've created, you really figure out which names work and which don't. One of those moments of clarity, I guess. Except that it wiped out the rest of the names on our list.

Anyway, to appease the nurse patrol we thought a lot about it and eventually picked Ava BUT HAD NO IDEA it was top 10. Didn't know any, weren't related to any, hadn't heard of any, aren't Ava Gardner fans. It won't quite be the Jen of my generation, but still.

Name zeitgeist is a really weird thing, especially when it crosses the English-speaking world.

Anonymous said...

TK, you know I'm a fan and all, but no discussion of baby names will ever, EVER compare to this post from STFU, Parents:

In which, in the comments, we learn that the babies born of the mother in the photo are twins named "Vadgesty Foxi Maiden" and V"agena Tamphen Pohtaytar." (See this comment:

Nobody does parenting commentary like STFU, Parents does parenting commentary.

LR said...

My OB nurse told me about a mother who wanted to name her daughter that pretty name, Gonnorhea. ("How do you spell that?")
My son has a boy Kamlyn in class.

Moe said...

Thanks for the name update. Cool thing to try is typing your given name into the Wolfram Alpha (nice name!) and seeing the statistical results - rankings, use over time, etc. Here's my son's name Graham:

Also in the book Freakonomics (a good read, seriously) they explain how names move through the culture.

Anonymous said...


Kamlyn???? And Gonnorhea? Oh, good God.

When I taught at Berkeley High, there was a girl who named her baby "Bay Area," but she had some weird way of spelling it and making it one word.

I also have a friend who went to high school with a girl who named her baby, "Shaghetto."

DrFeelgood said...

Fuckit. Go with Carl or Wanda.