Annoying things Pope does post-retirement

Comes into office every Friday and goes out to lunch with a bunch of Cardinals that New Pope is working on an ASAP project with.  "You don't mind, do you? I just wanna catch up."  Cardinals come back 2 1/2 hours later, smell like wine.

Walks into New Pope's office.  "Hmmmm, I think it worked better with the printer over here.  But it's your office now, you set it up how you like."

Still gives out business cards that say "Pope" even though he's not really Pope any more.

Uses Papal Helicopter to go to Sardinia on weekend.  "Oh, shit, I'm sorry.  I totally thought you were out of town."

Confidentially tells friends he still has direct line to God. 

Accepts $150 and Chevy's gift card to do mall opening in Paramus, NJ.  "Was I not supposed to do that? I thought it would be cool with you.  The sign said 'Emeritus Pope Welcomes You to Hidden Hills Town Centre,' not 'Pope Welcomes You to Hidden Hills Town Centre'."

Wonders aloud if setting up a little church on the side, "Not even a big thing, just one branch" would violate non-compete clause.

The Bachelor: I'm getting the wiggles too. Not in a good way.

You want to know what dedication is?  After a cross-country flight, one leg of which was spent next to an empty-plastic-water-bottle-crinkler (YOU, SIR, NEED TO BE PUT IN A HOME), I kissed my loving and pregnant wife and then parked myself in front of our TV with a vodka and a sense of resignation so I could bring you, my Loyal Readers, your Bachelor recap.  And you never write or call.  NEVER.  That's fine.

What are we doing here, Thailand?  Thailand.  Thailand looks beautiful.  Let's start out with Sean back in his trusty aqua tank and Wayfarers and have some time-killing recaps of each of the Final Three, complete with a highlight reel and mindless platitudes about each unlucky contestant.  (Example: AshLee has "one of the biggest hearts I've ever come across."  She should get that looked at, probably.)  First date is with Drunk Lindsay.  They hop into some sort of motorized hut (DL: "Amazing") and they're off to the Exotic Sea Cow Market to see some HOLY FUCK WHY ARE THOSE BABY CHICKS DYED NEON COLORS and eat some bugs.  My first impression of Thailand is that it would be a VERY BAD PLACE to take acid.  Then it's time to head on over to Monkey Beach and feed some monkeys and frolic in the surf or whatever.  Outdoor Dinner in front of "traditional Thai floats" and Linds is all "I felt like I was in Heaven" and maybe Heaven really is Disney World on Peyote, just like I'd hoped!

Here comes the invite to the Fantasy Suite.  You know Linds is down.  Fuck, finally some goddam booze, that's what she's thinking.  They bust out some champagne and L giggles a lot and says "I love you" in a creepy baby voice and this somehow unlocks an achievement and she can now go on to the next level.  FUCKING WEIRD.

NEXT!  AdopTee.  Girl looks pretty good in her fishnet-over-tank-top ensemble.  S needs to challenge her, he says, so we're going swimming in a cave?  That's the challenge?  How about playing Hide the Parents or Who's Got My DNA?  That would be a challenge.  Anyway, after a talk about her abandonment issues AGAIN, they're off to swim in a cave.  She's "absolutely terrified" even though they have fucking FLOATIES and flashlights and a goddam CAMERA CREW.  Eeek!  A sudden noise is freaking her out!  It's probably the sound guy's pager.  Jesus Christ, girl, I've had scarier experiences at the Foods Co on Folsom.  Somehow they live through this 2-minute ordeal and make it to a beach on the other side of the cave.  This experience has been "life changing."  Wait until you have to change a tire or make a dental appointment!  You will advance to the Next Plane of Existence.

Somehow they escape from Life Change Atoll and make it to Outdoor Dinner and AshLee is gettin' all sassy what with her Gypset necklace and her engagement ring talk.  HOLD UP GIRL.  Fantasy Suite first.  She's pretty clear that she's not going to be throwing down in any Fantasy Suite.  That's cool, though, Sean just wants to stay up all night and TALK.  I guess the FS comes with an 8-ball in Thailand. 

Finally, it's Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine.  Thailand can be rough on a girl's hair, as we see.  Following another boat trip (Side Note:  Everyone in the world, you can now stop standing on the prow and yelling I'M THE WHATEVER OF THE WORLD.  I give you permission to stop doing this.  Titanic came out in 1997.  It's over.), Cath says she's down for moving to Dallas, as "I'm pretty expired in terms of Seattle."  I love her pidgin dialect!  Semi-outdoor deck dinner.  Sean apparently thinks he's interviewing her for that position in Sales because he wants us to know she has "exceeded his expectations" and asks her where she sees herself in five years.  Not flattened by a tree, I promise you that!  That's a good goal.  Then she launches into a whole thing about how she's not gonna slut up the Fantasy Suite but you know she'd be on that thing like a Monkey Beach monkey on a handful of dates.  "Being intimate tonight is really important," she says.  HA!  I KNEW it.  Tough shit for you, though, because I don't think homeboy is down. 

Time for a sit down with Chris Harrison.  S knows who's getting das boot!  She's "sweet and full of love."  Maybe it's my Dad's dog!  Oh wait, we have private video messages.  Linds only slurs a little.  Cath calls him a "mega-hunk," and thinking about him gives her "the wiggles."  The fuck.  AdopTee weeps throughout the whole thing and I don't care, that chick is a basket case who needs Immediate Medical Attention.

Let's do this thing.  Yay, Drunk Lindsay makes the Final Two!  OK, long suspenseful pause and....it's Cath!  Somebody take away AdopTee's sharp instruments.  Good job, Sean!  You just abandoned her again.  Anyway, she walks off the set and she is one Pissed Off Hot Mess.  Into the Crying SUV and she is basically plotting his death.

NEXT WEEK: That fucking Women Tell All special.  That is always a 100% snooze.  I may skip that this year.  I bet Tierra doesn't even show.  Speaking of, I heard she got engaged!  Didn't take that bitch long to find a healthy host to attach herself to.

NEWCOMERS THREATEN TOWN

NEWCOMERS THREATEN TOWN!

WILL DESTROY SAN FRANCISCO WITH THEIR "TELEGRAPHS" AND "INDOOR PLUMBING!"

Friends, our Way of Life in pleasant San Francisco is under siege from a wave of NE'ER-DO-WELLS, WHIPPERSNAPPERS and DANDIES who have never laid eyes on a gold pan or sluiced a river or skinned a beaver JUST FOR FUN.  I am sad to report they are INVADING OUR TOWN in waves with their newfangled TELEGRAPHY MACHINES and WRIST-WATCHES.

It used to be a man could buy a perfectly good mud-brick cabin with PANO VUs on the side of Russky Hill for ten dollars.  NO MORE.  Respectable cobblers, drapers, and whores are being driven from their homes by these VARMINTS who will pay TWELVE OR THIRTEEN DOLLARS for a shanty.

Why, I've lived in this here town for over SIX YEARS ever since I sailed around the Horn and I'm sad to report I've seen it change from a place of DANGER and OPEN FLAME and TURPENTINE-LACED CREEK WHISKY to a FANCYMAN'S BALL what with their NON-ROTTEN MEAT and their CLEAR DRINKING WATER.  We risk losing the character that made us great!

Gentrification claims another neighborhood!!

My neighbor, SALINAS SAM, is a perfect example of this type of tomfoolery.  He's lived in my neighborhood of BLOOD CAKE HEIGHTS ever since he killed three Spainards for the land.  And now some MISSOURI STEAMBOATER who's never even DUG HIS OWN WELL or TORTURED A CAT TO DEATH plans to buy the land right out from under him!  An OUTRAGE.  Now Salinas Sam is going to have to move to THE MARINA.  He like to kill himself!

Friends, we must have SENSIBLE CONTROLS on growth and also KEEP OUT anyone who might change our way of life.  KEEPING SAN FRANCISCO EXACTLY THE SAME DEPENDS ON IT.  I propose HANGING ANY NEWCOMERS AT DAWN and also keeping the Chinese in Chinatown, that goes without saying.

The Bachelor: Chill out bro

We have now come to that portion of the show wherein the contestants are no longer satisfied with debasing themselves on national TV and must drag their otherwise innocent families into it.  We will begin in Houston where we find AdopTee and her old lady dog frolicking in a featureless suburb.  Sean shows up and they sit in a field and bore us all to fucking tears about her family and his family and everyone's a reverend and I bet they end up together because they're both total born agains and yawn.  OK, let's go meet these losers.  AdopTee's fake parents are a zaftig duo who enjoy iced tea in the backyard and this is a No Booze family.  Sad.  They seem vaguely troubled by AshLee's tales of romance but c'mon, you two, she got MARRIED at 17, so I bet she's had The Sex before.  Mom gets Big Dumb Sean alone and wants to spill it all about AshLee's abandonment issues and Mom if you are trying to sweeten the deal you are not doing a good job.  Back at the outdoor table, Dad tells the AshLee origin myth and it's sort of boring even by adoption story standards. 

Let's move on to Seattle, where Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine lives in her man-free House of Women.  But first we are legally required to show scenes of guys throwing fish in the Public Market.  Throwing Fish is Seattle's Lombard Street.  In fact, I saw a guy on TV who worked there and he said it was all fake and they have a stunt fish they throw around because you actually don't want to eat fish that's been thrown around like a football.  Fake fake fake.  Anyway, C finds this whole tableau transcendentally joyous, and she loves: (1) "the way he smells" (fishlike, at this point, we assume); (2) his "big beefy arms", and (3) "the way he accepts me for who I am in every way."  Gross.  Sounds like she needs to be with a powerlifting commercial fisherman with a short memory. 

On to Mom's house, where we find Mom, Grandma, and 2 fairly hot sisters.  They're a Booze Family, yay.  I was wondering why no men and then I remembered Dad got shipped back to China after his suicide attempt or whatever.  Anyway, Hot Sisters aren't so into Sean.  C says if he proposes, "I'd say yeah. I want to try this out!" like it's Zumba or the Atkins diet and not the Sacred Covenant of Marriage.  So then Hot Sisters go to Sean and throw C under the bus!  Guess what, Huge White Man?  She has wild mood swings!  She may be bipolar!  She is not ready to settle down!  Thanks, sisters!

Next up: Drunk Lindsay at Fort Leonard Wood, MO, which is the least intimidating Fort name ever.  I guess all the good fort names like Fort Vengeance and Fort Pyre of Enemy Skulls were taken and they were like "Well, Leonard's a good guy, let's just name it after him."  They wander around downtown FLW and stop by the Extremely Confrontational Curio Shoppe.

Sean says "This is more closely related to real life than anything else" and if you can figure out what the fuck that means, call me.  Since Lindsay is driving the train, they head straight for the booze and get some beers.  Then, prior to meeting the fam, we have to detour for some fake Army training stuff and for the second time tonight, S has to do pushups with a girl on his back and why is this now a required feature of hometown visits.  Anyway, on to meet the General and he looks military but like the Nice Kind of Military and not the Crazy Kind of Military.  Booze Family, of course.  The General isn't sure about giving Sean his blessing to marry his daughter but gives some kind of paratrooper speech and then it's cool.  I didn't really understand what happened there.  He gifts Sean with some dog tags and we are outta here.

Back to LA to meet up with Des and the Poors.  They start out with some hiking or something?  Natch, it's the first place people don't stare at the cameras.  Things can't be too bad!  Des's parents have a house!  Oh, no, wait, it's her house.  It looks nice and has a pool?  I guess not everyone in the family lives in a lean-to by the drainage canal! It's also filled with her "art" that looks like Cost Plus threw up on Pier One.

Who's this at the door?  Oh, it's an actor hired by the producers to pretend to be her ex so they can stage a fake fight and everyone is acting a lot and ho ho ho that was so funny.  I actually wish Sean had fucking hit these dweeb in the teeth but he doesn't.  Anyway, here comes the real fam and they might also be actors because no one looks remotely like Des.  Mom has a real ex-hippie vibe and Dad is basically a lump but Bro is covered in prison tats and has that kind of Meth/Mechanic thing going on.  He does not like this whole thing or maybe just doesn't like Love or Kindness in general because he darkly warns Des "Just don't fall for nobody."

Bro wants to "holler at" Sean and they go outside and Bro is very concerned about something called "reciprocation" and also he thinks Sean is a "playboy" which is FUCKING HILARIOUS because Sean makes Mike Huckabee look like Nikki Sixx and I think his idea of being a playboy would be to go to church with a girl without meeting her parents first.  Anyway, they're about two seconds away from a shanking when it's time to go back inside (no booze, BTW, because Bro is probably on parole) and tonight we're having Awkwardness and Tears for dinner.

Following a tense recap with Chris Harrison, it's time to hand out the hardware.  But wait!  In a SHOCKING BREACH OF ROSE CEREMONY PROTOCOL, Des needs a minute and tries to apologize.  OK, we gotta move on here.  AdopTee gets one, then Drunk Linds, of course, and then...oh no!  S needs another minute and goes to the Secret Room to look at their pictures.  Christ.  Chris Harrison tells him to pull the fucking trigger already.  With that, Des gets dumped.  I hope her Bro doesn't have Sean's home address.  Into the Crying Limo with you.

NEXT TIME:  Fuck, there's more shit TONIGHT?  "Sean Tells All"?  The fuck is that?  I don't know about that.

31 Weeks

Congratulations!  Your baby is now roughly the size and shape of the Chachapoyan Fertility Idol from "Raiders of the Lost Ark"!

By now, baby has a favorite member of One Direction and can already resent you!  Perhaps you've noticed other changes, such as the feeling that THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END and WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU ASSHOLE.

Have you finished your Birth Plan?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE A BIRTH PLAN!?  You're already a terrible parent.  What do you think, babies just plop out and that's it?  How are you supposed to have a baby without a Birth Plan?

Have you gone to a lot of classes?  SIGN UP FOR SOME MOTHERFUCKING CLASSES ALREADY.  Jesus, you're like a child yourself.  Do we have to hold your hand through this whole thing?

You're probably wondering now what your baby's name will be.  It will probably by Rylynn or Kannadi or Smayden or Brixx.  Hard to tell until you get it from the Central Name Registry.  It usually comes in around Week 35.  Get ready!

What the fuck is up with this ad for chocolate?

Check out Russell Stover's 2013 V-Day joint:


OK, so let's leave aside the YOU MUST BUY CHOCOLATE OR ELSE message, like, what if my gf's a diabetic, Russell Stover?  What then?  Instead, let's focus on how fucking weird all the males in this ad are.  First we have your classic pudgy middle manager with the goatee type you can see in any airport or Home Depot.  Despite his nasally Wisconsinesque accent, he's not all THAT objectionable except you just KNOW he totally listens to Rush Limbaugh every day and maybe flirted with birtherism and forwarded some racist Photoshop emails.

OK, next guy, WHOA.  Chin much?  And that grey stubble/Just For Men head hair combo isn't doing anyone any favors.  But he seems harmless enough. I guess he's here to appeal to the smoked-pot-in-college-rides-a-motorcycle-on-weekends-builds-furniture-in-the-garage demo.

THIRD we have an otherwise cleancut young man who is clearly wearing lip gloss.  "No chocolate? Big trouble," he warns us, but notice he never uses any female pronouns.

FINALLY we have Kindly Gramps who still gets his wife chocolate!  Or maybe she passed away and he has a lady friend now.  You can see them out in his golf cart tooling around the Planned Retirement Community, talking about their grandkids and gout and whatnot.  We'll follow up the Russell Stover with a couple of Tom Collinses and then hit the hay around 7:30.

I don't object to a little V-D candy, Russell, but couldn't you find anyone, I don't know, maybe attractive to push it?

The Bachelor: Hot, Gross, and Thirsty

"Ya'll been in a seaplane before?" is the first thing we hear descending over St. Croix and no, Sean, we most certainly have not been in a seaplane before.  Let's get our Solo Date with AdopTee on, who Tierra labels a "cougar" because she's 32!  Well, I never!  First of all, 32 is NOT THAT OLD and second, I don't remember what second is because I'm old.  Anyway, they manage to get about 10 minutes into the date before Adopt brings up her abandonment issues and they swim out to a boat and then hit the beach and talk about.....Tierra!  Perfect.  Then the classic Making Out in the Surf and I hope she has cleared this whole thing with her team of psychiatrists.  For the Night Portion, we are having Outdoor Dinner By The Sea and AdopTee has a secret!  Guess what?  She got married at 17!  And then divorced, we assume, although she doesn't bring that up.  Oh, BFD, sweetie, who hasn't had a regrettable HS marriage?  Then for some reason she stands on a chair and yells "Ï LOVE SEAN" and ok, ok, please get down off the chair now.

Solo Date with Tierra. Strolling around St. Croix, Tierra is "Hot, Gross, and Thirsty," which is never mind I don't even want to get into it.  Following a totally impromptu and not staged by ABC at all Local Color Parade, they relax and talk about why Tierra can't get along with anyone! Nothing really comes of it.  Night Dinner is in the ruins of a sugar mill that is 100% haunted and T announces that she is "falling in love with him" and he will certainly "take that into consideration"!  The romance is strong here!  Fuck this shit.

It is 4:42 a.m., as the time on the screen alerts us.  Sean creeps into the Chick Bunker with night vision goggles on.  PEW PEW PEW one bullet between each of their eyes and all the rest of the girls are dead.  Haha, I wish.  No, they are actually being forced to get up WITHOUT MAKEUP!  Geneva Convention, where are you?  Drunk Lindsay, Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine, and Katie Holmes are off to see the sunrise.  Luckily, this is accompanied by mimosas!  DL is already getting the shakes and sobs with relief as she sucks down her drink.  Then we're off for a Tour of the Island which thankfully for Lindsay includes frequent Booze Breaks.

Next we stop by a treehouse and Des must relate to this kind of living situation having been a poor herself.  Then the oblig frolicking on the beach, wherein DL attaches her face to S like a remora.  Oh wait, Catherine has a secret too!  She has 4 Dads and one of them is in China?  I'm tres confused.  Is she the product of some bizarre genetic experiment or what's the deal here?  It's very cry-y whatever it is.  Oh one of the 4 Dads tried to kill himself in front of the kids!  That's terrible!  Catherine, just be like Lindsay and Drink to Forget.  Des wants him to meet her family.  That should be great, as long as he remembers to bring some cans and bottles!  Meanwhile, Drunk Lindsay gets the rose, yay!

Solo with Lesley Bugeyes.  S wants to "sit and talk." Oh great, asshole, everyone else gets Helicopter Bungee Jumping or Skyscraper Rappelling and I get Sit and Talk.  We're off to an old rum factory or roof factory, I'm not sure which, he was mumbling.  All ruins look about the same anyway.  She has a secret too! It better be good because 4 Dads has set the bar pretty high.  I hope she has at least 3 Moms.  No, wait, her secret is that she's falling for him? L A M E.  Call me when you had a kid with James Franco or huff paint on weekends, Lesley.

Guess who else is on St. Croix?  Sean's sister!  She's a ruddy lass who wouldn't be out of place smiling and holding an oar in the J. Crew catalog.  For some reason S wants to introduce Tierra to her!  But back at the Chick Compartment, there is a fight underway between Tierra and the girls!  I got distracted by her ringworm.

Tierra's parents said she had "a Sparkle"! Don't take away her Sparkle!  And there's something about how she can't control her eyebrows?  It's no 4 Dads, but it'll do, I guess.  Anyway, S arrives just as Sparkle is weeping on her loneliness cot and after a brief period outside staring meaningfully into middle distance, S tells T-Dog it's time to go!  The producers are not going to be happy about this.  In the Crying Van, T once again returns to the topic of her Sparkle.  Sparkle on, playa!

Some Serious Shit has gone down here and there will be no Cocktail Party.  Lindsay looks crestfallen.  We will proceed to the Rose Ceremony.  Dee gets one first, then 4 Dads and AdopTee.  Bye Lesley!  Meanwhile, why is Catherine decompensating?  YOU'RE SAFE GIRL.  I mean, for now.  No way you make it to the end.  Who wants 4 father-in-laws?

NEXT WEEK: Home visits! The General! Cath's hot sisters! Desiree's brother is a dick!  I guess his food stamps ran out early this week!