Shut up, Rainn Wilson

Rainn Wilson, I hope this is a joke:


Just what every nascent populist movement needs! A wealthy Hollywood actor telling them who can and can't be included on the basis of their personal wealth!

Based on 30 seconds of research, I couldn't determine how much Rainn makes per episode of "The Office," but Steve Carrell apparently made $297,000 per ep, so I think it's safe to say that Rainn is in six figures for a week's work. Not bad! Certainly not "trust fund" money, whatever the fuck that means. I guess there's a New Money exception to the No-Rich-People-at-the-Protest-Rule that Rainn is apparently espousing.

I think the Occupy movement is interesting, if a little unfocused, but anything that calls attention to the yawning income disparities in this country is worthwhile. I don't understand, though, why you shouldn't be allowed to participate if you have a "trust fund." Let's assume that Rainn is using "trust fund" as shorthand for "independently wealthy." Wouldn't you want to see some of those people on your side? They're the people who can actually influence politics. Wouldn't that be a great group to have aligned with you?

So maybe he's joking.

I have some Fun Vacation Snaps to share with you, but I left my camera in the rental and they're UPS Ground-ing to me, so it'll be a few days. Now trying desperately to remember if there are any incriminating pictures on that camera.

TK looks at the mayor's race

Guess what? There's a mayoral race on here in SF. Are you one of the 40% of San Franciscans who thinks Gavin Newsom's still mayor? SUCKS TO BE YOU. He's not. He's the Emperor of Cheeseburgers or something, I forget.

So let's clear some shit up.

FACTS ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO MAYORAL CANDIDATES

- There are 413 people running for mayor of San Francisco. One of them is named Ed Lee and is the current mayor. He got the job when Gavin Newsom went to the Big Rock Candy Mountain because his office was next to Gavin Newsom's and he could pull his phone into that office and they wouldn't have to reprogram it.

- 62 percent of the people running are schizophrenic, sociopathic, or mildly retarded. Under federal law, we are not allowed to disclose which are which.

- One of the candidates is John Avalos. I have no idea what any of his positions are, but I love love love this picture from his website:


Here we see Candidate Avalos discussing the finer points of brightly colored murals with a narcoleptic who has unexpectedly drifted off during his monologue.

Here are some basic rules for voting:

1. Vote for whichever candidate you know personally first
2. If, for some odd reason, you don't know any of the candidates personally, vote for Wilma Pang, because it's fun to say "Wilma Pang."
3. If you don't like saying Wilma Pang, what's wrong with you? Also, then vote for Phil Ting, so the SF Bay Guardian can catch him doing something illegal and then use the headline WHAT A PHIL-THY TING.
4. If you're a narcoleptic, vote for John Avalos because he's on the side of the narcoleptic (see above)
5. You're not going to vote anyway. Who are we kidding?

Wilma Pang. Wilma Pang.

Off to Arizona tomorrow. May or may not be posting from there. We'll be in touch. I gotta let you go now. Yes. Yes. I gotta go. Yeah, we'll talk soon. OK. OK. Bye.

More fun with Mom

Me and The Wife are going to Arizona to visit Mom on Thursday. Pray for us. In advance of our visit, I received an email with the following information:

1. She will be making breakfast for us on Friday morning. Apparently, I have not eaten a meal she has prepared "in 30 years." Pretty sure this can't be true, but that's her apparent belief. True, I eat at her place sparingly, but that's only because she favors food far past the expiration date. That seems to be a thing with Old People.

2. I am to leave some room in my suitcase so I can "carry back some kitchen utensils" she picked up for my sister (who's getting a new place) at garage sales in and around her Arizona retirement community. That's right, I am to leave room in my carry-on to schlep back Corningware and used spatulas. I don't think so.

Mom's always on the go. For her, a family visit isn't complete unless the day is chock-full of activities. Sitting around and talking is her idea of hell. Thus, she asked me to suggest some activities we could do. I suggested the Pima Air & Space Museum, just to see how that would go over. That didn't go over very well. I haven't been asked to make any other suggestions since then.

We're staying at a resort in this oldster community. Know how you can tell it's an oldster community? The bar & grill in the hotel closes at 8.

This Week in San Francisco in Verse

Look! It's Bevan Dufty riding Muni
With his daughter Sidney
If he can fix the fucking trains
I'll give him my left kidney



Steve Jobs passed on; I guess you'd say
His work benefitted us all
Another way to put it would be
AT&T dropped his call

The mayor's race is heating up
Ed Lee is getting attacked
I wouldn't worry about it though
He's pretty heavily Rose Pak'd

Occupy SF took to the streets
To stir up some civil strife
I doubt they're going to reform Wall Street
By yelling at my wife

The Blue Angels are here for their yearly flight
Some people think it's tacky
If the sound of fighters bothers you
Be glad you're not Iraqi

Hank and the First Amendment: A Primer

To no one's great surprise, ESPN and Hank Williams have parted ways after he compared Obama and Boehner playing golf to Hitler and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu playing golf. Just as well; we've been subjected to that retarded "Are you ready for some football" song for 20 FUCKING YEARS. About damn time to shake things up.

Anyway, Hank immediately played the Victim Card:

"After reading hundreds of e-mails, I have made MY decision," he wrote in a statement on his website. "By pulling my opening Oct 3rd, You (ESPN) stepped on the Toes of The First Amendment Freedom of Speech, so therefore Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE. It's been a great run."

No.

Here's what the First Amendment actually says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

First phrase: CONGRESS shall make no law. Not ESPN shall make no law. The First Amendment is designed to keep the GOVERNMENT from telling you what you can and can't say, not ESPN or any other basic cable network. Or your employer. Or your Mom. Or any other non-governmental body. Hank Williams Jr. and ESPN had a mutually beneficial business relationship. When ESPN decided that it would no longer be beneficial, they cancelled it. I have no idea what kind of contract ESPN and Bocephus had, but I'm sure it didn't contain a provision saying that "ESPN will not terminate its relationship with Williams Jr. because of any retarded thing he says in public." But there's not First Amendment involvement here at all.

(Of course, over the years, courts have added a number of exceptions to the seemingly plain "Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech." It's illegal to threaten to kill someone, for example, even though that's a law abridging the freedom of speech. But that's neither here nor there.)

Oh, one more thing: I fully support Hank's right to say whatever the fucks he wants. If he wants to say Obama faked the moon landing and is secretly a Chinese spy, go for it. I'm just saying that ESPN firing him has nothing to do with the First Amendment, despite what he says in his oddly capitalized email.

You have a beautiful egg

Here, read this Slate story "Did Human Pregnancy Evolve Because of an Infection?". You're not gonna read it, so I'll tell you what it's about:

HOW COME PEOPLE HAVE LIVE BABIES AND DON'T LAY MOTHERFUCKING EGGS.

Holy shit. MIND BLOWN. Can you fucking IMAGINE if people laid eggs? So, you'd like have labor and birth after a few months of being pregnant and then PLOP, "OK!! Here's your egg!" and then you'd leave the hospital with a pamphlet called "Caring for Your Egg" and it would have stuff like "It's best to wrap your egg in an electric blanket at night, especially if you live in a cold climate." No, even better, people would sell EGG COZIES on Etsy and you could get one with your baby's name on it.

For some reason, I'm picturing them about a foot-and-half tall and maybe 15, 20 pounds. Don't ask me about how that gets out, biologically. Gross.

There would totally be anti-abortion groups called, like, Don't Crack That Egg and Americans for Egg Integrity (AEI). And a whole underground of people who would like dispose of your egg if you didn't want it. There would, naturally, be a snuff film black market underground of people who ate human eggs and said they were "delicious, if a little gamey."

Custom shell-painting. Nuf said.

People would bitch about mothers who carried their eggs with them everywhere and they gave them an extra seat at the movie theater because they just couldn't stand to be away from their egg for a second. They'd be called "Penguin Parents" because they never leave their eggs alone. Other parents are happy to sometimes leave their eggs at the Egg Watchery at the mall while they go shop for hatching supplies, but not Penguin Parents.

Southwest, however, makes you buy an extra seat on the plane for your egg.

Don't even get me started on the people who hatch at home. SO UNSAFE.

Monday: Random

- I saw a completely naked guy on a bicycle on the corner of Church and Market yesterday. Is that a thing now? Naked bicycling? There wasn't even a group, just him. Whatever. Everyone is an attention whore in their own way. Walk around with a parrot on your shoulder? Attention whore. Have a face full of metal? Attention whore. BART protester? Attention whore. Naked bicyclist? You guessed it.

- Here's a completely fake rant about Hardly Strictly Bluegrass:

Oh great! Where else can 600,000 white people crawl all over each other and talk through a performance by the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Band singing songs about a life of hardship and deprivation that the crowd pretends to embrace but which is as foreign to them as a moon rock, since "deprivation" to this crowd is a full parking lot at Trader Joe's? Yes, I know you spread out your blanket at 11 am to save you 8 square feet of space but I don't see any Deed from the City and County of SF tranferring title of this muddy patch of GG Park to you and unless you've developed the first working force field, people are going to walk over your blanket and you're going to have to get the fuck over it.

j/k. I didn't even go this year because I don't like crowds and it's always a nightmare getting anywhere afterwards. But I honestly think it's a very nice event and I've always enjoyed it in the past. But: Too Crowded.

[Also, professional musician? Attention whore.]

- I know it's Election Season again when fucking campaign workers start knocking on my door. (PARENTHETICAL: Does this happen to everyone, or am I just especially afflicted?) One day last time around, we had something like 8 different people come to the door in one day. I've gotta put the "No Campaign Workers" sign back on the door. This time it was 11 am on Sunday morning. I'm sorry, but that is fucking bullshit. You do not knock on someone's door before noon on Sunday. (Well, you should never knock on someone's door, but ESPECIALLY not before noon on Sunday.) So, David Chiu, guess who's not voting for you now?

When they knocked on the door, my dog naturally went apeshit like he do and I yelled through the door "WHO IS IT" and I heard someone say "David Chiu for Mayor" and I said "IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME" and now I wish I had said "YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS BEFORE I OPEN THE DOOR AND LET THIS DOG OUT."