The Bachelorette: Istanbullshit

Hey look everybody, we’re in Istanbul! Ali didn’t realize that 2 million people lived here. Or that Turkey existed! We’re starting off with a bang this week. You know when Ali says “I don’t think anything could go wrong at this point” that SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY GOING WRONG. They should have spliced in the Dramatic Chipmunk right after she said that.



Chris Harrison comes by and says he’s got some bad news. Not everyone is Here for the Right Reasons! Here, talk to this chick “Jessie” on the phone. Jessie lives in Toronto and lounges around in a candlelit house. She has some bad news. The Entertainment Wrestler has a girlfriend! AND SHE’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! GET OUT, ALI!!! Oh, wait, she’s right here. Her name is Jessica. Don’t they have any other names in Canada? Anyway, Jessica is one of EW’s gfs. He’s got 2! Wow, who knew that Entertainment Wrestling was such a chick magnet? He’s not there to find True Love, but to enhance his entertainment wrestling career. Mission Accomplished, EW! Now you’ll always be known as that Tool Who Went on the Bachelorette!

Anyway, Ali calls a meeting and confronts EW. He promptly gets up and flees. Too bad Kasey’s not there to protect and guard her heart! Oh no, EW’s trapped on the hotel grounds! Quick, go through the fountain! Ali will lose your scent and won’t be able to track you! Then he comes back to offer some lame excuse. Then stalks off again. This time, into the hotel! EW is the Worst Stormer Offer in history! Anyway, good riddance. Back at the Douche Suite, everyone’s mad at EW. Except for Frank, who appears to be thoughtfully considering the situation. FORESHADOWING.

OK, back to business. Solo date with Ty. Nice choices with the silver-tipped cowboy boots and baby-head-sized gold medallion, Ty! Ali correctly identifies the Hagia Sophia. Disappointingly, she doesn’t yell “HAGIA SOPHIA!!!! WHOOOOO!!!” They go get in a 300-year-old hot tub. Ew. Look, Ty’s already got a nasty growth from the 300-year-old bacteria.



Now we’re at a lovely al fresco dinner. Girl, you gotta do something about those roots. ABC’s hair budget must be like a nickel. Ty’s talking about his divorce. It’s exactly as interesting as anyone talking about their divorce, which is to say it’s painfully boring. Oh look, there just happen to be some colorful street musicians here for some completely spontaneous dancing! That happens here in SF too, except the street musicians charge you $5 to look at them.

Now we have a Group Date. When you think Very Very Heterosexual Activities you’d like to do on a date with a Girl, what comes to mind? Oil Wrestling with a Large and Unibrowed Turkish Man? Then you’re gay. Oh, no, wait, you’re on the Bachelorette. Everyone gets good and greased up and gets a good old-fashioned Heterosexual Grappling from some Turks and then from one another. Fivehead wins. He says winning at All-Male Oil Wrestling is “better than winning a big kiss.” I see some holes in your game, Craig. He wins a Solo Dinner with Ali and spends most of the time talking about Oil Wrestling. I was getting a date-rapey vibe from him, but maybe only for guys. Man, is he ugly.

Solo Date with Frank next. He says “We’re in Turkey.” That’s good, Frank! Now, how many fingers am I holding up? Just one. They do some shopping at the Spice Bazaar where they get into all kinds of krazy hijinx and Frank buys a rug. Their life together will be one big slapstick comedy! Now it’s time for dinner in the underground sewer system or something. To get their food, they have to wade through some standing water and God knows what else. This is the oddest place for a date ABC has picked yet. Next week, we’ll set up a table in the janitor’s closet of a box factory!

We are now limping towards the end. In a vain attempt to create some kind of drama out of this week’s episode of the Watching Paint Dry Show, Ali decrees that there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony!!! The guys all react like they just found out that Joey Bishop killed Kennedy or that Two and a Half Men has been cancelled. Anyway, Fivehead gets cut. No surprise there. Hopefully the producers gave him a Consolation Oil Wrestling Match.

Next Week: Some brightly-colored European tourist trap. Lisbon, maybe? I don’t know.

Someone made a malmistake! Or a corrupticon!

From the otherwise drab ""FTC Says Scammers Stole Millions, Using Virtual Companies":

The U.S. Federal Trade Commission has disrupted a long-running online scam that allowed offshore fraudsters to steal millions of dollars from U.S. consumers -- often by taking just pennies at a time.

The scam, which had been run for about four years years, according to the FTC, provides a case lesson in how many of the online services used to lubricate business in the 21st century can equally be misused for fraud.

"It was a very patient scam," said Steve Wernikoff, a staff attorney with the FTC who is prosecuting the case. "The people who are behind this are very valmeticulous."

Wait a second. Did you just say "valmeticulous"? What does that mean, like extra meticulous, or like the evil version of meticulous? Like James Bond villains are especially valmeticulous, right?

Oh, wait, never mind. Looks like it's some kind of fuckup and not a real word. That sucks! I wanted to be valmeticulous too.

Here's an action-packed semi-interesting review of my weekend.

No, I didn't feel it. At 7:47 a.m. I was either walking down the steps into the 24th & Mission BART station or was somewhere nearby. Got down to the platform and the guy comes on the intercom and says there's been a quake and trains will be delayed. NOW, what's your first thought? Oh, I might be late to work or Wow, earthquake! or Listen to this jackass calling someone to say there's been an earthquake? Well, my first thought was to look around at my fellow passengers and think Are these the people I want to be trapped with if there's a bigger one coming up? Because if it looks like they're going to be no help, I'm going back up to the street and taking the bus.

ANYWAY. What a weekend! Pavement Friday night. Here's an outstanding review from the delightfully named Ian S. Port. I've been talking about this show pretty much nonstop since Friday night, and now I don't really feel like going on any more about it, but here are three observations:

1. Lots of aging hipsters have adopted the Adam Savage look: big, chunky glasses and unruly hair.

2. Gary Young probably shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a drum kit.

3. It was probably better than I expected.

Saturday was the Dyke March. It's exactly what it sounds like.

Picture may include non-dykes.

Yesterday I went to the Giants-Red Sox game. It was awful. Look, I get that the Sox have incredibly loyal fans and everywhere they go their people show up in force and blah de blah, but there is something uniquely and supremely annoying about being in your own ballpark and having people around you cheering at your team's failures. And believe me, the Giants failed extremely well yesterday.

Hi, Red Sox!

Also, it was about a million fucking degrees out and I drank too much. Betcha didn't see that coming!

Walmart really is the low price leader!

Whether you're looking for some polyester clothing or maybe a meth baby:

A California couple faces child endangerment charges after police say they tried to sell their 6-month-old baby for $25 outside a Walmart store.

Salinas police spokesman, Officer Lalo Villegas, said Thursday that Patrick Fousek, 38, and Samantha Tomasini, 20, were arrested early Wednesday, hours after Fousek allegedly approached two women outside Walmart and asked if they'd like to purchase his child.

What the story doesn't say is that the baby originally cost $39.50!

Too soon?

Happy Friday, everyone! Big weekend! Pavement at the Greek Theater tonight. US-Ghana in World Cup tomorrow. The Big Gay Thing. WHEW! That's a lot of activity.

In other news, is there going to be an earthquake today? Quakeprediction.com thinks so! WTF? I thought you couldn't predict earthquakes reliably. We'll see, I guess!

America

Fuck yeah.

UPDATE: FIFA is a jerk. Here's a link to the video of the goal, which you should watch 8 times in a row like I just did: It's on Huffington Post, for some reason.

The Bachelorette: Iceland Is Cold, and I Don't Feel So Good Myself

Iceland used to be best known for Leif Erikson and Bjork, but these days it’s better-known for volcanism and financial collapse. That makes it perfect for our next stop! I don’t know why; I can’t finish this analogy. I’m still kind of sick. Before we go on, I got a shot of Kasey’s Protect and Guard Your Heart brand tattoo:


Ugh, what a fucking mess. It looks like some cabbage and a bad bruise.

After our oblig establishing shots of Iceland and Ali in a fur hat, it’s time for a challenge: the guys will write love poems to her, and are told to incorporate some Icelandic in them. God, they just find new ways to make this show more painful every week. Next week, maybe we’ll have slam poetry or acoustic Gloria Estefan covers. Anyway, the Entertainment Wrestler tries stopping random Icelanders in the street, which proves unsuccessful, unless the phrase he wants to use is “Get the fuck out of my face.” Ali appears and screams “ICELAAAAAAND!!,” of course. If we ever get somewhere and she doesn’t yell out the name of where we are I’m going to be pissed. The poems are just as miserable and depressing as you might imagine. Frank’s poem is about his ex! I thought chicks didn’t like that!?! Pls. advise ASAP. Kirk wins and gets a solo date.

Off they go traipsing through Reykjavik. Hey, what did ABC do with all the Icelanders? There’s like nobody on the streets. It looks like San Jose. They go clothes shopping. ABC needs to buy Ali some new hair, because they obviously went for the bargain extensions. They buy matching sweaters! That seems about right. Then it’s off to lunch, where Kirk will now tell us about his Secret and Disturbing History.

It seems that some five years ago, Kirk was a Star Athlete (8th best at the 1500, if you must know), when he moved into a Rented House of Horrors. He began developing odd symptoms like he couldn’t lift his arms up and the left side of his body was numb and he bled from the eyes and it sounds like a pretty normal Friday night to me but not even 40 doctors could find out what was wrong! Then a ghostly spirit appeared and told him to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Not, not really. What really happened was that the house was contaminated. Oh no, that’s an Asbes-don’t! It was full of mold and whatever and with some “alternative medicine” he finally got better. This story is SO BORING. Ali is struggling to stay awake. Ugh, Kirk is so full of mold now he’s like an old loaf of bread you forgot about at the back of the pantry. Oh no, Ali, don’t kiss that! Gross! Now you’ll get the Molds too. That was the least inspiring story of Overcoming Adversity I’ve ever heard.

Hey look, it’s a Group Date! We’re going horseback riding. Or something riding. What are those little things? They’re like dog-sized horses. Good thing Ty knows how to wrangle them! Oh, look, they’re being lowered into a pit in the Earth! I like where this is going! Where are the cement trucks?

Then we’re off to the Blue Lagoon, which is not a pedophilia-themed amusement park but a hot springs. It’s supposed to have healing properties. Maybe it can heal her hair. She makes out with some guys and tells Frank he’s not trying hard enough. I just think he ran out of meth on like Day 3.

Now we have a threesome date with The Entertainment Wrestler and Kasey the Frog Prince. They fly to the volcano that is (WARNING FORESHADOWING) going to fuck up Europe’s travel plans real bad and land and walk around and the EW says this “feels like a wrestling match.” I guess he’s going to pay Kasey $50 to hit him with a folding chair. Time for the big tattoo reveal! Ali says “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal.” WHOOPS!!! That’s not really his thing, Ali. He shows her the tattoo. She has the same face you get when someone with a knife is telling you that the CIA is following them. She cuts Kasey! There is some chick in Clovis right now who is going to get the shit protected and guarded out of her. EW and Ali get in the helicopter and leave Kasey on the glacier to die.


Getting close to the end now. Bear with me, but you should know this is more painful for me than it is for you. We have the usual Pre-Rose-Ceremony chats. There’s the Mystery Guy again! Seriously, does he just appear at the end of every episode! Wow, he’s got the personality of an ottoman. She asks him what his guilty pleasure is and he says “Mexican food.” That’s funny, my guilty pleasures are dry cleaning and FM radio!

Now Chris talks to her. Wow, Chris is going all psychiatrist on her! “You’re afraid to fall in love! What are you so afraid of?” Ali looks a little taken aback! I don’t feel so good myself! “Are you afraid they’ll betray you like your father did? Like every man in your life has???!!!?” She’s going to need some Cymbalta! I can tell from the ads. Too bad about the Yellow Eyes and Skin you get from taking it!

Mystery Man gets cut. No surprise there. Next week, Issinbull. At least that’s what Ali keeps calling it. We’ll find out together, I guess.

To the person who found my blog by Googling "Did soccer originate with kicking around the severed heads of prisoners?"

I don't think so.