Star Spangled Banner (v. 2.0)

Oh say can you see
My badass APC
Get the fuck off the street
We're the militarized police

Whose broad rights and what laws
Will we trample today
Your First Amendment
Is no match for my HK

And the road flares' red glare
Tear gas bursting in air
Gave proof through the night
There were cops everywhere

Oh say did that riot policema-aaa-aaa-aan
Tell you get the fuck inside
Or he'll tear gas you toooooooooooooo

Your Outside Lands timeline for today

12:05 Shotgun beer under the Crossover Drive bridge.

12:10 Enter festival grounds. Idly wonder who or what Night Terrors of 1927 is.

12:12 Oh, they're one of those swooping chorus electro pop bands.

1:43 Stop by the "USPS Janis Joplin Tribute." Now even the fucking mail is sponsoring acts at music festivals.

2:15 Run the Jewels. Hey, a black person! On stage, anyway.

3:05 In case your Mom is with you, "Magician Jon Armstrong" at the "Gastro-Magic" stage. Does Magician Jon Armstrong do food magic or something? Maybe he can make monkfish edible.

4:03 Eat mushrooms.

4:15 Attempt to dig up bottle of Fireball you buried last week.  Dig up raccoon skeleton instead.

4:48 Mushrooms beginning to take effect.

4:50 Decide to wear raccoon skull.

6:15 Is Bear Hands real or did Vice make them up? Why are they rotating in space and shooting out plumes of color?

6:28 Ascend to Third Plane of Astral Reality. Disappointingly, no complimentary food on this plane.

6:44 Visit the This Is Fucking Offal food truck, order sheep's gall bladder sliders.

6:56 Vomit up sheep's gall bladder sliders.

7:18 Halfway through Tegan & Sara remember you don't like Tegan & Sara.

7:22 Realize that all 120,000 people here are now heading towards Kanye stage.

8:40 Get to back of Kanye crowd.  I can see him!

9:38 Disjointed crying.  Escorted out by security.

What's going on with the Top 3 songs in the country right now?

Dedicated readers (or reader, I suppose) know that from time to time we like to put our ear to the railroad track of popular music and get our skull crushed and mangled by whatever the Billboard Top 3 songs in the country are right that day.  It's been a while!  Let's do it again.

The Number One song in the country right now is - and I am having trouble with superlatives here - one of the Worst Songs Ever Created by Man.  It's called "Rude" by a band called Magic! with an exclamation point so you know they're EXCITING!  It's barely even a song.  Whatever you do, don't click "play."


You did it.  You clicked "play," didn't you?  I'm sorry.  Look, I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here because Jia Tolentino at the Hairpin has already done a brilliant longform takedown of this song that is so good that you'll want to print it out and frame it.  Suffice it to say that not only is this a bad song; the creators should be put in Gitmo and terrorists should be released to make room for them.  Released to Canada, though, since Magic! with an exclamation point is from Canada.  (And the phrase "Canadian reggae fusion band" is the scariest collection of words since "Guy Fieri's donkey sauce".)

Let's put that unpleasantness behind us and move on, to Number Two: "Fancy," by Iggy Azalea featuring Charli XCX.


Iggy Azalea is inspirational proof that even a knockout blonde from Australia can somehow make it in the entertainment business.  I'm not even going to attempt to unpack the layers of cultural appropriation going on here.  Maybe I don't get it because I'm not in the "murda bizness" like Iggy Azalea.

I don't really have much else to add about this song.  I give it three "whatever"s.

Number Three is "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith.



The best of a bad lot, I guess.  I don't really know anything about Sam Smith but I gather from the 3 minutes of online research I just did that he's renowned for his incredible vocal range and whatever that's fine good for him.  The song is a little boring but I guess it's heartfelt and that's more than you can say about the other two.  So good for you, Sam Smith.

Out of curiosity, I checked to see what the Top 3 songs were 20 years ago today.  Ready for this?

1. "Stay" - Lisa Loeb
2. "I Swear" - All-4-One
3. "Fantastic Voyage" - Coolio

So that proves it!  Music really was always better 20 years ago from any given date ever in the history of time.  In 2034 we'll be pining for the emotional resonance of "Rude" by Magic!.  No, that will never happen.  That is not true.

One final note.  In looking at the Top 10 I noticed that #6 is "Maps" by Maroon 5 and at first I got really excited because I thought Maroon 5 was covering the Yeah Yeah Yeahs but disappointingly it's a completely different song.

#Muniproblems

Since it's Friday, no one wants to read my thinkpiece about how the Trade Deadline is a metaphor for America, so let's keep it simple today and do some unfocused scattershot ranting about Muni.  That'll get us pageviews!

1. I sent out this #hottake a couple of days ago:

The easiest way to make Muni faster would be to eliminate any stops where there's another stop on THE SAME BLOCK
— TK (@40goingon28) July 30, 2014

Let me expand on this thought. Amazing as it may seem to an outside observer, yes, there are places on some lines - maybe every line, fuck if I know - where the bus stops at one end of the block, picks up disgruntled and/or self-medicated San Franciscans, then drives a hundred feet to the other end of the block AND STOPS AGAIN.  This is pure lunacy.

Here's an example, on Turk Street between Hyde and Larkin.  The 31 stops at both ends of Turk on that block.  Why?  NOBODY KNOWS.

Not really.  I'm sure somebody knows.  There's probably some kind of algorithm that determines how far you can go without having a bus stop and putting the stop on the next block would be 14" farther than the algorithm allows.

This is stupid.  No wonder Muni is so fucking slow.  There are too many goddam stops.

2. Every fucking day, the breezy, infuriating SFMTA Twitter sends out something like this:

ATTN: 2, 8x, 9, 10, 19, 38, 43, 48, 71 and 14x routes are experiencing longer than normal waiting times.
— SFMTA (@sfmta_muni) July 30, 2014

I can't say for sure what this shit is about, but I have a good guess: some drivers didn't show up for work.  If this happened in a normal setting, the organizational entity would account for this and bring in replacements.  With Muni, what happens is that bus run just gets skipped.  Bay Citizen explains:

Muni and AC Transit rely on an “extra board,” a group of on-call bus drivers who fill in if a driver is late or absent. Muni schedules about 1,200 drivers each weekday and has about 100 on call. AC Transit schedules about 525 drivers during the week and has 150 on call.

In the past, when all of the on-call drivers were working, Muni would pay overtime to drivers who were off to come in and cover any remaining shifts. But faced with a $29 million budget shortfall and out-of-control overtime spending, Muni decided last month to skip bus runs instead.

Got that?  Instead of replacing the drivers and keeping all the scheduled runs going, Muni just says fuck it and that's why your bus looks like this:

3. They still can't figure out how to keep the system running smoothly on days when there's a Giants game at AT&T.  OF COURSE more people will be riding Muni those days.  This has been going on for FOURTEEN YEARS.  In 14 years, one single human being can progress from mewling in a crib to flying a Cessna 172 over Toronto.  That's just one person!  Muni has a team of people, presumably, and in 14 years they haven't figured out how to move a slightly larger than normal number of people around a ballpark.

4. If I can audibly hear music from your headphones, you are going to have permanent hearing loss and in 30 years some poor minimum wage employee is going to be yelling at you "THAT. COMBO. MEAL. DOES. NOT. COME. WITH. A. DRINK."  Give that person a break and turn it down some.

Whew.  That's better.  I've relieved the pressure and now the voices will be quiet for a while.  Have a nice weekend.

Fun with latitude, also, this is a long walk

So I was idly wondering, as I do, If you left San Francisco and walked in a straight line across the US, where would you end up?  FASCINATING RIGHT?

So let's assume that CHP would close the Bay Bridge for us.  There would of course be a lot of helicopters and shit to document TK'S WALK ACROSS THE US.

At first it's super boring.  Mostly just wilderness.  The first town of any size we score a direct hit on is Dodge City, Kansas, which, like San Francisco, is at 37 dgrees, 45 minutes north of the equator and thus is in an exact straight line with SF.  HELLO DODGE CITY!!!  Bet you didn't know you were San Francisco's Longitude Partner.  MWAH!

Onward.  We'll pass just north of Harrisburg, Illinois, and straight through Rineyville, Kentucky, where "[t]here is no formal town government; elected county officials oversee roads."  SOUNDS WILD.  Walking walking walking we will hit Hanover, Virginia, a suburb of Richmond, and then step into the Chesapeake Bay just north of Ingram Cove, not far from Kilmarnock, Virginia, and the Hughlett Point Area Preserve.

I hope we can swim, because we've got a long ways to go before we emerge again onto dry land near Crystal Beach Road in Onancock, Virginia.  In fact, here's a picture of almost the exact spot where we'll walk, dripping and covered with seaweed and crap, out of the Chesapeake Bay.

I found this picture attached to a home listing nearby.  3 BRM for $699K!  Sounds like a good deal.  Little does the future buyer know that he or she is DIRECTLY IN LINE with San Francisco.  (The beach is facing the wrong way because it's on a peninsula kind of thing. Take my word for it.)

After crossing the Eastern Shore of Virginia, we shall plunge into the Atlantic near the inelegant-sounding Gargathy Bay.  So there's your answer!  If you go in a perfectly straight line across America from San Francisco, you walk into the Atlantic not far from Parksley, Virginia. (Parksley's actually at 37 degrees 46 minutes, so it's lined up with the northern half of SF.)

If we're so inclined, and a willing partner is nearby, maybe we can prevail on Reverend Rod, Wedding Officiant, to hitch us up before we begin our long long journey across the Wild Atlantic.

I know what you're asking.  WHY IS THIS SO BORING.  No, the other thing you're asking.  WHERE DO WE POP OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE.

Portugal.

This has been fun!  Let's do it again soon.

I don't understand these housing protests at all

From ABC 7 News:

SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENTIAL SURTAX FACES OPPOSITION

(ALL CAPS belong to ABC 7, not me.)

If you click on the link you can see the whole boring video, in which they stuck poor Lyanne Melendez up on Twin Peaks for some reason.

Anyway, here's the crux of it:

Anyone buying two or more units without living there would be severely taxed if they sell the property within five years. They would be taxed 24 percent the first year and then less every year after that.

Mar got enough votes from the Board of Supervisors to put the measure on the November ballot.

"It's a small, narrow group of people that are flipping buildings so it's really narrowly tailored to only the handful of people that are making profits off people suffering and throwing our housing costs out of whack," Mar said.

The surtax will not be imposed if the property is sold at a loss.

So it's basically an anti-flipping ordinance.  If you buy a multi-unit building and then turn it into TICs (or sell it as is) without living there, you get hit with a tax.  Given that there's been a lot of Ellis Act evictions going on just to flip buildings into TICs, I can understand why this sounds good.

Now, if you want to protest this, FINE.  Stand up and be proud and say "HEY I'M A FLIPPER AND I WANT TO BUY BUILDINGS AND KICK OUT TENANTS AND SELL THEM AS TICs FOR A FAT PROFIT.  SO YOU SHOULD LET ME DO THIS WITHOUT PAYING EXTRA TAX BECAUSE AMERICA."  That I could at least respect for honesty.

But that's not what these protesters are saying.

The Chinese Real Estate Association of America opposes the measure. "Most of the Chinese or Asian people, we believe in purchasing property, owning a property and passing on the property to the next generation," spokesperson Tina Wong said.

WAIT WHAT.  Hey guess what, Chinese Real Estate Association of America? I HAVE GOT SOME AWESOME  NEWS FOR YOU.  If you purchase and own property and pass it on to the next generation, YOU WILL NOT BE SUBJECT TO THIS TAX.  So you can stand down.  You have nothing to worry about.

(Now, I'm not an idiot.  I know the CREAA actually wants to flip buildings and make money without paying more taxes.  Which, if that's your position, fine. Own it. Just don't pretend to be something you're not.)

In Protest #2, we have the Levins, who didn't read up on rent control before they bought their building.

Dan and Maria Levin bought a small home in the 400 block of Lombard St. It has two units, each with one bedroom. 

The person renting their other unit can't afford to move out. The only way is to pay them off - their attorney said it would cost more than $100,000.

"We want the extra unit for our family and friends because currently we have no room whatsoever in our one bedroom, small apartment and it would be great for when they come and visit," Maria Levin said.

In other words, they bought their building knowing there was a tenant in one of the units and that tenant can't just be kicked out because they need their own personal Airbnb, but despite knowing all that AHEAD OF TIME, they are stunned that the tenant won't just sheepishly pack up and go.

(If they weren't notified about the tenant, or the tenant was hiding in the closet when they did their inspections, that's another story but I doubt it.)

(Also, it will cost whatever you work out with the tenant.  If the tenant will move for $30K, then it'll cost that.  If the tenant will move for $26 and a Wade Boggs rookie card, so much the better.)

Advice for the Levins: if you don't want this problem, don't buy a building with a tenant.

Consumer Reports' Worst Fast Food Restaurants: Yes, mostly terrible

I see the busybodies at Consumer Reports are back on the job telling us what fast food is OK and what isn't.  Leaving aside The Fast Food Golden Rule -  A N Y  F A S T  F O O D  I S  G R E A T  I F  Y O U ' R E  H U N G  O V E R  E N O U G H - let's see how they did!

According to this article in "The Week," Consumer Reports surveyed 32,000 non-hungover people and asked them to rank "food quality and freshness, value, politeness, speed of service, and cleanliness of the dining area."  I see your problem right there, since you should be ranking Fat and Carb Content, Whether You Can Fill Your Own Soda, Likelihood There Is a Hobo Sleeping in the Next Booth, How Big Are the Fries, and Is This a Wendys.  But anyway, here are the worst, from not-quite-the-worst to Basically Inedible.  Drum roll please, for 11 to 7:

Yeah, Panda Express is totally gross. Exhibit #1:

Sorry, I hope you didn't just eat.  Apart from ghastly combinations like this, most of their food is unrecognizable glop slopped on top of rice or spaghetti noodles.  But if you're not changing planes, when are you ever going to have to eat at a Panda Express? If you subject yourself to that, it's your own fucking fault.

Taco Bell is what it is.  If you want La Cumbre, go to La Cumbre.  If you want a chicken-type product in a tortilla for a dollar, go to the Bell.

I haven't eaten Little Caesars in maybe 25 years so I can't comment.

Domino's is horrible.  Good job Consumer Reports.  The only time you can ever reasonably eat Domino's is if you're in a hotel in Sioux Falls and nothing else is open or in some kind of terrorist-type scenario where a madman is going to blow up a puppy camp if you don't eat it.

I could have a Pizza Hut once in a while, just for their weird spongy crust.  I've never fucked with any of the shit they started doing to their crust like stuffing all that crap in it.

BUT WAIT IT GETS WORSE:

I have no idea what "CiCi's Pizza" is but usually nothing that comes from Texas is any good for anyone.

Burger King is OK.  Hey, do you have a Burger King vs. McDonald's preference?  Is it normal to have such a preference?  Is that something you should discuss with your doctor, like Abilify?

I have McDonald's like once or twice a year and I never regret it any more.  I like those flat cheeseburgers.  Did you ever see "Super Size Me" where that guy ate nothing but McDonald's for a month or whatever?  I saw it and it made me want McDonald's SO BAD that we left the movie theater after it and went straight to a McDonald's.  

I never had Church's Chicken in my life.

And finally SBARRO.  Yes, Sbarro is terrible.  I have no further comment on the issue.