Friday, March 25, 2016

Here's what they don't tell you in parenting class

On the occasion of Beyonce's third birthday, here's what I've learned about having a kid, so far, in part.

1. They start out eating just one thing, then will pretty much eat anything, then go back down to one or two things.

They start off with milk (and formula too, which is totally fine despite what militant breastfeeding types will tell you).  Then she started eating pretty much everything we were eating.  Her first two words after "Mama" were "bus" and "tortilla," if that gives you any clue.  I think her first favorite food was pad thai, which she'll still eat on occasion.  I never even heard of pad thai until I was like 23.  Then as she got a little older she got pickier.  No more broccoli.  No more corn.  Mostly mac and cheese.  She loves mac and cheese like teenage girls love One Direction.  I'm exaggerating about only liking one or two things, but she definitely won't eat the rainbow any more. Luckily she still likes fruit.

2. "It goes by so fast" is bullshit.

The biggest lie the baby-industrial complex has ever foisted on the American public is that "time just flies, you'll wake up one day and she's off to college."  Total crap,  She just turned 3 and it seems like it's been about 6 years.  I don't even remember her not being here.  DON'T GET ME WRONG I love her to death and wouldn't have it any other way but she gets up by 6:45 am at the latest every day and basically never stops talking.  It's kinda exhausting.  Time does not fly under those conditions.

3. Kids are kind of hilarious

Yesterday morning she wanted me to sing "Happy Birthday" to her so I did.  Then she had her sunglasses sing "Happy Birthday" to me in a funny voice even though it wasn't my birthday and her sunglasses are not sentient creatures as far as I know.  Shit like that cracks me up.  She also got "actually" from another kid at preschool and now says "actually" all the time like she's #notallmen on Twitter.  "Actually I would rather have cereal."  OK then.

4. Kids have the emotional response of Britney Spears that day she shaved her head

Sometimes they just lose their fucking shit for no reason.  We have literally asked her "Why are you crying right now?" and she's said "I don't know why I'm crying! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  One second she'll be happy and totally chill and then she gets the bad news that we're not having cupcakes for breakfast and WHAM total fucking meltdown.  I know it's all a totally normal developmental stage blah blah blah fine but just get a Livejournal already and let it out there.

5. TV is your secret weapon. Use it but don't abuse it.

There are parents who say "We don't allow our kids to watch TV." They are lying.  Sometimes you really just need 30 minutes to put some laundry in or stare blankly into middle distance and there is nothing wrong with letting Dora co-parent for a spell.  We keep a lid on it and don't just park her in front of the screen for hours on end but I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with catching some shows.

6. Overall, it's great

Big picture?  So far it's pretty great.  We're probably on the lucky end because apart from a few tantrums here and there, our kid is pretty chill and goes to bed without any trouble pretty much every night and is usually down for whatever, but on the whole, yeah, it's great.

Happy Birthday, kid.


GG said...

SHE IS SO CUTE! I just had to chime in because holy heck, I had no idea about the militant breastfeeding stuff until a close friend went through a lot of emotional angst over having to supplement with formula because she wasn't making enough milk. She tried literally everything the doctors could think of, and her baby was underweight because he wasn't getting enough calories, and people STILL tried to make her feel guilty about it. I'm like, BUT YOUR BABY IS LITERALLY STARVING! You have no reason to feel guilty about this! So creepy/weird.

Anonymous said...

nailed it.

Michael Dodd said...

Gotta love a kid who has her sunglasses sing anything to you!

Anonymous said...

Wish we had known that the omnivorous thing was going to be a really brief flash in the pan and would probably not reoccur until they're in college and want to impress a classmate with their sophistication.

We were so proud when our son, upon eating solids, would eat stuff like sautéed spinach. It's now a struggle to get him to eat anything other than starches and dairy. 90% of his diet is composed of some combination of Mac'n'Cheese, Pizza, and Cereal.

Any encouraging development in open-mindedness, such as an enthusiasm for fried calamari or egg scrambles with finely-chopped spinach, turns out to be a mercurial one-time thing. Scarfs it down the one time, and then makes you feel like you're trying to foist prison food upon him the next.

TK said...

GG - Thanks! Yeah, the breastfeeding thing is a whole other thing I don't even want to begin to get into, as you know.

burrito - Thanks fellow Dad

Michael - Yeah, she's a trip

chestery - SO GLAD to hear it's not just us. Like c'mon, you liked this YESTERDAY!!!

Civic Center said...

If you haven't read MFK Fisher, the great, neurotic food writer who started the whole California/French fresh food writing genre decades ago, do read her. In her memoir, "The Gastronomical Me," she explains how taste buds in children are extremely sensitive, so that strong flavors are actually painful and revolting until years of eating have hardened one into enjoying ever-more-powerful tastes.

Andrea said...

Wait until she gets a sibling.
"You're going to die young, princess!" exclaimed my 3yo daughter to her 8yo brother.

Beyonce is beautiful.

TK said...

Michael - That is really interesting, thanks. I've only read articles by Fisher; I should probably read some of her books.

Andrea - I LOL'd. And thanks!

Anonymous said...

She is SO ADORABLE. Congrats on making it to 3!

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