Thursday, August 20, 2015

Let's see what's going on over at Nextdoor dot com

I think I saw a brown person. What should I do?
Sandra Hofnagel from Volvo Heights

Hi neighbors - I don't want to scare anyone unnecessarily, but I'm 99% sure I just saw a brown person on the sidewalk here in the neighborhood. It looked like he might have been drinking from a can which I suspect was probably "malt liquor" or another kind of crime drink. He was casually glancing at some of the houses on my street which is known as CASING THE JOINT. He also has some kind of backpack which I assume was full of stolen goods.  I didn't call the police but I certainly will if I see another one.  Be careful out there!

Preston thanked Sandra

Skip Teva from Broey Valley
Thanks for the warning, Sandra! I too have seen a brown or dark brown person in the neighborhood but just assumed he was on his way to catch a bus after being released from prison. I didn't think about the possibility that he could be committing brand new crimes! You've opened our eyes. Thanks. Yes, definitely call the police or the army next time.
Please leash your dogs!  
Phil Angina from Cattle Guard
I know that you think you have your dog under "mind control" but as others have said IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO KEEP YOUR DOG ON A LEASH. Just last night an unleashed dog got into my garbage area and made a mess of things.  I managed to snap a picture of the doggie (see below) and if this is your dog YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

Preston thanked Phil

New market in neighborhood "Wall Green's"
Dorothy Smak from Inner Matlock

It looks like they finally got rid of that eyesore cafe with the whipped cream drinks and replaced it with a beautiful new market, "Wall Green's." I couldn't believe all the merchandise and it was so clean! The little Oriental girl who helped me find some new reading glasses was as nice as she could be. There was a man asking for money outside but I don't believe he is affiliated with Wall Green's.  Do yourself a favor and visit Wall Green's.

Preston thanked Dorothy

Free kittens!
Bebe Good from Spackle Hill

Our mama cat Siamese B. Anthony had another litter and we've got 8 adorable cuddly kittens to give away!  Free to a good home!

Preston thanked Bebe

Peacewind Sandpainting from Toggletown
Um, I hope you realize you're perpetuating the patriarchy and the oppression of all living things by suggesting that kittens can be given away like feelings or crystals. ANIMALS ARE NOT PROPERTY. I suggest you place the kittens in a human-free setting after they've been treated for PTSD arising from your horrible attempts to dominate them.
Gerhard Vorschlicter from Mountain Valley
I would like to rent a house soon I spend 2-3 days in the city per month so nothing too expensive but it should be spacious and cleaned regularly also a dining room table and a chair

Suspicious bicycle
Brick Oven from Shanty Creek

There's a bicyle parked in front of my house right now. It's been there for several hours.  If someone doesn't claim it soon I'm going to saw it in half and put the pieces under my neighbor's ugly Scion.

Preston thanked Brick


Stephen said...

Of the many enjoyable portions, I enjoyed "Peacewind Sandpainting" most.

hez said...

This is the most amazing thing you have ever written and I have ever read. EVER. I kind of really like you right now.

TK said...

Stephen - Whew, I thought that might have been too much.

hez - That's very nice, but if you want to read something even better, I suggest a little book called DIANETICS that you might want to check out.

GG said...

The only way you could have possibly made this better is by throwing in a histrionic rant against a new housing proposal that would destroy the "character" of the neighborhood.

lmc said...

Perfect! In my neighborhood they use "sketchy" instead of "brown" but otherwise spot on.

Greg said...

"crime drink" ftw

Unknown said...

I need to know: Is everyone else's NextDoor neighborhood *constantly* involved in battle-threads over Chariot? Or is the Inner Richmond unique in that regard?

inger said...

So much win.

Stoney said...


Rachel said...

So good, TK!
I'm not on nextdoor because I think I'd become afraid/disdainful of the neighbors really, really quickly. Good stuff.

inger said...

I asked my brother if they have NextDoor where he lives. His answer:
"No, we don't have it.
Our racists remain rooted firmly in the 19th Century."

The Sonia Show said...

Inner Matlock FTW.

Jo said...

Perfect! Would be so tempted to post this to my real Next Door Neighbor site... which it seems you might be a member of too! : )

KathleenM said...

Crying laughing. Crime drink, ha ha ha.

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