Thursday, March 26, 2015


Remember how everybody used to smoke?  (Does not apply if you're a millennial; watch Mad Men and you'll get the idea.)  Now hardly anybody smokes.  I even used to smoke and I quit.  One thing that happened is that everybody who smoked died.  Also, people started looking at smoking as gross and nobody wanted to be around it.

By now, you know that almonds take a gallon of water APIECE to grow.  Think about how much water we could save if people stopped eating almonds!  So here's my idea: a massive PR campaign making almond eating as shameful as smoking.

Here's a few I threw together just to get us started.

(Quick note, I haven't registered yet, somebody better get on that before Big Almond swipes it out from under us.)

We'll also need to lobby local governments to set up NO ALMOND ZONES in restaurants and bars.  "Almond consumption only in designated areas," like by the compost bin.

Might take 15-20 years, but we can make almond eating so repulsive and shameful only West Virginians will do it.


Jef Poskanzer said...

Almonds are not trash food, they are delicious and good for you and I love them. But I love showering more. No more almonds.

Rachel said...

But what if I get my almonds from another state, TK? Am I still a terrible person? (I have not bought almonds out of state, yet.)

These are hilarious.

Stephen said...

Rachel - You cannot get almonds from out of state! 100% of the U.S. crop is grown in CA.

In other news, beef is the biggest problem. I think cows must be raised on golf courses:

TK said...

Well, I'm not going to stop eating beef, so maybe just aim for reduction? I'll debut my next campaign,


Leslie K said...

I want almonds to stop masquerading as a health food. A few years ago all of a sudden everyone is all "eat a handful of almonds as a snack" because it's OMGhealthyfats. But I don't think anyone realizes that it's a LOT of fat. At 165 calories/ounce it's damn near the energy density of butter.

This is America. No one is counting out 7 almonds and quitting. You're better off eating a slice of cake than dropping a giant glob of almond butter into your steel cut oats if you're trying to lose weight.

Civic Center said...

In the San Joaquin Valley, where California almonds are grown at a gallon a nut (really? that's pretty amazing), the word is pronounced 'ammins" rather than "awlmunds." You might try to work that into your shaming ads somehow.

Jef Poskanzer said...

My research says 600 gallons per pound of almonds, and I don't think there are 600 almonds in a pound. More like 200. Which would make it three gallons per almond.