Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Bachelorette: You don't need a weatherman to know which way the douche blows

God, these people are loathsome. Why am I watching this? Oh, right, because it's on TV. Last night I tried watching it without drinking, which is basically like having an appendectomy without anesthesia. I guess that's how they used to do it but no thanks.

Speaking of loathsome people, meet Craig McKinnon. He's a volatile psychopath. Like, more than normal.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? He spent basically the whole show bullying the little weatherman guy (who has a "brown belt," he says, and I think he means in the martial arts sense). I don't know what they do in Canada, where this douchelord is from, but this kind of thing stops here around 7th grade. I'm surprised he didn't give the guy a swirly.

You know what? They should insert a criminally insane sociopath into every reality show. Can you imagine, like, John Wayne Gacy on the Real World? The kids would be all like, "John, have you seen Jayson lately? He hasn't been showing up for our volunteer work at the dolphin hospital." And John Wayne Gacy would be all, "Oh, I think he went to live on a farm in the country too, just like Brad and Taylor did." ANYWAY. Evil Craig McKinnon's gone before he has the chance to kill again, so good riddance.

So what else happened this week? OK, first we have a solo date with Frank. Frank obviously has suffered a closed-head injury and should be wearing a helmet like Natalie Portman in "Garden State" because he has the emotional response of a 5-year-old. When Frank finds out they're going for a ride in the car, he goes "WHOOOOOOO!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!" You have to spell out "P-A-R-K" around Frank so he doesn't have a seizure. Frank also obviously have a keen fear of overdressing, so he cannily avoided that evil by wearing what appears to be a souvenir t-shirt that he purchased for $6.99 at T's N Things in Bar Harbor. Oh no, the car breaks down! That's OK. Frank jumps out and goes "WHOOOO!!!! CAR BROKE DOWN YAY!!!!" They go to the Hollywood sign and get some heroin and bliss out or something, I don't know. Then they make out.

Next we have a Group Date with 11 douchebags and the Weatherman. They all go the beach at Malibu. We know it's Malibu because Ali goes "WOOOO!!!! MALIBUUUUU!!!" Maybe whatever Frank has is contagious. Then all the douchebags put on bathing suits and they pose for a Sex Offender Calendar that will be distributed to anyone within 2500 feet of wherever they live. Later, over tiny glasses of iced tea at some place called "h. wood ," KASEY SPEAKS AGAIN. He sounds like Fozzie Bear tonight! WACKA WACKA.

This thing is 2 fucking hours long every week? FUCK. OK, another solo date, this time with Jesse, who's from Peculiar, MO, which is a real place and not an ABC miniseries. Hey, let's all move to Peculiar! We'll buy this 4-bedroom house on 5 acres for $150,000 and start our own Utopia/Rave Cult. If everyone in Peculiar is as SMRT as Jesse, we'll be able to buy the whole town with some shiny beads. ABC flies Ali and Jesse to Vegas in a private plane, where he has an oyster for the first time. It's a good thing they don't let Jesse gamble or he'd lose all his money playing War.

Time to give out the roses. Blah blah blah WHOA WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?

Seriously, was there a lawnmower accident or something they didn't show? Jesus Christ, maybe everybody needs helmets. Whoever the fuck this Human Punching Bag is, he didn't make it. Just as well. Broseph needs immediate medical attention, not a Fantasy Date.

1 comment:

Leah said...

Craig was an odd one for sure. Big jerk. And it worries me that he's in "Dental Sales". I don't know that he should be in an industry where he presumably has access to nitrous oxide. I predict some poor girl's waking up chained to a radiator pipe in his basement in the not-too-distant future.