Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Further advances in border security


ALBUQUERQUE - A Republican candidate for Congress in New Mexico, Tom Mullins, is taking some heat for a comment made recently in a radio interview.

Mullins suggested that placing landmines with warning signs in various languages along the border would help deter illegal immigrants from passing through.

Quote: "We could put land mines along the border. I know it sounds crazy. We could put up signs in 23 different languages if necessary."

Crazy? It's fucking brilliant! Nothing like a shower of dismembered limbs to scare off potential border-crossers. I'm just assuming that the plan also includes a heads-on-sticks element. Don't want to waste the severed heads!

No, if anything, Mullins' plan, like Mullins himself, is too conservative. I have consulted the crack 40goingon28 research team and we have a few other ideas for Tom Mullins' perusal:

1. Overchlorinated moats

Would-be immigrants try swimming across the moat. They quickly get burning in the eyes and a strong and unpleasant odor of chlorine. Their clothes are ruined by being bleached and lightened. Dejected, they give up and swim back to Mexico.

2. Chain of Ike's along entire border

Immigrants think they'll stop for a tasty sandwich at Ike's. Who doesn't love a delicious sandwich? Then they realize it's going to be like a 2-hour wait. Dejected, they head back to Mexico, where there is little or no wait for an enchilada plate.

Immigrants see line, smack forehead, go "Fuck this," head back to Mexico. [Photo: Flickr/kiwi1824]

3. Mandatory Ikea furniture assembly station

Before entering U.S., potential immigrants must assemble Nordlurg bookcase and KuĆ¼rg king-sized bed within 2 hours. Only one Allen wrench is provided. Immigrants quickly discover task is impossible, yell at other members of immigrant family "Just let me see the goddam instructions," and "This isn't piece K! Can you not see this isn't piece K?," become dejected, return to Mexico.

1 comment:

Tamagosan said...

Land mines make me sad. Your post cheered me up. Oh, and there was a group reading of your Bachelorette post here at the office. We're so professional.