Friday, June 4, 2010

My slate of ballot propositions

Film Commission? School Facilities Tax? BOR-ING. Wake me up when these are on the ballot:

PROP 5.2% ABV: Requires that the Giants offer at least one regular-sized beer priced at 5 dollars at AT&T Park. Can be Black Label, PBR, or Red White & Blue, if they still make that. Appropriates funds for a committee to investigate whether Red White & Blue is still being made.

PROP F: Makes it a misdemeanor to remove footwear on Muni or BART, punishable by fines of up to $500 and a requirement that the violator wear penny loafers the rest of the week. Flip-flops restricted to the Marina and Cow Hollow. Those found wearing flip-flops outside of those areas are issued visors and returned to Balboa Cafe.

PROP S: Each resident receives a free shot of their choice on their birthday. If he or she does not drink the shot, he or she must buy shots for everyone else within a 10-foot radius.

PROP W: No whining.

PROP B: All panhandlers must have a skill, such as singing or doing a magic trick. Having a clever sign is not a "skill." If a panhandler chooses to sing, they have to mix up the songs and not sing the same one every time, like those 3 guys in the BART stations who have been singing the exact same song for like 8 years now. No juggling.

PROP E: No small talk on elevators.

PROP E-2: For the LAST FUCKING TIME, it is STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT on the fucking escalator. First offense results in being thrown down the escalator. Second offense is death. If the offender isn't dead already from being thrown down the escalator the first time. This includes you, grandma, so heads up and look alive. If you're too grizzled to hoof it up to 24th Street, stand on the fucking right side. Seriously people.

PROP F: Every other Friday off.


idrumgood said...

Prop E-2 gets my full support. In fact, I'm just going to start enforcing it.

Solar Taylen said...

awesome. i support all of them, especially E-2. also, i see those guys every morning at montgomery. while they have some talent, hearing Down by the Riverside every morning for the past year and a half has caused me to bust into fits of rage when i hear it in other settings...excellent list!

Tamagosan said...

And I just write in "40 going on 28" for Lieutenant Governor?

TK said...

Actually, Lt. Gov. sounds just about perfect for me. Pretty good money, no one gives a shit if you spend 7 hours a day on the Internet, and I bet you get a driver.

Srsly, you never see a 4-star general grab a red phone and go "GET ME THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR!!!"

Rocco said...

my addition is 'prop fuck you:' no walking 3 abreast on the sidewalk, thusly trapping others behind you while you mindlessly meander. ugh.