Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Bachelorette: Istanbullshit

Hey look everybody, we’re in Istanbul! Ali didn’t realize that 2 million people lived here. Or that Turkey existed! We’re starting off with a bang this week. You know when Ali says “I don’t think anything could go wrong at this point” that SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY GOING WRONG. They should have spliced in the Dramatic Chipmunk right after she said that.

Chris Harrison comes by and says he’s got some bad news. Not everyone is Here for the Right Reasons! Here, talk to this chick “Jessie” on the phone. Jessie lives in Toronto and lounges around in a candlelit house. She has some bad news. The Entertainment Wrestler has a girlfriend! AND SHE’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! GET OUT, ALI!!! Oh, wait, she’s right here. Her name is Jessica. Don’t they have any other names in Canada? Anyway, Jessica is one of EW’s gfs. He’s got 2! Wow, who knew that Entertainment Wrestling was such a chick magnet? He’s not there to find True Love, but to enhance his entertainment wrestling career. Mission Accomplished, EW! Now you’ll always be known as that Tool Who Went on the Bachelorette!

Anyway, Ali calls a meeting and confronts EW. He promptly gets up and flees. Too bad Kasey’s not there to protect and guard her heart! Oh no, EW’s trapped on the hotel grounds! Quick, go through the fountain! Ali will lose your scent and won’t be able to track you! Then he comes back to offer some lame excuse. Then stalks off again. This time, into the hotel! EW is the Worst Stormer Offer in history! Anyway, good riddance. Back at the Douche Suite, everyone’s mad at EW. Except for Frank, who appears to be thoughtfully considering the situation. FORESHADOWING.

OK, back to business. Solo date with Ty. Nice choices with the silver-tipped cowboy boots and baby-head-sized gold medallion, Ty! Ali correctly identifies the Hagia Sophia. Disappointingly, she doesn’t yell “HAGIA SOPHIA!!!! WHOOOOO!!!” They go get in a 300-year-old hot tub. Ew. Look, Ty’s already got a nasty growth from the 300-year-old bacteria.

Now we’re at a lovely al fresco dinner. Girl, you gotta do something about those roots. ABC’s hair budget must be like a nickel. Ty’s talking about his divorce. It’s exactly as interesting as anyone talking about their divorce, which is to say it’s painfully boring. Oh look, there just happen to be some colorful street musicians here for some completely spontaneous dancing! That happens here in SF too, except the street musicians charge you $5 to look at them.

Now we have a Group Date. When you think Very Very Heterosexual Activities you’d like to do on a date with a Girl, what comes to mind? Oil Wrestling with a Large and Unibrowed Turkish Man? Then you’re gay. Oh, no, wait, you’re on the Bachelorette. Everyone gets good and greased up and gets a good old-fashioned Heterosexual Grappling from some Turks and then from one another. Fivehead wins. He says winning at All-Male Oil Wrestling is “better than winning a big kiss.” I see some holes in your game, Craig. He wins a Solo Dinner with Ali and spends most of the time talking about Oil Wrestling. I was getting a date-rapey vibe from him, but maybe only for guys. Man, is he ugly.

Solo Date with Frank next. He says “We’re in Turkey.” That’s good, Frank! Now, how many fingers am I holding up? Just one. They do some shopping at the Spice Bazaar where they get into all kinds of krazy hijinx and Frank buys a rug. Their life together will be one big slapstick comedy! Now it’s time for dinner in the underground sewer system or something. To get their food, they have to wade through some standing water and God knows what else. This is the oddest place for a date ABC has picked yet. Next week, we’ll set up a table in the janitor’s closet of a box factory!

We are now limping towards the end. In a vain attempt to create some kind of drama out of this week’s episode of the Watching Paint Dry Show, Ali decrees that there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony!!! The guys all react like they just found out that Joey Bishop killed Kennedy or that Two and a Half Men has been cancelled. Anyway, Fivehead gets cut. No surprise there. Hopefully the producers gave him a Consolation Oil Wrestling Match.

Next Week: Some brightly-colored European tourist trap. Lisbon, maybe? I don’t know.

1 comment:

Tamagosan said...

Confession Time: Last night, I happened to turn on the TV while The Bachelorette happened to be on. Happened to be! I was in the La-Z-Boy, but doing some work on my computer. Eating pizza, but homemade. Not sure how I'm scoring here.

I instantly realized that THIS IS THE SHOW THAT I HAVE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT! And by "so much", I mean once a week on one (albeit one awesome) blog. So then I deemed the whole thing research. I mean I was using a computer to do my translation work, and I read the blog on the computer... N-E-WEYZZZ!

It was all you'd hyped it up to be and more! I was pleasantly surprised by the poor lighting and too-close facial pans. I just might have to watch next week. For research...