Friday, June 11, 2010

The World Cup, explained for Americans

Soccer is a game in which a bunch of guys kick a ball around aimlessly for about an hour and a half. Sometimes, but not very often, it goes into a net and then someone takes his shirt off. This is called a "goal" and is to be avoided whenever possible. Soccer games usually end in scores like 1-0 or 2-1, although a 0-0 tie is the best.

Soccer is very popular in socialist countries like France and Japan because you don't win very often and the game is all about passing the ball to someone else - i.e., transferring wealth from those who have it to those who don't. Plus, people fake injuries a lot and fall down, just like they will when Obamacare takes over and everyone gets all kinds of free health care they don't need. Plus, it's boring, and anywhere that's not America is boring.

Every few years, all the countries in the world call home their players from Chelsea and Man U and form national teams. Then they have a big tournament called the World Cup. Predictably enough, it's not straightforward like March Madness. Instead, you can play like 3 games before you get eliminated. Stupid. Oh, and little bullshit countries like Paraguay win all the time. Germany's really good, which figures, since they make BMWs and fascism there. Brazil's really good, too, which also makes sense because Brazil is socialist too and no one has to work and they can spend all day playing soccer instead of working. France cheats. Shocker, I know.

San Francisco is full of foreigners and socialists, so everybody here pretends to like soccer.

See, they'll even stand in front of City Hall and pretend to watch France and something called a "Uruguay" play soccer on a big TV that's far away. They're really thinking about drugs and how much they hate God.

So everybody plays a lot of these games and the US usually doesn't do very well and that's about it. Football season starts in like 2 1/2 months, thank God.


Tamagosan said...

Just came from Civic Center and I gotta say it was indeed a lot different than just 4 years ago in a less magnificent plaza in France. Namely, less people were drunk, although some were contributing more than their share. For the cause.

But YEAH so maybe Les Bleus will pull it together to score one of these days. Like, I dunno, how about next Thurs against Mexico. A bit odd being in the minority as a France fan, but I will probably just keep to myself next Thursday to be on the safe side.

Still killer than it's possible to watch the games, and nice to be around an international crowd...

TK said...

As might be evident, I was just down there myself and I didn't see anyone drunk! Not even me.

For drunk sports-related crowds, nothing comes close to the streets of Limerick after Munster won the Heineken Cup. Maybe the most people the drunkest I've ever seen in one place.

The G├╝ero said...

I still like the World Cup but this was still a very funny post!

Theresa said...
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Erik said...

Thank for you for breaking it down so eloquently. The Awesome is strong here. And I really needed the laugh this morning too!

mariazawa said...

Wow, I actually popped on the internet today looking for info on leadership styles but wound up here instead, and I'm glad I did!