The Bachelorette: Iceland Is Cold, and I Don't Feel So Good Myself

Iceland used to be best known for Leif Erikson and Bjork, but these days it’s better-known for volcanism and financial collapse. That makes it perfect for our next stop! I don’t know why; I can’t finish this analogy. I’m still kind of sick. Before we go on, I got a shot of Kasey’s Protect and Guard Your Heart brand tattoo:


Ugh, what a fucking mess. It looks like some cabbage and a bad bruise.

After our oblig establishing shots of Iceland and Ali in a fur hat, it’s time for a challenge: the guys will write love poems to her, and are told to incorporate some Icelandic in them. God, they just find new ways to make this show more painful every week. Next week, maybe we’ll have slam poetry or acoustic Gloria Estefan covers. Anyway, the Entertainment Wrestler tries stopping random Icelanders in the street, which proves unsuccessful, unless the phrase he wants to use is “Get the fuck out of my face.” Ali appears and screams “ICELAAAAAAND!!,” of course. If we ever get somewhere and she doesn’t yell out the name of where we are I’m going to be pissed. The poems are just as miserable and depressing as you might imagine. Frank’s poem is about his ex! I thought chicks didn’t like that!?! Pls. advise ASAP. Kirk wins and gets a solo date.

Off they go traipsing through Reykjavik. Hey, what did ABC do with all the Icelanders? There’s like nobody on the streets. It looks like San Jose. They go clothes shopping. ABC needs to buy Ali some new hair, because they obviously went for the bargain extensions. They buy matching sweaters! That seems about right. Then it’s off to lunch, where Kirk will now tell us about his Secret and Disturbing History.

It seems that some five years ago, Kirk was a Star Athlete (8th best at the 1500, if you must know), when he moved into a Rented House of Horrors. He began developing odd symptoms like he couldn’t lift his arms up and the left side of his body was numb and he bled from the eyes and it sounds like a pretty normal Friday night to me but not even 40 doctors could find out what was wrong! Then a ghostly spirit appeared and told him to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Not, not really. What really happened was that the house was contaminated. Oh no, that’s an Asbes-don’t! It was full of mold and whatever and with some “alternative medicine” he finally got better. This story is SO BORING. Ali is struggling to stay awake. Ugh, Kirk is so full of mold now he’s like an old loaf of bread you forgot about at the back of the pantry. Oh no, Ali, don’t kiss that! Gross! Now you’ll get the Molds too. That was the least inspiring story of Overcoming Adversity I’ve ever heard.

Hey look, it’s a Group Date! We’re going horseback riding. Or something riding. What are those little things? They’re like dog-sized horses. Good thing Ty knows how to wrangle them! Oh, look, they’re being lowered into a pit in the Earth! I like where this is going! Where are the cement trucks?

Then we’re off to the Blue Lagoon, which is not a pedophilia-themed amusement park but a hot springs. It’s supposed to have healing properties. Maybe it can heal her hair. She makes out with some guys and tells Frank he’s not trying hard enough. I just think he ran out of meth on like Day 3.

Now we have a threesome date with The Entertainment Wrestler and Kasey the Frog Prince. They fly to the volcano that is (WARNING FORESHADOWING) going to fuck up Europe’s travel plans real bad and land and walk around and the EW says this “feels like a wrestling match.” I guess he’s going to pay Kasey $50 to hit him with a folding chair. Time for the big tattoo reveal! Ali says “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal.” WHOOPS!!! That’s not really his thing, Ali. He shows her the tattoo. She has the same face you get when someone with a knife is telling you that the CIA is following them. She cuts Kasey! There is some chick in Clovis right now who is going to get the shit protected and guarded out of her. EW and Ali get in the helicopter and leave Kasey on the glacier to die.


Getting close to the end now. Bear with me, but you should know this is more painful for me than it is for you. We have the usual Pre-Rose-Ceremony chats. There’s the Mystery Guy again! Seriously, does he just appear at the end of every episode! Wow, he’s got the personality of an ottoman. She asks him what his guilty pleasure is and he says “Mexican food.” That’s funny, my guilty pleasures are dry cleaning and FM radio!

Now Chris talks to her. Wow, Chris is going all psychiatrist on her! “You’re afraid to fall in love! What are you so afraid of?” Ali looks a little taken aback! I don’t feel so good myself! “Are you afraid they’ll betray you like your father did? Like every man in your life has???!!!?” She’s going to need some Cymbalta! I can tell from the ads. Too bad about the Yellow Eyes and Skin you get from taking it!

Mystery Man gets cut. No surprise there. Next week, Issinbull. At least that’s what Ali keeps calling it. We’ll find out together, I guess.