Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Bachelorette: Entertainment Wrestling is my bag

As we collectively trudge through Week 3, a pall has descended on the Douche Barracks, for it seems that one of their number is Not There for the Right Reasons. The Right Reasons are apparently to appear on TV, try to bang a chick you saw on another TV show, and hopefully get married after about 3 dates. The Wrong Reasons are to benefit your “entertainment wrestling” career. More on this later.

Our first Solo Date tonight is with Roberto, an affable insurance salesman from Charleston. They do exactly what I did on my first date with The Wife, which is to walk on a high wire between two buildings in Downtown L.A. Oh no, wait, our first date was shoplifting 3 cans of Sparks and trying hit pigeons with a slingshot. Same idea, though. After their circus act, they have an intimate dinner on top of a skyscraper. Roberto is dressed like a homeless person who found a suit in the dumpster behind Ross. Amazingly, Roberto can speak Spanish! Ali is awestruck at this development. Who on Earth speaks Spanish!?!?? Amazing. He speaks a “little French and Italian,” too! What are you, from Outer Space? Then they make out.

Time for a Group Date! They get the hint it's going to involve some kind of the Rock And Roll Music like the Kids Like. Deaf Voice Kasey is bummed he's not invited because he "would have loved to go and sing and show Ali my voice a little bit." Believe me, Kasey, the only person who wants to see your voice a little bit is a Demon from the Pits of Hell.

They arrive in some Industrial Wasteland part of L.A. and there’s the Barenaked Ladies! I guess they live under an overpass now. This is some kind of product placement aimed at the Barenaked Ladies’ target audience, which is nobody. They play a new song! Wow, it’s terrible. It’s like if you could put the Goo Goo Dolls in a mchine and make them even worse than they are now. The Barenaked Ladies would be well-advised not to quit their jobs at the car wash. Now look! Ali and the guys are shooting a porno! Oh, wait, it’s a “music video.” The production values aren’t as good as porn. When it comes time for the Weatherman’s scene, he cries because he’s scared to kiss a girl. He’s either Gay or should become Gay. I heard they don’t mind crying in Gay.

Now we’re at a Wrap Party for the video, which also takes place on top of a skyscraper in L.A. I guess they rented this roof and want to get all the use out of it they can. Dead Mother and Ali sit down and he finally comes clean about his dead mother. Oh, look, he’s got her signature tattooed on his chest! I need new words for “CREEPY,” because “CREEPY” alone doesn’t really capture how creepy it is. He also keeps her head in a box! It’s all dried up and shriveled. No, not really, but that’s the only thing that could be any creepier. Then everyone gets in the pool and they all watch the godawful music video. Oh, to have a hairdryer right at that second.

Then it’s daylight again and the Entertainment Wrestler, who has a broken foot from Kicking Ass, I guess, is crutching from Douche Barracks down to Ali’s house. That’s cheating! She’s staying in some faux-Architectual Digest flagstone nightmare. They look at his baby pictures and talk about his Broken Home. Nobody who had a normal childhood would ever be on this show is what I gather. Also, isn’t it weird that he’s described as an “entertainment wrestler”? That means “bachelorette party wrestler,” right?

Jesus, it’s still going on. I always forget it’s 2 hours. OK, solo date with Hunter, who looks vaguely simian. They go to Ali’s House and grill preformed hamburger patties. Another broken home! Ali looks alarmed when Hunter talks about his desire to stay home and not work. That’s what the girl’s supposed to do! What’s wrong with these guys? Wait, this is the first time anyone has appeared on this show not clutching some kind of booze. What gives? Maybe Hunter’s an AA. Anyway, there’s clearly no romantic connection here. They’d be good awkward coworkers, though. Hunter makes a frown with his monkey face and he gets sent home.

Now we see the Big Confrontation between all the guys who are clearly here for the Right Reaons and the Entertainment Wrestler, who’s apparently not. Strong words are exchanged. It’s boring as fuck and not worth talking about. Then some losers are kicked off, including the little guy with the bug eyes who I couldn’t believe was there in the first place. She keeps Wrestler Guy and the Weatherman, who almost starts crying again. How long is that Philly Lawyer with the Fivehead going to be around? He’s less attractive then, well, anybody you might find in the world. Stay tuned next week for more boring crap.

4 comments:

Tamagosan said...

Remind me to have you write my next summary report for work. They would love it. At least I would.

Scott said...

Damn you. First with the so-not-gay Jake, and now with our own local-girl-makes-out — er, makes good... I'm hooked on the Bachelor(ette), just so I can be prepared for your wickedly insightful analyses.

Thanks, I think.

TK said...

Thanks, guys! As of now, I'm not accepting contract work, but if you'd like me to come to, like, your birthday party or something and then write a sarcastic review of it and make fun of all your friends, we could probably work something out. Because I pretty much do that in personal emails every day anyway.

Tamagosan said...

I cannot imagine being sarcastic in personal e-mail! Or anywhere on the internet for that matter! What's a birthday party?