SAN FRANCISCO – Now, the San Francisco Giants have a talented team.
And they play in an amazing, beautiful stadium in an unbelievable setting near San Francisco Bay. It’s breathtaking.
But there is no way the Detroit Tigers can lose to these guys. They would never live it down.
First of all, the Giants have a Build-A-Bear Workshop in the stands behind leftfield at AT&T Park. Seriously. How the heck can you lose to a team where the fans can go to a game and stuff a teddy bear and then buy a cute little outfit?
Can you imagine that in Detroit?
We’d run them out of town, just because it sounds so wimpy.
And then they have a giant slide, which looks like a McDonald’s play station on steroids.
Yeah, the Tigers have a carousel. But carousels are cool.
Wait, what? The Tigers have a carousel in the stadium and you're throwing shade on the Build-A-Bear Workshop? Are you fucking kidding me? Carousels are so wimpy there's a musical called "Carousel."
We also have the inevitable complaints about the concessions.
AT&T Park isn’t a baseball stadium. It’s an exotic food court that happens to have a baseball field.
Few San Francisco fans would ever lower themselves to eating a beer and a brat. Or even a coney.
They sit there -- decked out in orange and black, waving orange towels -- watching their Giants while eating garlic fries, crab sandwiches on grilled sourdough bread, clam chowder, fried calamari, sweet potato fries with cinnamon and chipotle sprinkle, and clove garlic chicken sandwiches.
Others can be found drinking margaritas, Irish coffee and an assortment of wines.
Meanwhile, the Big Cat Food Court at Comerica Park features a frozen daiquiri stand, because nothing says "baseball" like frozen daiquiris. How about veggie teriyaki from the Asian Tiger stand in the food court, Jeff? Is that a challenge to your masculinity, too?
(I also note that, of course, there is a selection of wine available as well.)
The last thing I want to do is to get into a pissing match with some idiot from Detroit. The problem isn't the hack-y attempt to call Giants fans weak; it's that the lame-ass fucking story has already been done to death. Jeff's editor should dock his pay for turning in shit like this. It's like going to Detroit and using the terms "bombed-out", "abandoned", "Beirut-like", "savage hellhole", or "pale shadow of its former self, robbed of all dignity and pride". We've seen that story before. Try writing about the game or something.
(And, in all fairness, when Scott Ostler files his inevitable slice-of-Detroit-stereotype story for the Chronicle, I'll make fun of him too.)
[UPDATE: I guess I'm a hack, too, since everyone in the Bay Area is teeing off on this article also. The SFWeekly article even has the advantage of sounding JUST LIKE MINE! Sorry.]