Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Bachelor: Tierra del Fuego

BOOM with that headline.  See what I did there?

So it appears the Montana Tourism Board or whatever has ponied up because we're off to Big Sky Country which admittedly does look nice and it's a shame it's wasted on these idiots.  First Solo Date is with Drunk Lindsay, who I kinda love.  It appears to be morning but Linzshy may already have been hittin' the bottle, based on her first question of the day.

No, Linds, it's a Vertical Powered Drinks Elevator!  CLIMB ON IT AND LET'S GET SCHWAAASTED.  As if the White Man hasn't visited enough indignities on the Native Peoples, we're off to the Blackfeet Reservation for a picnic at which nothing happens and then YOINK commercial and then POW it's nighttime and Big Dumb Sean is toasting the "incredible" day they had and I guess that part was edited out.  Time for Lindsay, who is only at about half-slur, to talk about her childhood and here it comes ABSENT DADDY was off in the War and that's why we're so clingy and Blood Alcohol Content-y.  She gets a rose and then we stroll into Downtown Whitefish for a concert by Wendy Darling or something and the Happy Couple can dance on an elevated platform above the massed citizenry of Whitefish.  How come it's always country?  Why can't we ever have scenes of the happy couple dancing to dubstep or witch house?

Group date.  Apparently Arabic is in a turban of some kind and looks like LADY GINA - ALL QUESTIONS ANSWERED - PAST PRESENT FUTURE - or maybe Joan Crawford in "Mommie Dearest."

I don't have a picture of Selma's headdress so just use your imagination.

The gals are headed out for some Outdoor Activities and there are some goats imprisoned in crude wooden devices and shit's about to go DOWN and one of the pack goes "Oh my goodness are those dogs?"  That really happened.  I rewound it 4 times to make sure.  I hope to fuck someone just said "Yes" and let it go so whoever it was can tell the story of how she milked a dog for the rest of her life.  ANYWAY, this turns into one of those bullshit team competitions with canoes and moving hay from place to another and then goat milking and then Desiree chugging a jar of goat milk and then VOMITING SPECTACULARLY right into Daniella's weave oh no wait that last part didn't happen.  I mean, the chugging did but not the vomiting.  Des takes her goat juice like a champ.  In fact, S. says "You took it like a champ."  I'm just leaving that here.

So at night we're in some bar or restaurant and the winners get to spend the eve with S. except he feels bad and INVITES ALL THE LOSERS TO COME TOO.  What the fuck is the point of having a competition then?  Desiree looks stricken, because she just poured a quart of raw unpasteurized warm goat fluid down her throat FOR NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL.  Selma and her turban are fucking FURIOUS.  I'm with you, girl!  Let's put on our suicide vests together, my Desert Flower, and blow this thing straight to hell.  Oh here comes Tierra too.  She wasn't even on this date but here she comes sneaking up on S while he's trying to do his interviews.  Do you really want to marry this stalker bitch?  Like what happens when you go to Bowling Night?  She's gonna pop up behind the ball rack or be watching from the parking lot, slowly plunging a knife into the seat and repeating "You are mine, my dear. Come back to Mommy."  Meanwhile, back at the bar, it's Daniella's turn to get all weepy and insecure and naturally this gets her a rose.

OK, 2 on 1 date with Tierra and Jackie and let's not kid ourselves, there is NO FUCKING WAY Jackie is going to be the winner here.  The producers obviously love the fuck out of Tierra because she's a nutbar.  Anyway, we start with some horseback riding or whatever and then J. gets Sean alone and tells him some story about Tierra flirting with someone in an airport? Or something? This is supposed to have some effect, I guess?  Here's a tip, Jacks, skip the story about Tierra being nice to the skycap and maybe focus on her OBVIOUS PERSONALITY DISORDER.  Later after dinner it's time for Tierra to tell her story.  Oh, OK, I see now.  She was with some guy who was in and out of rehab and then died.  Or else he tried to go to the movies without her once!  I would take a good look at that autopsy.  Anyway, Jackie, we hardly knew ye.  You have just become Tierra's Next Victim.

C-Party.  Oh fuck, we have to do this 2 nights in a row.  That's just starting to sink in.  Anyway, Des has finally figured out the way to stick around is to act crazy and desperate, so she gives that a shot but then kinda fucks it up by talking smack about Tierra.  Oh, right on cue, Tierra is in mid-tirade when Sean just happens to walk by, nudge nudge, as she's in the midst of a complicated metaphor in which she is the scorpion and everyone else is a shoe to hide in or something I didn't catch the end.  Anyway, S. tries to get the dirt on the T-Monster but all Lesley can manage is that she's cold and unfriendly.  That should do it, great job girls.

Finally we get to the fucking rose ceremony.  Who are our lucky winners this week?  Apparently Arabic, Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine, Chipmunk Cheeks, AdopTee, One Arm, and Katie Holmes.  Sorry, Other Black Girl, your time has come.

NEXT WEEK:  Next week is fucking TONIGHT.  Ugh, for fuck's sake.  Why do you do this to me, ABC?  Fuck you.


Stephen said...

Jess notes that Sean appears to have a crying fetish. Tears are the moist keys to his boner.

Anonymous said...

For the record, I never used the words "tears are the moist keys to his boner." Sick.

I like how Drunk Lindsay basically came right out and admitted that she's looking for someone to fill the empty space her absent daddy left in her and Sean is like, Okay, sure.

GG said...

So did they even try to pretend that the milking "challenge" wasn't a way to see who is best at handjobs and... guzzling down large amounts of warm, white body fluids?

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