Wednesday, February 20, 2013

NEWCOMERS THREATEN TOWN


NEWCOMERS THREATEN TOWN!

WILL DESTROY SAN FRANCISCO WITH THEIR "TELEGRAPHS" AND "INDOOR PLUMBING!"

Friends, our Way of Life in pleasant San Francisco is under siege from a wave of NE'ER-DO-WELLS, WHIPPERSNAPPERS and DANDIES who have never laid eyes on a gold pan or sluiced a river or skinned a beaver JUST FOR FUN.  I am sad to report they are INVADING OUR TOWN in waves with their newfangled TELEGRAPHY MACHINES and WRIST-WATCHES.

It used to be a man could buy a perfectly good mud-brick cabin with PANO VUs on the side of Russky Hill for ten dollars.  NO MORE.  Respectable cobblers, drapers, and whores are being driven from their homes by these VARMINTS who will pay TWELVE OR THIRTEEN DOLLARS for a shanty.

Why, I've lived in this here town for over SIX YEARS ever since I sailed around the Horn and I'm sad to report I've seen it change from a place of DANGER and OPEN FLAME and TURPENTINE-LACED CREEK WHISKY to a FANCYMAN'S BALL what with their NON-ROTTEN MEAT and their CLEAR DRINKING WATER.  We risk losing the character that made us great!

Gentrification claims another neighborhood!!


My neighbor, SALINAS SAM, is a perfect example of this type of tomfoolery.  He's lived in my neighborhood of BLOOD CAKE HEIGHTS ever since he killed three Spainards for the land.  And now some MISSOURI STEAMBOATER who's never even DUG HIS OWN WELL or TORTURED A CAT TO DEATH plans to buy the land right out from under him!  An OUTRAGE.  Now Salinas Sam is going to have to move to THE MARINA.  He like to kill himself!

Friends, we must have SENSIBLE CONTROLS on growth and also KEEP OUT anyone who might change our way of life.  KEEPING SAN FRANCISCO EXACTLY THE SAME DEPENDS ON IT.  I propose HANGING ANY NEWCOMERS AT DAWN and also keeping the Chinese in Chinatown, that goes without saying.

11 comments:

Stoney said...

Well done!

thesoniashow said...

Amazing.

GG said...

I think the preferred nomenclature is "Chinamen."

burritojustice.com said...

Slow clap, sir. Slow clap. Everyone stop typing -- TK wins the Internet today.

Brad Thompson said...

This is absolutely brilliant. I will place my order for a Barbary Italic t-shirt RIGHT NOW.

Stephen said...

+1 I would propagate this if I had any juice at all.

KBN said...

What Bjustice said.

towski said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anadromy said...

Meh. Burrito Justice, I adore you, and 40 going on 28 I have always been a fan as well, but this is lowwwwwwwww hanging fruit. Picking on the Bold Italic is kind of cruel, no? Then again, can I has some of that sweet USA Today cash? I hate me some hipsters too!!

Tamagosan said...

I heard that SALINAS SAM was going to just rent his land to the MISSOURI STEAMBOATER, charge exorbitant rent while still paying the same property tax, and open up a cat sanctuary in the Foothills.

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