You want to know what dedication is? After a cross-country flight, one leg of which was spent next to an empty-plastic-water-bottle-crinkler (YOU, SIR, NEED TO BE PUT IN A HOME), I kissed my loving and pregnant wife and then parked myself in front of our TV with a vodka and a sense of resignation so I could bring you, my Loyal Readers, your Bachelor recap. And you never write or call. NEVER. That's fine.
What are we doing here, Thailand? Thailand. Thailand looks beautiful. Let's start out with Sean back in his trusty aqua tank and Wayfarers and have some time-killing recaps of each of the Final Three, complete with a highlight reel and mindless platitudes about each unlucky contestant. (Example: AshLee has "one of the biggest hearts I've ever come across." She should get that looked at, probably.) First date is with Drunk Lindsay. They hop into some sort of motorized hut (DL: "Amazing") and they're off to the Exotic Sea Cow Market to see some HOLY FUCK WHY ARE THOSE BABY CHICKS DYED NEON COLORS and eat some bugs. My first impression of Thailand is that it would be a VERY BAD PLACE to take acid. Then it's time to head on over to Monkey Beach and feed some monkeys and frolic in the surf or whatever. Outdoor Dinner in front of "traditional Thai floats" and Linds is all "I felt like I was in Heaven" and maybe Heaven really is Disney World on Peyote, just like I'd hoped!
Here comes the invite to the Fantasy Suite. You know Linds is down. Fuck, finally some goddam booze, that's what she's thinking. They bust out some champagne and L giggles a lot and says "I love you" in a creepy baby voice and this somehow unlocks an achievement and she can now go on to the next level. FUCKING WEIRD.
NEXT! AdopTee. Girl looks pretty good in her fishnet-over-tank-top ensemble. S needs to challenge her, he says, so we're going swimming in a cave? That's the challenge? How about playing Hide the Parents or Who's Got My DNA? That would be a challenge. Anyway, after a talk about her abandonment issues AGAIN, they're off to swim in a cave. She's "absolutely terrified" even though they have fucking FLOATIES and flashlights and a goddam CAMERA CREW. Eeek! A sudden noise is freaking her out! It's probably the sound guy's pager. Jesus Christ, girl, I've had scarier experiences at the Foods Co on Folsom. Somehow they live through this 2-minute ordeal and make it to a beach on the other side of the cave. This experience has been "life changing." Wait until you have to change a tire or make a dental appointment! You will advance to the Next Plane of Existence.
Somehow they escape from Life Change Atoll and make it to Outdoor Dinner and AshLee is gettin' all sassy what with her Gypset necklace and her engagement ring talk. HOLD UP GIRL. Fantasy Suite first. She's pretty clear that she's not going to be throwing down in any Fantasy Suite. That's cool, though, Sean just wants to stay up all night and TALK. I guess the FS comes with an 8-ball in Thailand.
Finally, it's Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine. Thailand can be rough on a girl's hair, as we see. Following another boat trip (Side Note: Everyone in the world, you can now stop standing on the prow and yelling I'M THE WHATEVER OF THE WORLD. I give you permission to stop doing this. Titanic came out in 1997. It's over.), Cath says she's down for moving to Dallas, as "I'm pretty expired in terms of Seattle." I love her pidgin dialect! Semi-outdoor deck dinner. Sean apparently thinks he's interviewing her for that position in Sales because he wants us to know she has "exceeded his expectations" and asks her where she sees herself in five years. Not flattened by a tree, I promise you that! That's a good goal. Then she launches into a whole thing about how she's not gonna slut up the Fantasy Suite but you know she'd be on that thing like a Monkey Beach monkey on a handful of dates. "Being intimate tonight is really important," she says. HA! I KNEW it. Tough shit for you, though, because I don't think homeboy is down.
Time for a sit down with Chris Harrison. S knows who's getting das boot! She's "sweet and full of love." Maybe it's my Dad's dog! Oh wait, we have private video messages. Linds only slurs a little. Cath calls him a "mega-hunk," and thinking about him gives her "the wiggles." The fuck. AdopTee weeps throughout the whole thing and I don't care, that chick is a basket case who needs Immediate Medical Attention.
Let's do this thing. Yay, Drunk Lindsay makes the Final Two! OK, long suspenseful pause and....it's Cath! Somebody take away AdopTee's sharp instruments. Good job, Sean! You just abandoned her again. Anyway, she walks off the set and she is one Pissed Off Hot Mess. Into the Crying SUV and she is basically plotting his death.
NEXT WEEK: That fucking Women Tell All special. That is always a 100% snooze. I may skip that this year. I bet Tierra doesn't even show. Speaking of, I heard she got engaged! Didn't take that bitch long to find a healthy host to attach herself to.