Friday, February 15, 2013

31 Weeks

Congratulations!  Your baby is now roughly the size and shape of the Chachapoyan Fertility Idol from "Raiders of the Lost Ark"!

By now, baby has a favorite member of One Direction and can already resent you!  Perhaps you've noticed other changes, such as the feeling that THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END and WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU ASSHOLE.

Have you finished your Birth Plan?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE A BIRTH PLAN!?  You're already a terrible parent.  What do you think, babies just plop out and that's it?  How are you supposed to have a baby without a Birth Plan?

Have you gone to a lot of classes?  SIGN UP FOR SOME MOTHERFUCKING CLASSES ALREADY.  Jesus, you're like a child yourself.  Do we have to hold your hand through this whole thing?

You're probably wondering now what your baby's name will be.  It will probably by Rylynn or Kannadi or Smayden or Brixx.  Hard to tell until you get it from the Central Name Registry.  It usually comes in around Week 35.  Get ready!


GG said...

PRO TIP: If you wait until after the baby is born to take the Infant CPR classes, YOU ARE HORRIBLE PARENTS WHO DON'T CARE IF YOUR BABY DIES. (Source: My friends who carelessly let their baby live moments from potential disaster for WEEKS before taking the class.)

P.S. Here are some names you might want to consider. I think "Joshitha" has a beautiful ring to it:

Anonymous said...

As someone who wasted a Saturday in a birthing class, let me tell you that you don't need to attend a birthing class.

Also, STFU, Parents has a running list of "yoonique" baby names that you might enjoy.

TK said...

Thanks, guys. I am a huge fan of Awful Baby Name lists. Did you see this? I stole Rylynn from that. But "Balei" might be my favorite, especially if you're going for that Nineveh Bull God vibe.

Anonymous said...

There are no words.

GG said...

In some countries you have to get government approval for a baby's name. They might be on to something.

Anonymous said...

Stay on target. passing through the magnetic field.

Hey, have you reserved your small human's Twitter handle yet? Maybe @31weekagoingon14hourslabor?

Tamagosan said...

I don't see the need for much Birth Planning beyond the obvious champagne for Mom. Or is that just OK in France? (They do have the name-approval system there, too, but clearly with different metrics since I used to have a few Osamas in every elementary school class I taught.)

I have two good friends who are L&D nurses and believe me, they like as little planning as possible, since they have their own plan, which is Get a Healthy Baby Out of Mom.

As for the classes, obviously you should attend for your loyal readers.

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