The Bachelor: Hot, Gross, and Thirsty

"Ya'll been in a seaplane before?" is the first thing we hear descending over St. Croix and no, Sean, we most certainly have not been in a seaplane before.  Let's get our Solo Date with AdopTee on, who Tierra labels a "cougar" because she's 32!  Well, I never!  First of all, 32 is NOT THAT OLD and second, I don't remember what second is because I'm old.  Anyway, they manage to get about 10 minutes into the date before Adopt brings up her abandonment issues and they swim out to a boat and then hit the beach and talk about.....Tierra!  Perfect.  Then the classic Making Out in the Surf and I hope she has cleared this whole thing with her team of psychiatrists.  For the Night Portion, we are having Outdoor Dinner By The Sea and AdopTee has a secret!  Guess what?  She got married at 17!  And then divorced, we assume, although she doesn't bring that up.  Oh, BFD, sweetie, who hasn't had a regrettable HS marriage?  Then for some reason she stands on a chair and yells "Ï LOVE SEAN" and ok, ok, please get down off the chair now.

Solo Date with Tierra. Strolling around St. Croix, Tierra is "Hot, Gross, and Thirsty," which is never mind I don't even want to get into it.  Following a totally impromptu and not staged by ABC at all Local Color Parade, they relax and talk about why Tierra can't get along with anyone! Nothing really comes of it.  Night Dinner is in the ruins of a sugar mill that is 100% haunted and T announces that she is "falling in love with him" and he will certainly "take that into consideration"!  The romance is strong here!  Fuck this shit.

It is 4:42 a.m., as the time on the screen alerts us.  Sean creeps into the Chick Bunker with night vision goggles on.  PEW PEW PEW one bullet between each of their eyes and all the rest of the girls are dead.  Haha, I wish.  No, they are actually being forced to get up WITHOUT MAKEUP!  Geneva Convention, where are you?  Drunk Lindsay, Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine, and Katie Holmes are off to see the sunrise.  Luckily, this is accompanied by mimosas!  DL is already getting the shakes and sobs with relief as she sucks down her drink.  Then we're off for a Tour of the Island which thankfully for Lindsay includes frequent Booze Breaks.

Next we stop by a treehouse and Des must relate to this kind of living situation having been a poor herself.  Then the oblig frolicking on the beach, wherein DL attaches her face to S like a remora.  Oh wait, Catherine has a secret too!  She has 4 Dads and one of them is in China?  I'm tres confused.  Is she the product of some bizarre genetic experiment or what's the deal here?  It's very cry-y whatever it is.  Oh one of the 4 Dads tried to kill himself in front of the kids!  That's terrible!  Catherine, just be like Lindsay and Drink to Forget.  Des wants him to meet her family.  That should be great, as long as he remembers to bring some cans and bottles!  Meanwhile, Drunk Lindsay gets the rose, yay!

Solo with Lesley Bugeyes.  S wants to "sit and talk." Oh great, asshole, everyone else gets Helicopter Bungee Jumping or Skyscraper Rappelling and I get Sit and Talk.  We're off to an old rum factory or roof factory, I'm not sure which, he was mumbling.  All ruins look about the same anyway.  She has a secret too! It better be good because 4 Dads has set the bar pretty high.  I hope she has at least 3 Moms.  No, wait, her secret is that she's falling for him? L A M E.  Call me when you had a kid with James Franco or huff paint on weekends, Lesley.

Guess who else is on St. Croix?  Sean's sister!  She's a ruddy lass who wouldn't be out of place smiling and holding an oar in the J. Crew catalog.  For some reason S wants to introduce Tierra to her!  But back at the Chick Compartment, there is a fight underway between Tierra and the girls!  I got distracted by her ringworm.

Tierra's parents said she had "a Sparkle"! Don't take away her Sparkle!  And there's something about how she can't control her eyebrows?  It's no 4 Dads, but it'll do, I guess.  Anyway, S arrives just as Sparkle is weeping on her loneliness cot and after a brief period outside staring meaningfully into middle distance, S tells T-Dog it's time to go!  The producers are not going to be happy about this.  In the Crying Van, T once again returns to the topic of her Sparkle.  Sparkle on, playa!

Some Serious Shit has gone down here and there will be no Cocktail Party.  Lindsay looks crestfallen.  We will proceed to the Rose Ceremony.  Dee gets one first, then 4 Dads and AdopTee.  Bye Lesley!  Meanwhile, why is Catherine decompensating?  YOU'RE SAFE GIRL.  I mean, for now.  No way you make it to the end.  Who wants 4 father-in-laws?

NEXT WEEK: Home visits! The General! Cath's hot sisters! Desiree's brother is a dick!  I guess his food stamps ran out early this week!