Here, read this Slate story "Did Human Pregnancy Evolve Because of an Infection?". You're not gonna read it, so I'll tell you what it's about:
HOW COME PEOPLE HAVE LIVE BABIES AND DON'T LAY MOTHERFUCKING EGGS.
Holy shit. MIND BLOWN. Can you fucking IMAGINE if people laid eggs? So, you'd like have labor and birth after a few months of being pregnant and then PLOP, "OK!! Here's your egg!" and then you'd leave the hospital with a pamphlet called "Caring for Your Egg" and it would have stuff like "It's best to wrap your egg in an electric blanket at night, especially if you live in a cold climate." No, even better, people would sell EGG COZIES on Etsy and you could get one with your baby's name on it.
For some reason, I'm picturing them about a foot-and-half tall and maybe 15, 20 pounds. Don't ask me about how that gets out, biologically. Gross.
There would totally be anti-abortion groups called, like, Don't Crack That Egg and Americans for Egg Integrity (AEI). And a whole underground of people who would like dispose of your egg if you didn't want it. There would, naturally, be a snuff film black market underground of people who ate human eggs and said they were "delicious, if a little gamey."
Custom shell-painting. Nuf said.
People would bitch about mothers who carried their eggs with them everywhere and they gave them an extra seat at the movie theater because they just couldn't stand to be away from their egg for a second. They'd be called "Penguin Parents" because they never leave their eggs alone. Other parents are happy to sometimes leave their eggs at the Egg Watchery at the mall while they go shop for hatching supplies, but not Penguin Parents.
Southwest, however, makes you buy an extra seat on the plane for your egg.
Don't even get me started on the people who hatch at home. SO UNSAFE.
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4 comments:
Even weirder, we can assume that humans would lay eggs regularly, regardless of whether they are fertilized, like chickens do. Resource conservationists would advocate eating your own unfertilized eggs because not doing so is wasteful and after all, they're fresh and delicious. At some point you'd have that awkward moment where you are invited for brunch at someone's house and you realize the omelettes they are serving are made from A GIANT EGG THAT CAME OUT OF THEIR OWN BODY.
Wait, wasn't this a Chicken Lady sketch on Kids in the Hall?
Thanks for running with that, GG.
Now I have to throw up.
Eww. There'd be an extra stench (if even possible) polluting the city...ROTTEN EGGS. blah
In my mind, you've just added a very disturbing bonus last page to the Ruth Heller 1981 classic "Chickens Aren't The Only Ones".
GG: Kids in the Hall. YES.
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