Friday, October 28, 2011

What every mayor of a city with an Occupy encampment wishes they could say when addressing the crowd

Attention hippies:

Having fun? Back in my day, when we would pitch tents and smoke grass and wallow in our own feces, we called it "camping," not "protesting," but to each his own, I guess. Look, I get what you're trying to do here. I've often said publicly that I respect everyone's First Amendment rights, but that's total BS and we all know it. Besides, you're having a fucking ongoing sleepover in one of my parks and that has about as much to do with free speech as David Hasselhoff has to do with acting. But I'm down with economic reform as long as it doesn't reform me out of my chance to run for Senator and get the fuck out of this shithole and make some real Monsanto lobbyist money in DC.

If I had my way, I'd send in the fucking cops to bust your heads up and send you back to that Maoist paradise you call a university, but that would look shitty on TV and God forbid we fuck up another Iraq vet. My heart goes out to you, Jean Quan. Christ, what a fucking mess you've got there.

Anyway, I'm more or less sure that you're going to eventually get bored of this shit and want to get back to your gravity bong and Adult Swim, so I'm pretty much going to wait this out. It's going to start getting into the 30's at night soon and let's be straight with each other, you're not exactly the Greatest Generation. Intolerable hardship for you guys is when your iPhone drops a signal. Not really hunkering down in a snow cave in the Black Forest and praying you don't get your eye shot out by a Nazi sniper, is it?

So have your fun and take lots of pictures - like I have to tell you guys that! - to post on your Twitters and blogs and Facebook and whatever. As long as you don't start looting Foot Lockers and don't hassle tourists we can stay out of each other's way until you get bored and go home. So I'll be thinking about you slurping up bowls of that fucking vegan stew or whatever Earth Mother over there is cooking up while I'm enjoying an ice-cold martini and getting blown by the Deputy Chief of Staff tonight.

Suck it, motherfuckers!

5 comments:

LiLo said...

That's two in a row man, nice work.

TK said...

Wait until I actually TRY.

Justin Beem said...

Thank you for your beautiful prose. I'm entering this into next years Nobel Prize for Literature. I expect you to win the cash prize.

All my friends think you are cool.

TK said...

Thanks for the kind words, Justin, but I think they usually give the Nobel to people who write on paper and also don't say "fuck" as much.

generic said...

That was... sublime.