Wednesday, October 12, 2011

TK looks at the mayor's race

Guess what? There's a mayoral race on here in SF. Are you one of the 40% of San Franciscans who thinks Gavin Newsom's still mayor? SUCKS TO BE YOU. He's not. He's the Emperor of Cheeseburgers or something, I forget.

So let's clear some shit up.

FACTS ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO MAYORAL CANDIDATES

- There are 413 people running for mayor of San Francisco. One of them is named Ed Lee and is the current mayor. He got the job when Gavin Newsom went to the Big Rock Candy Mountain because his office was next to Gavin Newsom's and he could pull his phone into that office and they wouldn't have to reprogram it.

- 62 percent of the people running are schizophrenic, sociopathic, or mildly retarded. Under federal law, we are not allowed to disclose which are which.

- One of the candidates is John Avalos. I have no idea what any of his positions are, but I love love love this picture from his website:


Here we see Candidate Avalos discussing the finer points of brightly colored murals with a narcoleptic who has unexpectedly drifted off during his monologue.

Here are some basic rules for voting:

1. Vote for whichever candidate you know personally first
2. If, for some odd reason, you don't know any of the candidates personally, vote for Wilma Pang, because it's fun to say "Wilma Pang."
3. If you don't like saying Wilma Pang, what's wrong with you? Also, then vote for Phil Ting, so the SF Bay Guardian can catch him doing something illegal and then use the headline WHAT A PHIL-THY TING.
4. If you're a narcoleptic, vote for John Avalos because he's on the side of the narcoleptic (see above)
5. You're not going to vote anyway. Who are we kidding?

Wilma Pang. Wilma Pang.

Off to Arizona tomorrow. May or may not be posting from there. We'll be in touch. I gotta let you go now. Yes. Yes. I gotta go. Yeah, we'll talk soon. OK. OK. Bye.

3 comments:

sfmike said...

A friend once told me, "Whenever somebody tells me they think they have their shit together, I tell them to repeat that assertion after a substantial visit with their fucked-up parents."

I know most of the candidates personally in a vague sort of way. The smartest and coolest one is Adachi, the sweetest and coolest (but not smartest) is Avalos the narcolepsy inducer, the most evil in ascending order are Leland Yee, Bevan Dufty, Michela Alioto-Pier, and David Chiu. And the One to NOT Vote For Under Any Circumstance is our old friend Mayor Ed Lee. He's another Ed Jew waiting for the FBI to swoop in and happen. There's a reason the corrupt old Chronicle newspaper decided not to endorse him.

Opinionated Lady said...

You mean Ed Jew and Ed Lee aren't the same guy!?

(kidding.)

Alissa said...

OR! "WHAT A PHIL-LY TING TO DO!"