When I started this blog in 2008, I initially intended to write it for one year. But the voices didn't stop and so it went on and on and on. Since then, I got engaged, got married, had a kid, went to some bars, that kind of thing.
It's been a blast but to tell you the truth, my heart's not in it any more. Maybe I've mellowed out a little and am not periodically seized by the fits of rage that ended up fueling my expletive-soaked rants here? Who knows. I just don't feel like posting enough any more to keep this A Thing.
For the record, the most popular posts of all time were "This $10,500 rental in the Mission is absurd" and "It's not a party without American Red Cups," followed closely by "30 Reasons to Hate San Francisco," which people STILL READ and STILL TAKE SERIOUSLY even though it was intended as a lovingly snarky followup to the starry-eyed and embarrassingly heartfelt "50 Reasons to Love San Francisco." Reading both of those now, it strikes me how much SF has changed since 2010. Regardless, for the record, I still love San Francisco. God knows it has problems, but I still don't want to live anywhere else.
Maybe the suburbs when I'm older, I don't know. Looking for parking gets old after a while.
It's not like I'm vanishing off the Internet anyway. I will maintain, I'm sure, a vibrant and dumb Twitter presence and may occasionally post longer form pieces somewhere. Medium? Ugh, I guess, whatever. Better than taking a screenshot of a wall of text and posting that on Twitter.
In closing, thanks for reading. It's been fun.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
It's time once again to review the San Francisco Giants' walkup songs
Just like we did in 2012! Man, that was two World Serieses ago. Time flies, etc. I should have been doing this annually but I fell down and couldn't get up.
Let's reprint this Explainer from 2012:
(Walk-up music, if you're not a baseball fan or something, is the music played in the stadium in the time that it takes the player to walk up to the plate - ergo, "walk-up music." For pitchers, it's usually the music that plays when they're warming up. But more than simply that, it is a window into the soul of the player, and should be regarded as such.)
Some players have more than one walkup song. That's great! You go, girl. I, however, am compelled by no law, earthly or spiritual, to discuss every one of your songs.
OK, on to the show.
THE RESPECTABLE
Brandon Belt, "99 Problems" (Beyonce's husband) - Iconic, but I'm not sure it sends the right message when you're coming up to the plate. What if one of your problems is you let your right shoulder drop? But you can't argue about the song.
Derek Law, "I Fought the Law" (The Clash) - What you did there, I see it. But this is such an incredible get-fired-up song that every relief pitcher should use it, whether or not they're named Law or Clash or Joe Fucking Strummer 2.
Brandon Crawford, "Fuck Up Some Commas" (Future) - Finally, a song about the Oxford comma. I don't know what part of the song they play when Brandon is actually walking to the plate but it is almost guaranteed to have a "fuck" in it and for that it's all worth it. (Is this the only rap song to mention Groupon by name? I hope not.)
Sergio Romo, "El Mechon" (Banda MS) - This song is as much Sergio's #brand as facial hair, fist pumping, and striking out Miguel Cabrera.
Javy Lopez, "The Humpty Dance" (Digital Underground) - Javier Lopez is about as old as me so this makes sense.
Joe Panik, "Moment of Clarity" (Beyonce's husband) - It will not surprise you to learn that Jay-Z is heavily represented on every team's walkup music roster. It's probably because he has a lot of songs that sound like anthems and also sound great in a booming, echoey stadium.
HARD ROCK
Hunter Strickland, "You Shook Me All Night Long" (AC/DC) - I have a fraught relationship with Hunter Strickland. I think he's come into his own as a relief pitcher but he will never know that because he blocked me on Twitter two years ago and APPARENTLY HOLDS A GRUDGE. Let's be friends, Hunter. I know I said some very mean things about you but that's back when you were giving away home runs like cops give out badge stickers. You're better now, and so am I! We cool?
George Kontos, "Harvester of Sorrow" (Metallica) - Whoever harvests beets, if you ask me! WACKA WACKA
Will Smith, "Stranglehold" (Ted Nugent) - Oh, too bad we just acquired Will Smith yesterday and now HE HAS TO LEAVE.
NEVER CHANGE, BUSTER
Buster Posey, "Hell on Wheels" (Brantley Gilbert) - Same walkup song he's had since at least 2012, and probably his whole life. I doubt Buster gives a shit, and some teammate in Salem-Keizer probably picked this for him and he was like "Fine with me, I only care about my family, the Lord, and the Game."
MEANWHILE ON PLANET HUNTER PENCE
Hunter Pence, "My Boo" (Ghost Town DJs) - I don't know why this cracks me up. Maybe because of this video, using the same music:
SOUNDS PAINFUL
Kelby Tomlinson, "Christ In Me" (Jeremy Camp)
ADDENDUM
Hope you don't have anything to do this afternoon, because this site compiles walkup music for EVERY PLAYER IN MLB. Let's see who can find the Worst Walkup Song of All!
(SPOILER: I figured I'd just go straight to Bryce Harper and win AND his are bad but not The Absolute Worst. He has 5: J. Cole, Sinatra, Bieber, Bassnectar, and Moby. I am not in the least bit surprised that Bryce Harper finds it necessary to have 5 walkup songs.)
ARTISTS WHO RETURN NO RESULTS WHEN SEARCHING ON THE DATABASE OF ALL WALKUP SONGS IN MLB
Animal Collective
Architecture in Helsinki
Rod Stewart
Elvis Costello
Train
Lionel Richie
Lana Del Rey
PLAYERS WHO USE AT LEAST ONE SONG BY WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART
Prince Fielder
Let's reprint this Explainer from 2012:
(Walk-up music, if you're not a baseball fan or something, is the music played in the stadium in the time that it takes the player to walk up to the plate - ergo, "walk-up music." For pitchers, it's usually the music that plays when they're warming up. But more than simply that, it is a window into the soul of the player, and should be regarded as such.)
Some players have more than one walkup song. That's great! You go, girl. I, however, am compelled by no law, earthly or spiritual, to discuss every one of your songs.
OK, on to the show.
THE RESPECTABLE
Brandon Belt, "99 Problems" (Beyonce's husband) - Iconic, but I'm not sure it sends the right message when you're coming up to the plate. What if one of your problems is you let your right shoulder drop? But you can't argue about the song.
Derek Law, "I Fought the Law" (The Clash) - What you did there, I see it. But this is such an incredible get-fired-up song that every relief pitcher should use it, whether or not they're named Law or Clash or Joe Fucking Strummer 2.
Brandon Crawford, "Fuck Up Some Commas" (Future) - Finally, a song about the Oxford comma. I don't know what part of the song they play when Brandon is actually walking to the plate but it is almost guaranteed to have a "fuck" in it and for that it's all worth it. (Is this the only rap song to mention Groupon by name? I hope not.)
Sergio Romo, "El Mechon" (Banda MS) - This song is as much Sergio's #brand as facial hair, fist pumping, and striking out Miguel Cabrera.
Javy Lopez, "The Humpty Dance" (Digital Underground) - Javier Lopez is about as old as me so this makes sense.
Joe Panik, "Moment of Clarity" (Beyonce's husband) - It will not surprise you to learn that Jay-Z is heavily represented on every team's walkup music roster. It's probably because he has a lot of songs that sound like anthems and also sound great in a booming, echoey stadium.
HARD ROCK
Hunter Strickland, "You Shook Me All Night Long" (AC/DC) - I have a fraught relationship with Hunter Strickland. I think he's come into his own as a relief pitcher but he will never know that because he blocked me on Twitter two years ago and APPARENTLY HOLDS A GRUDGE. Let's be friends, Hunter. I know I said some very mean things about you but that's back when you were giving away home runs like cops give out badge stickers. You're better now, and so am I! We cool?
George Kontos, "Harvester of Sorrow" (Metallica) - Whoever harvests beets, if you ask me! WACKA WACKA
Will Smith, "Stranglehold" (Ted Nugent) - Oh, too bad we just acquired Will Smith yesterday and now HE HAS TO LEAVE.
NEVER CHANGE, BUSTER
Buster Posey, "Hell on Wheels" (Brantley Gilbert) - Same walkup song he's had since at least 2012, and probably his whole life. I doubt Buster gives a shit, and some teammate in Salem-Keizer probably picked this for him and he was like "Fine with me, I only care about my family, the Lord, and the Game."
MEANWHILE ON PLANET HUNTER PENCE
Hunter Pence, "My Boo" (Ghost Town DJs) - I don't know why this cracks me up. Maybe because of this video, using the same music:
Life-affirming.this is probably the best thing I have ever done with my life pic.twitter.com/hBy0xkyAqo— ◢ M I K E D I V A ◣ (@mikediva) May 6, 2016
SOUNDS PAINFUL
Kelby Tomlinson, "Christ In Me" (Jeremy Camp)
ADDENDUM
Hope you don't have anything to do this afternoon, because this site compiles walkup music for EVERY PLAYER IN MLB. Let's see who can find the Worst Walkup Song of All!
(SPOILER: I figured I'd just go straight to Bryce Harper and win AND his are bad but not The Absolute Worst. He has 5: J. Cole, Sinatra, Bieber, Bassnectar, and Moby. I am not in the least bit surprised that Bryce Harper finds it necessary to have 5 walkup songs.)
ARTISTS WHO RETURN NO RESULTS WHEN SEARCHING ON THE DATABASE OF ALL WALKUP SONGS IN MLB
Animal Collective
Architecture in Helsinki
Rod Stewart
Elvis Costello
Train
Lionel Richie
Lana Del Rey
PLAYERS WHO USE AT LEAST ONE SONG BY WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART
Prince Fielder
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