A while back, I wrote a blog post about a comely young meteorologist whose name I can't repeat here for reasons that will become clear shortly but whose initials are E.T. Little did I know that E.T. would become the focus of intense interest in the Internet community. In the time since I wrote that post, E.T.'s name has become the #2 search term that people have found my blog using (the first being "40 going on 28," which is kind of gratifying, I guess). That's a lot of searches! That post is the 4th-most-read thing on my blog. People love E.T.!!!!
E.T. has since moved on to L.A., I gather, so maybe the larger population has something to do with it.
I'm imagining there's some subculture of female-meteorologist-obessed fanboys, breathlessly trading pics and stories about their fave weathergirls. Fuck, there's a subculture for EVERYTHING, so probably.
OK, next thing. Almost every day, someone runs a Google search for "Burritt [or Burrit] Room 40goingon28". Yes, at one point I did a post about the Burritt Room, and mentioned it again one other time, but I'm hardoly the go-to guy for Burritt Room info. So why that search, day after day? I like to imagine it's the owners of the Burritt Room, getting up every day and going "Man, I hope TK wrote something about us again TODAY on the blog! Oh, crap." And then slinking away all disappointed.
If you're the person who does this search every day: when you get to the post, hit "Bookmarks > Bookmark this page." Will save you a ton of time, swear.
One other thing: I will never again make the mistake of using the term "nude girls" in the title of a post. And people suck at searching for pornography. I mean, seriously, people, you can't TURN ON a computer without the vilest, most graphic perversions spilling out into your lap, and you found MY blog? Wow.
ANYWAY. Have a good weekend! It's not going to snow, so stop that.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Moammar Gadhafi predicts the Oscars
BEST PICTURE
This…this “Black Swan,” it is too much. “Toy Story” make me cry. Make Moammar cry! I have it killed for that. You have seen “Winter’s Bone”? What is “Winter’s Bone”?
Moammar say “Social Network.” I COMMAND IT.
BEST ACTOR
Javier Bardem? JAVIER BARDEM? How DARE he challenge 1000-year reign of Moammar! MOAMMAR BEST ACTOR. All others pretenders. Plus, Jesse Eisenberg too young. Still seem like "Superbad" to Moammar. Academy like serious. Not like Jesse Eisenberg.
BEST ACTRESS
Annette Bening too showy for Moammar. Nicole Kidman? What Nicole Kidman do this year? BRING NATALIE PORTMAN TO MOAMMAR AT ONCE. What? She carry another man’s baby? Kill him.
COSTUME DESIGN
MOAMMAR.
This…this “Black Swan,” it is too much. “Toy Story” make me cry. Make Moammar cry! I have it killed for that. You have seen “Winter’s Bone”? What is “Winter’s Bone”?
Moammar say “Social Network.” I COMMAND IT.
BEST ACTOR
Javier Bardem? JAVIER BARDEM? How DARE he challenge 1000-year reign of Moammar! MOAMMAR BEST ACTOR. All others pretenders. Plus, Jesse Eisenberg too young. Still seem like "Superbad" to Moammar. Academy like serious. Not like Jesse Eisenberg.
BEST ACTRESS
Annette Bening too showy for Moammar. Nicole Kidman? What Nicole Kidman do this year? BRING NATALIE PORTMAN TO MOAMMAR AT ONCE. What? She carry another man’s baby? Kill him.
COSTUME DESIGN
MOAMMAR.
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Moammar love Banksy. “Restrepo” good because it make Great Satan America look bad. But Banksy win.
ORIGINAL SONG
Moammar say “Country Strong” look stupid but Moammar like Gwyneth Paltrow to look stupid. Did Randy Newman write any song? Whatever song Randy Newman write wins.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Ha! Moammar film “Greatest Glory to Moammar and Kingdom of Libya; Moammar Will Reign 1000 Years” will surely win. WHAT! MOAMMAR NOT NOMINATED! Death to all Foreign Language Film nominees! Death to Academy! Probably "Dogtooth" then.
ART DIRECTION
Who cares?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The Bachelor: Look at this fucking family
We have finally arrived at the Family Visit Episode, which, for the uninitiated, involves the Bachelor (or ‘Rette, as the case may be) visiting the 4 finalists at home. Usually their parents’ homes. Awkwardness and, if we’re lucky, weirdness ensue.
First it’s off to Seattle to meet Chantal’s family. They meet up in a park and Chantal better not get near any open flame because that Forever 21 100% poly shirt would go up like a Molotov cocktail. They drop by Chantal’s house and, as The Wife asked, “How is it this 25-year-old bitch lives in her own huge fully-furnished house?” Worth asking, even if the furnishings are not exactly what I’d pick. Soon we find out when we go to her parents’ HOLY SHIT GINORMOUS FUCKING FAUX ITALIAN MANSION. Jesus Christ, this is what happens when people with zero taste get rich. Dad, who’s clearly had some work done and has a shiny smooth sheen, and Brad go off to Dad’s wing or whatever and Dad shows him his massive “Self-Made Man” sculpture that looks like something you’d get from the SkyMall catalog. Oh God, now Brad’s gotta go on about his Absent Father. Dad says he would approve of their TV Marriage. The only thing missing was a cash register CHA-CHING sound when Brad hears this. Fuck owning a bar, I’mma be on E-Z STREET MOTHAFUCKA.
Hey, in this commercial for L’Oreal “Youth Code,” we are advised that this is a “fantasy scene” and “You can’t actually grow younger.” Fuck you, L’Oreal!
OK, now we travel to Mackahawkamonaka, Maine to see Ashley. This part of Maine is apparently in Canada and everyone’s speaking French and eating poutine, no joke. Hey, they keep calling it “poo-TAN,” but I always heard it was “poo-TEEN.” Which one is right, French speakers? Anyway, poutine is french fries covered with cheese and gravy and obviously was invented by a HUGE STONER. Ashley’s parents live in a normal house and not an Italian-themed casino. Her sister’s all tatted up like a Suicide Girl which I was not expecting. Everyone talks about how Ashley’s almost done with her schooling but WTF? I thought she was already a dentist! Is she going to be some kind of Super Dentist or something? Brad leaves with a paper bag full of household items he’s stolen.
Following what appears to be an actual ad for Shawntel’s Family Mortuary, we arrive in Chico ready to Get Our Dead On. Brad arrives and gets a nice tour of the mausoleum but Shawntel just wants to get him on the prep table and pretend to embalm him. This is making someone in America very hot, I guarantee you. We are fucked as a society. ANYWAY, Shawntel finishes her Faux Embalming and they leave after a quick peek at the crematorium! That’s where they burn up the dead people, Brad!
Shawntel has a couple of blonde sisters who are kinda hot and are named Destiny and Vanessa, so they don’t even have to pick different stripper names! They’re all set. Dad brings up how the plan is for Shawntel to be the Chief Dead Person Dealer-With. Awkward! He lays a serious guilt trip on her but then says it’s cool if she leaves. Maybe Destiny and Vanessa can run the funeral home! It’ll be a Sexy Funeral Home! Ugh, can’t believe I typed that.
Next up: Charlotte, NC, where Lifetime Emily reunites with Lil Rickie. Here comes Brad. Uh-oh, Lil Rickie doesn’t want to meet Brad! “I hate New Daddy! Hate him!” Brad gives her a kite. “Tell him what you want to be when you grow up,” Lifetime says and Brad looks confused but she’s talking to the kid. A racecar driver, I hope! Oh, no, an animal doctor. You and every other girl in the US. Lil Rickie is generally moping and being sullen and is actually kind of a cockblock, if you want to get real. She also kind of sucks at kite flying. They head back to the House That Insurance Money Built and play some Candyland and then Lil Rickie goes to sleep. Brad and Lifetime are sitting downstairs and he gets all weird and won’t kiss her because the kid’s upstairs. WTF? Even Lifetime can’t figure this bullshit out. She finally breaks him down and they have a little front door makeout party. Also, I guess Lifetime doesn't have parents.
Back to NYC. Chris Harrison recaps a little to fill out the 2 hours. Then it’s time to hand out the hardware. Ashley first, then Lifetime, so it’s down to Chantal and Shawntel. SHOW ME THE MONEY. Later, Morticia. She actually takes it pretty well! She’s “never been treated like that in a relationship,” so I guess her past boyfriends have never been on a major network. Oh well. Back to the stiffs with ye.
First it’s off to Seattle to meet Chantal’s family. They meet up in a park and Chantal better not get near any open flame because that Forever 21 100% poly shirt would go up like a Molotov cocktail. They drop by Chantal’s house and, as The Wife asked, “How is it this 25-year-old bitch lives in her own huge fully-furnished house?” Worth asking, even if the furnishings are not exactly what I’d pick. Soon we find out when we go to her parents’ HOLY SHIT GINORMOUS FUCKING FAUX ITALIAN MANSION. Jesus Christ, this is what happens when people with zero taste get rich. Dad, who’s clearly had some work done and has a shiny smooth sheen, and Brad go off to Dad’s wing or whatever and Dad shows him his massive “Self-Made Man” sculpture that looks like something you’d get from the SkyMall catalog. Oh God, now Brad’s gotta go on about his Absent Father. Dad says he would approve of their TV Marriage. The only thing missing was a cash register CHA-CHING sound when Brad hears this. Fuck owning a bar, I’mma be on E-Z STREET MOTHAFUCKA.
Hey, in this commercial for L’Oreal “Youth Code,” we are advised that this is a “fantasy scene” and “You can’t actually grow younger.” Fuck you, L’Oreal!
OK, now we travel to Mackahawkamonaka, Maine to see Ashley. This part of Maine is apparently in Canada and everyone’s speaking French and eating poutine, no joke. Hey, they keep calling it “poo-TAN,” but I always heard it was “poo-TEEN.” Which one is right, French speakers? Anyway, poutine is french fries covered with cheese and gravy and obviously was invented by a HUGE STONER. Ashley’s parents live in a normal house and not an Italian-themed casino. Her sister’s all tatted up like a Suicide Girl which I was not expecting. Everyone talks about how Ashley’s almost done with her schooling but WTF? I thought she was already a dentist! Is she going to be some kind of Super Dentist or something? Brad leaves with a paper bag full of household items he’s stolen.
Following what appears to be an actual ad for Shawntel’s Family Mortuary, we arrive in Chico ready to Get Our Dead On. Brad arrives and gets a nice tour of the mausoleum but Shawntel just wants to get him on the prep table and pretend to embalm him. This is making someone in America very hot, I guarantee you. We are fucked as a society. ANYWAY, Shawntel finishes her Faux Embalming and they leave after a quick peek at the crematorium! That’s where they burn up the dead people, Brad!
Shawntel has a couple of blonde sisters who are kinda hot and are named Destiny and Vanessa, so they don’t even have to pick different stripper names! They’re all set. Dad brings up how the plan is for Shawntel to be the Chief Dead Person Dealer-With. Awkward! He lays a serious guilt trip on her but then says it’s cool if she leaves. Maybe Destiny and Vanessa can run the funeral home! It’ll be a Sexy Funeral Home! Ugh, can’t believe I typed that.
Next up: Charlotte, NC, where Lifetime Emily reunites with Lil Rickie. Here comes Brad. Uh-oh, Lil Rickie doesn’t want to meet Brad! “I hate New Daddy! Hate him!” Brad gives her a kite. “Tell him what you want to be when you grow up,” Lifetime says and Brad looks confused but she’s talking to the kid. A racecar driver, I hope! Oh, no, an animal doctor. You and every other girl in the US. Lil Rickie is generally moping and being sullen and is actually kind of a cockblock, if you want to get real. She also kind of sucks at kite flying. They head back to the House That Insurance Money Built and play some Candyland and then Lil Rickie goes to sleep. Brad and Lifetime are sitting downstairs and he gets all weird and won’t kiss her because the kid’s upstairs. WTF? Even Lifetime can’t figure this bullshit out. She finally breaks him down and they have a little front door makeout party. Also, I guess Lifetime doesn't have parents.
Back to NYC. Chris Harrison recaps a little to fill out the 2 hours. Then it’s time to hand out the hardware. Ashley first, then Lifetime, so it’s down to Chantal and Shawntel. SHOW ME THE MONEY. Later, Morticia. She actually takes it pretty well! She’s “never been treated like that in a relationship,” so I guess her past boyfriends have never been on a major network. Oh well. Back to the stiffs with ye.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Things I learned from watching 48 Hours Mystery
I love me some 48 Hours Mystery. I figured out why they're so compelling: they basically adapted the familiar tropes of the one-hour crime drama to Real Life Stories. So each episode starts out with a murder (usually pretty early on) and then there are a number of twists and turns and the perp gets arrested and we see the trial and maybe sometimes talk to the jurors who, as it turns out, I usually wouldn't trust to vacuum my car at the Divisadero Touchless Car Wash, much less decide whether I go to Death Row.
They also have kickass titles. Like, if someone hired their gardener to kill their wife, the episode would be GARDEN OF DEATH. Or if the director of the Rose Parade got murdered, it would be all DEATH ON PARADE. You get the idea. It's pretty badass, actually.
Oh, and there's Keith Morrison. I can't really describe Keith Morrison's unique diction online, but I will say that I do a pretty killer Keith Morrison impression. Here's a clip that will give you an idea of Keith's charms:
ANYWAY, from watching repeated episodes, I have learned a few lessons that will be invaluable to you if you are ever suspected of murder. (Or, as Keith Morrison would say, "Suspected. Of Murder.")
1. No matter how you act at the crime scene when the cops first arrive, it will be regarded as "unusual" or suspicious. Being too calm is suspicious, but so is being too upset. Crying and carrying on is suspicious, but if you aren't emotional, that's very suspicious.
2. Resist the urge to take out life insurance on your spouse. If your spouse is ever murdered, the fact that you have life insurance on him or her will be your ticket to a lethal injection.
3. The more soccer-Momish a woman seems, the more likely she is to have a secret double life involving S&M or pills.
4. Taking a lie detector test is usually not a very good idea.
5. In the days after your spouse is murdered, don't go on a wild spending spree or go to Hawaii or Mexico with your lover. It doesn't look good. Somebody will notice and it'll probably come up again.
6. Whoever you hire to do the killing will almost always blab to someone. In general, no one can keep their fucking mouth shut.
Fuck, I just realized I write about TV a lot. I should have become a TV critic like Tim Goodman. Then people would like me.
They also have kickass titles. Like, if someone hired their gardener to kill their wife, the episode would be GARDEN OF DEATH. Or if the director of the Rose Parade got murdered, it would be all DEATH ON PARADE. You get the idea. It's pretty badass, actually.
Oh, and there's Keith Morrison. I can't really describe Keith Morrison's unique diction online, but I will say that I do a pretty killer Keith Morrison impression. Here's a clip that will give you an idea of Keith's charms:
ANYWAY, from watching repeated episodes, I have learned a few lessons that will be invaluable to you if you are ever suspected of murder. (Or, as Keith Morrison would say, "Suspected. Of Murder.")
1. No matter how you act at the crime scene when the cops first arrive, it will be regarded as "unusual" or suspicious. Being too calm is suspicious, but so is being too upset. Crying and carrying on is suspicious, but if you aren't emotional, that's very suspicious.
2. Resist the urge to take out life insurance on your spouse. If your spouse is ever murdered, the fact that you have life insurance on him or her will be your ticket to a lethal injection.
3. The more soccer-Momish a woman seems, the more likely she is to have a secret double life involving S&M or pills.
4. Taking a lie detector test is usually not a very good idea.
5. In the days after your spouse is murdered, don't go on a wild spending spree or go to Hawaii or Mexico with your lover. It doesn't look good. Somebody will notice and it'll probably come up again.
6. Whoever you hire to do the killing will almost always blab to someone. In general, no one can keep their fucking mouth shut.
Fuck, I just realized I write about TV a lot. I should have become a TV critic like Tim Goodman. Then people would like me.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Please forgive this brief foray into football
I don't usually write about football because I don't watch as much as I used to, having converted to baseball starting about 10 years ago when I first joined a Giants season ticket group. I leave football to Daisy. But this was just too hilarious.
[NOTE: The rest of this post will only make sense if you're an NFL fan in general and a 49ers fan in particular.]
From a Q&A with new Niners Head Coach/Franchise Jesus Jim Harbaugh, in today's 'Gate:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wait, does Harbaugh not know who Alex Smith is? The total fucking bust who everyone agrees has no future with the 49ers? The one who failed when given chance after chance after chance? He's "definitely in it"?
Let me translate for you, in case you're not a football fan. Here, I found this Q&A with the Director of the Museum of Modern Art:
I certainly hope this is some bullshit that's part of Harbaugh's master plan, because if he's serious, and you're a 49ers fan, be very fucking afraid.
[NOTE: The rest of this post will only make sense if you're an NFL fan in general and a 49ers fan in particular.]
From a Q&A with new Niners Head Coach/Franchise Jesus Jim Harbaugh, in today's 'Gate:
Q: What is your prototypical quarterback?
Harbaugh: "First of all, a competitive guy that's a winner, somebody that has great athletic instincts, somebody who is very accurate throwing the football, a quick-minded guy who can think fast on his feet and can make decisions quickly, someone who has leadership ability, an understanding of timing and can make really good decisions."
Q: Is potential free agent Alex Smith someone in the mix?
Harbaugh: "Yes, Alex Smith is definitely in it."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wait, does Harbaugh not know who Alex Smith is? The total fucking bust who everyone agrees has no future with the 49ers? The one who failed when given chance after chance after chance? He's "definitely in it"?
Let me translate for you, in case you're not a football fan. Here, I found this Q&A with the Director of the Museum of Modern Art:
Q: What do you look for when purchasing a work of fine art?
A: It must have a bold vision and something to say. It should be edgy and dangerous and challenge your perceptions of what art is, but must also have an inherent beauty that can't be quantified or explained. It must speak to the soul, as well as the eyes.
Q: Is art by Thomas Kinkade in the mix?
A: Yes, Thomas Kinkade is definitely in it.
I certainly hope this is some bullshit that's part of Harbaugh's master plan, because if he's serious, and you're a 49ers fan, be very fucking afraid.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Bachelor: Let's Talk It Out.
So we’re off to the tropical isle of Anguilla and the CuisinArt Resort & Spa where the guests learn to dice food into uniform cubes. First we have a Solo Date with Lifetime Emily. The inevitable helicopter arrives to take them, hopefully, to a racecar track. Oh, boo, it’s a private island. Time for Awkward Picnic on the Beach. They have some boring conversation about how pretty it is and then make out. Seriously, both of these lugs are about as interesting as a stick of butter, so maybe they’re perfect for each other. Oblig. dinner on the beach follows. They “liked” their day together! They also like Wonder Bread, mayonnaise, saltines, The Lion King, and clouds. Brad wants to know if he can meet Little Rickie or Rikki or whatever. SPOILER he can, it’s in the promos later in the show. But Lifetime’s all cagey about it. The only damage it could do is that she might get BORED TO DEATH, Emily.
Meanwhile, we are subjected to an ad for “Red Riding Hood” which appears to be a horror movie version of the fairy tale of the same name. WHAT THE FUCK. Really, Hollywood? Next up: “RUMPLESTILSKIN: This Time, It’s Personal.”
Solo Date with the Funeral Director. You guys, sometimes she looks pretty hot and sometimes not. She’s her own personal Hot or Not. They bike around past the poors and then stop at a Totally Spontaneous Farmer’s Market with Steel Drum Band. Shawntel pretends to play dominoes and maybe accidentally just lost 500 Anguilla pounds or rupees or brightly colored beads or whatever they use on Anguilla. Then Crazy Old Voodoo Lady curses them to sit on the grass with huge goblets of red wine and talk. Blah blah blah relationship talk.
Dinner by – wait for it – The Beach!!! More fucking relationship talk. This episode has had by far the most relationship talk and thus, as a guy, has been the most boring for me. Then local legend Bankie Banx shows up to play some reggae mon and also collect on that dominoes money Shawntel owns. He’s gonna dispense a Jamaican necktie on your ass, Shawntel! I just made that up. I don't think there's any such thing as a "Jamaican necktie." The kids escape by swimming in the ocean. You can spot Shawntel by her enormous tramp stamp. That’s not even a tramp stamp. That’s a tramp parcel post. She’s from Chico, what do you want? Getting a tramp stamp is like going to a debutante ball up there.
Solo Date with Britt next. They hitch a ride on a drug cartel kingpin yacht and do a little cliff diving followed by sitting awkwardly next to each other. Clearly Chantal’s been eating Britt’s portions at dinner because girlfriend looks like a few pencils held together by an ugly bikini. Day turns to night on the USS Dumped. Dinner on the fantail features failure loin and socially retarded greens. Britt has less personality than Brad, which means that single-celled bacteria find her “a bit of a bore.” She gets sent off in the dinghy. That’s not a euphemism. Back at Camp Less Dumped Than You, the other chicks console Britt but it is time for her to go.
Group date: posing for swimsuit photos at dawn! It’s every girl’s dream. Chantal regrets eating all of Britt’s food. Ashley and Chantal both pop their tops right the fuck off, but Michelle opts for a little Tongue Time lying on Brad instead and this makes the other 2 sad. Brad knows he fucked up and feels real real real bad. What follows next is the most boring pool party of all time, which consists of Brad and the chicks talking about feelings feelings feelings feelings and everyone cries. Ashley won’t stop blubbering so she gets the Please Stop Crying Rose. That’s a real thing, I know cause I’m a guy.
Time for the Cocktail Party but HOLY SHIT BRAD CANCELS THE COCKTAIL PARTY. In the world of The Bachelor, this news is treated like Kelsey Grammer became the next president of Egypt. After the shock wears off, we proceed straight to the Rose Ceremony. Lifetime Emily, duh, then Funeral Director, and it’s down to Chantal and Michelle. WHOA, he kicked off Crazy Michelle. Surprisingly, she does not murder everyone there including the crew, but silently leaves, plotting how she will kill Brad.
Family visits next week! You know that’s my fave!
Meanwhile, we are subjected to an ad for “Red Riding Hood” which appears to be a horror movie version of the fairy tale of the same name. WHAT THE FUCK. Really, Hollywood? Next up: “RUMPLESTILSKIN: This Time, It’s Personal.”
Solo Date with the Funeral Director. You guys, sometimes she looks pretty hot and sometimes not. She’s her own personal Hot or Not. They bike around past the poors and then stop at a Totally Spontaneous Farmer’s Market with Steel Drum Band. Shawntel pretends to play dominoes and maybe accidentally just lost 500 Anguilla pounds or rupees or brightly colored beads or whatever they use on Anguilla. Then Crazy Old Voodoo Lady curses them to sit on the grass with huge goblets of red wine and talk. Blah blah blah relationship talk.
Dinner by – wait for it – The Beach!!! More fucking relationship talk. This episode has had by far the most relationship talk and thus, as a guy, has been the most boring for me. Then local legend Bankie Banx shows up to play some reggae mon and also collect on that dominoes money Shawntel owns. He’s gonna dispense a Jamaican necktie on your ass, Shawntel! I just made that up. I don't think there's any such thing as a "Jamaican necktie." The kids escape by swimming in the ocean. You can spot Shawntel by her enormous tramp stamp. That’s not even a tramp stamp. That’s a tramp parcel post. She’s from Chico, what do you want? Getting a tramp stamp is like going to a debutante ball up there.
Solo Date with Britt next. They hitch a ride on a drug cartel kingpin yacht and do a little cliff diving followed by sitting awkwardly next to each other. Clearly Chantal’s been eating Britt’s portions at dinner because girlfriend looks like a few pencils held together by an ugly bikini. Day turns to night on the USS Dumped. Dinner on the fantail features failure loin and socially retarded greens. Britt has less personality than Brad, which means that single-celled bacteria find her “a bit of a bore.” She gets sent off in the dinghy. That’s not a euphemism. Back at Camp Less Dumped Than You, the other chicks console Britt but it is time for her to go.
Group date: posing for swimsuit photos at dawn! It’s every girl’s dream. Chantal regrets eating all of Britt’s food. Ashley and Chantal both pop their tops right the fuck off, but Michelle opts for a little Tongue Time lying on Brad instead and this makes the other 2 sad. Brad knows he fucked up and feels real real real bad. What follows next is the most boring pool party of all time, which consists of Brad and the chicks talking about feelings feelings feelings feelings and everyone cries. Ashley won’t stop blubbering so she gets the Please Stop Crying Rose. That’s a real thing, I know cause I’m a guy.
Time for the Cocktail Party but HOLY SHIT BRAD CANCELS THE COCKTAIL PARTY. In the world of The Bachelor, this news is treated like Kelsey Grammer became the next president of Egypt. After the shock wears off, we proceed straight to the Rose Ceremony. Lifetime Emily, duh, then Funeral Director, and it’s down to Chantal and Michelle. WHOA, he kicked off Crazy Michelle. Surprisingly, she does not murder everyone there including the crew, but silently leaves, plotting how she will kill Brad.
Family visits next week! You know that’s my fave!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day, if you're into that sort of thing
Here are some cards you can print out and use. Just choose the one that matches your situation most closely:
Thursday, February 10, 2011
IFYCA: The LOL-stitute
Lady 88 says:
She's right. LOL is a problem. It probably never meant that the writer was literally "laughing out loud," but now people just sprinkle it around for no good reason. Or just to make something really objectionable seem less so. Like "Yah well I used to kill rats with firecrackers lol." THAT'S NOT FUNNY. Or "I luv Justin Beiber lol." U R STUPID.
Realizing the problem years and years and years ago, but still needing some kind of way to signal that something's funny, we developed IFYCA and now you may use it too. IFYCA means "I Find Your Comment Amusing," and is the grownup version of LOL. Thusly:
The Sister: "I ate some chocolate cheesecake yesterday and now I am spiralling into a black hole of depression and self-loathing."
TK: "IFYCA."
So feel free to adopt IFYCA and use it in your peer group too. You'll be happy you did! END THE TYRANNY OF LOL!!!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I have a serious question about health care policy
I know I'm going to regret this as soon as someone compares me to Hitler in the comments, but...
I have a question about conservatives and health care that I’ve never been able to get an answer to.
Now, as I understand it, the conservative approach to health care in the US is basically: You’re on your own. If you want health insurance, buy some or get hired by an employer who offers it. If you don’t want health insurance, no problem, just pay for your health care as you go. No government involvement in health care.
So, if we adopt this system, which is more or less what we have now (minus Medicare and Medicaid, of course, but those are only for a limited segment of the population), there will be a certain number of people who choose not to buy health insurance and go around uninsured.
And there will be a certain number of THOSE people who get into motorcycle accidents or get shot or get cancer and have to go to the Emergency Room for treatment, since, if you don’t have health insurance in the US, that’s where you go for primary care.
And there will be a certain percentage of THOSE people who can’t afford to pay for their treatment, and, in fact, will never pay for it. I mean, I know hospitals use collection agencies and everything to get money out of people, but some people you will just never collect from.
So the hospitals pass on the costs of treating those people to the rest of us, in the form of higher medical costs and higher insurance rates and whatever.
So I guess my question is, is that a good system? In the conservative view, do we, as a society, just pay for the deadbeats who show up at the ER with no insurance? And if it would be demonstrably cheaper, for society as a whole, to have some kind of low-cost universal health care, why wouldn’t you want that? I mean, why pay more just to avoid having a government-run universal health care system?
The alternative, of course, if to refuse to treat people who can’t pay. So if you’re a conservative, is that cool? Are you alright with, say, poor people or illegal immigrants being refused treatment and bleeding to death in front of hospitals? I mean, that’s certainly one approach you could take. Anyone want to step up and own that?
So I don’t see a third way. Either (1) the rest of us who dutifully pay eat the expense for the deadbeats who choose not to pay, or (2) we refuse to treat people who can’t pay for it. The first one seems totally anti-conservative, because it encourages people to leech of others. I mean, if someone else is always going to pay, why should I spend the money upfront? And the second one seems, well, maybe a little cold.
Am I missing a third way? Serious question.
I have a question about conservatives and health care that I’ve never been able to get an answer to.
Now, as I understand it, the conservative approach to health care in the US is basically: You’re on your own. If you want health insurance, buy some or get hired by an employer who offers it. If you don’t want health insurance, no problem, just pay for your health care as you go. No government involvement in health care.
So, if we adopt this system, which is more or less what we have now (minus Medicare and Medicaid, of course, but those are only for a limited segment of the population), there will be a certain number of people who choose not to buy health insurance and go around uninsured.
And there will be a certain number of THOSE people who get into motorcycle accidents or get shot or get cancer and have to go to the Emergency Room for treatment, since, if you don’t have health insurance in the US, that’s where you go for primary care.
And there will be a certain percentage of THOSE people who can’t afford to pay for their treatment, and, in fact, will never pay for it. I mean, I know hospitals use collection agencies and everything to get money out of people, but some people you will just never collect from.
So the hospitals pass on the costs of treating those people to the rest of us, in the form of higher medical costs and higher insurance rates and whatever.
So I guess my question is, is that a good system? In the conservative view, do we, as a society, just pay for the deadbeats who show up at the ER with no insurance? And if it would be demonstrably cheaper, for society as a whole, to have some kind of low-cost universal health care, why wouldn’t you want that? I mean, why pay more just to avoid having a government-run universal health care system?
The alternative, of course, if to refuse to treat people who can’t pay. So if you’re a conservative, is that cool? Are you alright with, say, poor people or illegal immigrants being refused treatment and bleeding to death in front of hospitals? I mean, that’s certainly one approach you could take. Anyone want to step up and own that?
So I don’t see a third way. Either (1) the rest of us who dutifully pay eat the expense for the deadbeats who choose not to pay, or (2) we refuse to treat people who can’t pay for it. The first one seems totally anti-conservative, because it encourages people to leech of others. I mean, if someone else is always going to pay, why should I spend the money upfront? And the second one seems, well, maybe a little cold.
Am I missing a third way? Serious question.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Bachelor: Stalk This Way
We now find ourselves in Costa Rica. This gives the producers a good opportunity to show Brad meandering through the jungle and staring meaningfully at a waterfall. Meanwhile, the chicks arrive at the Springs Resort and Spa, where Michelle hopes Chantal “gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.” Or some other higher primate. Like Brad!
Solo date with Chantal, the Overly Emotional Normal Girl. Finally, it’s fucking Helicopter Time. Where have the helicopters been this year? They are going ziplining through the jungle, which will be a metaphor for their relationship. Is ziplining a thing? Like, are there ziplining hobbyists and a National Ziplining Association and stuff? Anyway, post-zipping, there’s a picnic by the river and it starts raining and this is also a metaphor for their relationship. Luckily, there is a nearby hotel room to take refuge in! Brad happens to have some dessert handy. Watch that cheesecake, Chantal, looks like you’ve already put on a few! She’s wearing one of his shirts like she’s in a Cotton ad and gets the Almost Naked Rose.
Group date. They’re going Waterfall Rappelling. Jesus, what’s next, BASE jumping? Build and fly your own airplane into a hurricane? I would keep Michelle away from the rope when the other girls are rappelling. She is mad and starts hitting Brad. Here is a preview of the rest of your life with Michelle, Brad. Physical violence and mental illness. I wonder what happened to Michelle as a child.
It’s Hot Springs Bikini Time. Michelle says “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and [bleep] [bleep].” What did they bleep out? “Bowflex drunk”? “Watch House”? “Roofie yourself”? Hey, what does Brad’s back tatt say? What is that, “Prosepia”? Did he sell ad space on his back to a hair restoration product? Pretty smart move, Brad. No one gets a rose. Michelle says, “If he can’t make a decision, I’ll be forced to take matters into my own hands.” Don’t worry, Michelle, the next group date is free diving followed by Russian Roulette, so we should lose at least half the group doing that.
Solo date with Alli. They get on some tiny horses and ride off, followed by even tinier horses. It’s horses all the way down. They go into a cave that Brad says is 40 million years old. That sound you hear is creationists turning off their TVs in disgust. Some horror movie shit goes down inside the cave with bats flying around and lethal spiders and some rock formation called the “Altar” that’s clearly where the human sacrifices happen. Then they get to have dinner sitting upright like normal people. For the first time, there’s a girl more interested in the food than Brad! “What is this, chicken?” No, Alli, it’s Spider Loaf with a Cricket Drizzle. Alli’s been Friend Zoned from way back and she gets the Teary Drive-Away.
Brad’s back in his hotel room trying to “process how he’s feeling” without the help of TV Therapist when Crazy Michelle shows up! WTF is up with this chick and her stalking! She opines that she likes he got rid of Alli but is mad that he kept Chantal. Bitch, get your own dating show! Then you can decide yourself!
Cocktail Party time. Ugh, this is boring. Lifetime Emily knows she said she likes to sabotage relationships but won’t sabotage THIS one. Michelle starts crying to make Brad like her again. She either has a tack in her shoe or is imagining a dead puppy because she is a dead husk and has no actual emotions. Shawntel wants to have a Silence Contest, which does not make for particularly compelling TV. Chantal is in love with Brad and his Dessert Delivery Service.
Let’s hand out some roses. Pretty much what you’d expect. The last one comes down to Michelle or Jackie. Michelle’s human mask almost slips off but she holds it together. Jackie and her nose get the boot and head off to their bright future impersonating that chick from Glee. Next week we are off to “Anguilla,” which, frankly, sounds made-up.
Solo date with Chantal, the Overly Emotional Normal Girl. Finally, it’s fucking Helicopter Time. Where have the helicopters been this year? They are going ziplining through the jungle, which will be a metaphor for their relationship. Is ziplining a thing? Like, are there ziplining hobbyists and a National Ziplining Association and stuff? Anyway, post-zipping, there’s a picnic by the river and it starts raining and this is also a metaphor for their relationship. Luckily, there is a nearby hotel room to take refuge in! Brad happens to have some dessert handy. Watch that cheesecake, Chantal, looks like you’ve already put on a few! She’s wearing one of his shirts like she’s in a Cotton ad and gets the Almost Naked Rose.
Group date. They’re going Waterfall Rappelling. Jesus, what’s next, BASE jumping? Build and fly your own airplane into a hurricane? I would keep Michelle away from the rope when the other girls are rappelling. She is mad and starts hitting Brad. Here is a preview of the rest of your life with Michelle, Brad. Physical violence and mental illness. I wonder what happened to Michelle as a child.
It’s Hot Springs Bikini Time. Michelle says “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and [bleep] [bleep].” What did they bleep out? “Bowflex drunk”? “Watch House”? “Roofie yourself”? Hey, what does Brad’s back tatt say? What is that, “Prosepia”? Did he sell ad space on his back to a hair restoration product? Pretty smart move, Brad. No one gets a rose. Michelle says, “If he can’t make a decision, I’ll be forced to take matters into my own hands.” Don’t worry, Michelle, the next group date is free diving followed by Russian Roulette, so we should lose at least half the group doing that.
Solo date with Alli. They get on some tiny horses and ride off, followed by even tinier horses. It’s horses all the way down. They go into a cave that Brad says is 40 million years old. That sound you hear is creationists turning off their TVs in disgust. Some horror movie shit goes down inside the cave with bats flying around and lethal spiders and some rock formation called the “Altar” that’s clearly where the human sacrifices happen. Then they get to have dinner sitting upright like normal people. For the first time, there’s a girl more interested in the food than Brad! “What is this, chicken?” No, Alli, it’s Spider Loaf with a Cricket Drizzle. Alli’s been Friend Zoned from way back and she gets the Teary Drive-Away.
Brad’s back in his hotel room trying to “process how he’s feeling” without the help of TV Therapist when Crazy Michelle shows up! WTF is up with this chick and her stalking! She opines that she likes he got rid of Alli but is mad that he kept Chantal. Bitch, get your own dating show! Then you can decide yourself!
Cocktail Party time. Ugh, this is boring. Lifetime Emily knows she said she likes to sabotage relationships but won’t sabotage THIS one. Michelle starts crying to make Brad like her again. She either has a tack in her shoe or is imagining a dead puppy because she is a dead husk and has no actual emotions. Shawntel wants to have a Silence Contest, which does not make for particularly compelling TV. Chantal is in love with Brad and his Dessert Delivery Service.
Let’s hand out some roses. Pretty much what you’d expect. The last one comes down to Michelle or Jackie. Michelle’s human mask almost slips off but she holds it together. Jackie and her nose get the boot and head off to their bright future impersonating that chick from Glee. Next week we are off to “Anguilla,” which, frankly, sounds made-up.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Iconic Movies I Have Never Seen
"The Karate Kid" was on TV Saturday and The Wife and I were both hanging out and idly watching it and I mentioned I've never seen it before. She was sort of shocked, because I guess it's one of those iconic movies that you just think everybody's seen. I mean, she's not from this country and she's seen pretty much all the iconic movies. You know, the ones that are part of the cultural lexicon and that people refer to all the time. Like, when someone says "Go ahead, make my day," you know they're referencing "Dirty Harry," right?
[SIDE NOTE: A couple of weeks ago, I did a blog post about movie quotes that I use in real life, based on a similar piece Zoe Stagg wrote on her blog. Then on Friday, the Chronicle did a story about movie lines. This is not the first time that I have written about something and then it shows up in the Chronicle a few days later. STOP STEALING MY IDEAS, SF CHRONICLE. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS. CALL ME AND WE'LL WORK SOMETHING OUT.]
Anyway. I had to go to band practice about halfway through "Karate Kid" so I still haven't seen it. Based on what I saw, it's a movie about an eccentric Japanese gardener who gets a kid to clean his house for free.
But for whatever reason, I've missed a lot of what I guess are the iconic films. I don't know why! I didn't use to go to the movies much; maybe that's it. But here's some of what I've never seen that I THINK everyone else in America has seen.
- Most Will Ferrell movies. I can't stand Will Ferrell. I did watch "Elf" all the way through and laughed once. So I've never seen "Old School" or "Anchorman" and is there one where he's a racecar driver? And a figure skater? There was a dodgeball one, too, right? None of those.
- Any "Mission: Impossible" movie.
- I saw the first half of the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" but I thought it was so boring I turned it off.
- Most Ben Stiller movies. I don't think Ben Stiller's been in anything I've wanted to see since "The Royal Tenenbaums." No "Zoolander" or any of those Focker movies.
- Oh, wait, I thought "Tropic Thunder" was funny. He was in that, I guess.
- Most later Tarantino. Never saw the "Kill Bill" movies.
- "The Sound of Music."
- I've never seen "Blade Runner." I know, I know. Peeps is gonna FREAK OUT.
- Almost any musical. I've never seen "Singin' in the Rain" or "The King and I" or any of that shit.
- Any of the "Matrix" movies.
- Until recently, I'd never seen "Point Break" all the way through. I find it hilarious that "Point Break" is on The Times of London's list of The 100 Greatest Films of All Time. It was OK if you like terrible dialogue and laughable plots.
- Never seen "Schindler's List."
I'm sure there are a lot more big ones I can't think of right now. Crazy, huh?
[SIDE NOTE: A couple of weeks ago, I did a blog post about movie quotes that I use in real life, based on a similar piece Zoe Stagg wrote on her blog. Then on Friday, the Chronicle did a story about movie lines. This is not the first time that I have written about something and then it shows up in the Chronicle a few days later. STOP STEALING MY IDEAS, SF CHRONICLE. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS. CALL ME AND WE'LL WORK SOMETHING OUT.]
Anyway. I had to go to band practice about halfway through "Karate Kid" so I still haven't seen it. Based on what I saw, it's a movie about an eccentric Japanese gardener who gets a kid to clean his house for free.
But for whatever reason, I've missed a lot of what I guess are the iconic films. I don't know why! I didn't use to go to the movies much; maybe that's it. But here's some of what I've never seen that I THINK everyone else in America has seen.
- Most Will Ferrell movies. I can't stand Will Ferrell. I did watch "Elf" all the way through and laughed once. So I've never seen "Old School" or "Anchorman" and is there one where he's a racecar driver? And a figure skater? There was a dodgeball one, too, right? None of those.
- Any "Mission: Impossible" movie.
- I saw the first half of the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" but I thought it was so boring I turned it off.
- Most Ben Stiller movies. I don't think Ben Stiller's been in anything I've wanted to see since "The Royal Tenenbaums." No "Zoolander" or any of those Focker movies.
- Oh, wait, I thought "Tropic Thunder" was funny. He was in that, I guess.
- Most later Tarantino. Never saw the "Kill Bill" movies.
- "The Sound of Music."
- I've never seen "Blade Runner." I know, I know. Peeps is gonna FREAK OUT.
- Almost any musical. I've never seen "Singin' in the Rain" or "The King and I" or any of that shit.
- Any of the "Matrix" movies.
- Until recently, I'd never seen "Point Break" all the way through. I find it hilarious that "Point Break" is on The Times of London's list of The 100 Greatest Films of All Time. It was OK if you like terrible dialogue and laughable plots.
- Never seen "Schindler's List."
I'm sure there are a lot more big ones I can't think of right now. Crazy, huh?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Guy smoking crack on the N Judah becomes Important News Story
During my various perambulations around the Internets yesterday, I saw, as I'm sure many of you did, the story, with accompanying video, about the guy smoking crack on the N Judah. As far as I can tell, it appeared first on Uptown Almanac, under the headline "N Judah Drives Man to Smoke Crack, Uptown Reader Forgets How to Hold iPhone." The story was 10% about a guy smoking crack on the N Judah and 90% about how to hold an iPhone while shooting video. Anyway.
I next saw it at the venerable SFist, which seemed more interested in the smoking-crack-on-the-N-Judah angle:
The story then migrated to the Lamestream Media, where it appeared last night on Channel 2 news. Since the video has since been removed from YouTube because it "depicts harmful activities," the only place you can see the video now is on the KTVU website.
(Sotto voce to YouTube: Yes, crack smoking is bad, but aren't you being a little judgmental? Isn't Russian teenager amateur bungee jumping a potentially harmful activity?)
ANYWAY, I didn't really think too much about it, having seen way worse on many Muni lines, including the N Judah, when Sal Castaneda - who I love, don't get me wrong - pipes up on the Twitter this morning:
I next saw it at the venerable SFist, which seemed more interested in the smoking-crack-on-the-N-Judah angle:
The folks at Uptown Almanac bring our attention to a video of a gentlemen taking candid pulls from his crack (presumably it's crack, since marijuana emits a stench that, by comparison, lingers in the air) pipe. Really, it's an astounding, not to mention ballsy, thing to do while riding a seemingly crowded N Judah train. Addiction will do remarkable things to a person, we guess. Alas.
The film was shot yesterday by YouTube user sizlinseagulsoup. Check it out below.
The story then migrated to the Lamestream Media, where it appeared last night on Channel 2 news. Since the video has since been removed from YouTube because it "depicts harmful activities," the only place you can see the video now is on the KTVU website.
(Sotto voce to YouTube: Yes, crack smoking is bad, but aren't you being a little judgmental? Isn't Russian teenager amateur bungee jumping a potentially harmful activity?)
ANYWAY, I didn't really think too much about it, having seen way worse on many Muni lines, including the N Judah, when Sal Castaneda - who I love, don't get me wrong - pipes up on the Twitter this morning:
I have a couple of thoughts about this.
1. The person who shot the video is apparently YouTube user "sizlinseagulsoup," who is probably a real person and probably contactable via the "Send Message" option on YouTube. On Channel 2, no one is credited for shooting the video. I don't know if KTVU bothered to try and track down this person, but that would have been nice.
2. On that note, the whole Channel 2 story does nothing to discourage you from believing that they came up with the story themselves, when they obviously saw it on SFist or Uptown Almanac or Twitter.
3. Assuming that Sal thinks that "people sitting there very nonchalantly," as opposed to say, getting involved, is what's "incredible," oh, I beg to differ. What are they supposed to do, yell "Stop smoking crack!!!"? Here's what they know: The person is a CRACKHEAD. Crackheads have a reputation for being somewhat volatile. Who knows how this one's going to react? Google "Muni attack" sometime and tell me how brave you're feeling.
4. I don't know, this whole thing is such a What Would You Do situation that I expect John Quinones to pop up any second.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Bachelor: We're all facing a lot of inner demons today
Just when I thought I was going to give up on a season that features extended segments of the Main Character getting therapy, the Bachelor delivers this week with the awesome spectacle of shoving death in the face of an emotionally fragile girl. AWESOME.
Chris Harrison arrives to kick things off and tells everyone we’re going to Vegas now. Specifically, we’re going to this week’s sponsor, the Aria Hotel, which looks like a waterfall threw up on Logan’s Run and has a website that AUTOPLAYS MUSIC FUCK YOU ARIA. The girls get settled in the Larry Flynt Suite and Shawntel the Mortician goes on her solo date, wearing an outfit that looks like she pulled it out of someone’s dirty clothes pile. But we’ll fix that by going on a shopping spree at Fendi and Prada and whatnot and ABC just bought this chick a $5,000 purse. Too bad ABC’s not a guy or ABC would be getting laid for sure. Then Morticia brings it all back to rub it in the faces of those other bitches! Michelle tries to shoot cancer into Shawntel with her eyes.
Then Morticia gets another date! You get one guess what it’s going to be. If you did not guess “Rooftop Dinner,” you are sentenced to watch “Castle” without taking opiates. YOU’LL TRY HARDER NEXT TIME WON’T YOU. Morticia comes out to him as a funeral director. Brad is scarily too interested. She gives him a little talk about embalming in which she uses the words “leakage,” “orifices,” and “insert,” but even worse, bitch chews with her mouth open. GROSS. Just because your Corpse Friends don’t care doesn’t mean we don’t. Fireworks go off and Dead People Time is over.
Back at the Aria Las Vegas, the chicks are told the Group Date theme is “Let’s Go Speed Dating.” Sadly, this will not involve unlimited meth and wild animals. It’s actually at the NASCAR racetrack! Just when I doubted you, ABC, you pull out the stops and take the chick whose baby daddy was a racecar driver and died on his way to a race out to the track for the “NASCAR Experience”!!!! LOVE IT, ABC!!! Not only that, Dead Racecar Driver crashed at this very track and that ended his racing career. Not his flying to races career, obviously! But the whole thing is so perfectly twisted you have to love it. Did you mate die in a horrible boating accident? TIME FOR WATER SKIING!!!! Fell off a cliff? RAPELLING IS FUN!!!!
Amazingly, SHE IS GOING TO DRIVE THE RACECAR. Little Rickie is very nervous! Lifetime Emily is the last parent she’s got! Luckily, Emily never gets over 35 mph. Then it’s off to the inevitable pool party. It’s basically the Emily Party and chicks is PISSED because Brad’s spending all his time with her. Crazy Michelle takes him aside and tells him there are “a lot of immature girls here.” Chantal cries. I secretly hope Emily made up the whole Ricky story.
HEAD TO HEAD CAGE MATCH DEATH DATE with the Ashleys. Two will go on a date, but only one will return. The sad part is that one will return. The whole thing involves this Super Fucking Retarded Elvis Cirque du Soleil show that oldsters probably cream over but looks like the dumbest fucking thing in the history of theater. Nanny Ashley says she “is going to be fighting a lot of inner demons today.” What, did your boyfriend die in a circus accident? She keeps talking about how she’ll never find love but CHRIST LADY YOU’RE 22 FUCKING YEARS OLD and you live in NYC and you’re reasonably attractive. Fuck finding love, you should be finding the VIP rooms of clubs with professional athletes and mounds of cocaine. Love isn’t going anywhere, sweetie, but you’re only 22 in New York once. Anyway, she gets cut and she and her Silly Bandz are headed back to the Upper West Side. “I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. And the heart,” she says. Ugh, I feel like someone punched me in the head, so we’re even.
Brad places a call to his TV Therapist who’s hanging out on some patio furniture and waiting for the call to get his own syndicated show. TV Therapist makes up some bullshit about trusting your inner voice or something, I don’t know. It’s so boring I kind of blacked out.
Finally, we get to the Cocktail Party and can start wrapping this shit up. He shines on Marissa with some champagne and dessert but she has Dead Chick Walking written all over her. Crazy Michelle takes him in the backroom and, I don’t know, threatens to disembowel his family if he doesn’t pick her. No surprises, Marissa and some chick named Lisa who I don’t think I’ve ever seen before get cut. Onward and upward.
Chris Harrison arrives to kick things off and tells everyone we’re going to Vegas now. Specifically, we’re going to this week’s sponsor, the Aria Hotel, which looks like a waterfall threw up on Logan’s Run and has a website that AUTOPLAYS MUSIC FUCK YOU ARIA. The girls get settled in the Larry Flynt Suite and Shawntel the Mortician goes on her solo date, wearing an outfit that looks like she pulled it out of someone’s dirty clothes pile. But we’ll fix that by going on a shopping spree at Fendi and Prada and whatnot and ABC just bought this chick a $5,000 purse. Too bad ABC’s not a guy or ABC would be getting laid for sure. Then Morticia brings it all back to rub it in the faces of those other bitches! Michelle tries to shoot cancer into Shawntel with her eyes.
Then Morticia gets another date! You get one guess what it’s going to be. If you did not guess “Rooftop Dinner,” you are sentenced to watch “Castle” without taking opiates. YOU’LL TRY HARDER NEXT TIME WON’T YOU. Morticia comes out to him as a funeral director. Brad is scarily too interested. She gives him a little talk about embalming in which she uses the words “leakage,” “orifices,” and “insert,” but even worse, bitch chews with her mouth open. GROSS. Just because your Corpse Friends don’t care doesn’t mean we don’t. Fireworks go off and Dead People Time is over.
Back at the Aria Las Vegas, the chicks are told the Group Date theme is “Let’s Go Speed Dating.” Sadly, this will not involve unlimited meth and wild animals. It’s actually at the NASCAR racetrack! Just when I doubted you, ABC, you pull out the stops and take the chick whose baby daddy was a racecar driver and died on his way to a race out to the track for the “NASCAR Experience”!!!! LOVE IT, ABC!!! Not only that, Dead Racecar Driver crashed at this very track and that ended his racing career. Not his flying to races career, obviously! But the whole thing is so perfectly twisted you have to love it. Did you mate die in a horrible boating accident? TIME FOR WATER SKIING!!!! Fell off a cliff? RAPELLING IS FUN!!!!
Amazingly, SHE IS GOING TO DRIVE THE RACECAR. Little Rickie is very nervous! Lifetime Emily is the last parent she’s got! Luckily, Emily never gets over 35 mph. Then it’s off to the inevitable pool party. It’s basically the Emily Party and chicks is PISSED because Brad’s spending all his time with her. Crazy Michelle takes him aside and tells him there are “a lot of immature girls here.” Chantal cries. I secretly hope Emily made up the whole Ricky story.
HEAD TO HEAD CAGE MATCH DEATH DATE with the Ashleys. Two will go on a date, but only one will return. The sad part is that one will return. The whole thing involves this Super Fucking Retarded Elvis Cirque du Soleil show that oldsters probably cream over but looks like the dumbest fucking thing in the history of theater. Nanny Ashley says she “is going to be fighting a lot of inner demons today.” What, did your boyfriend die in a circus accident? She keeps talking about how she’ll never find love but CHRIST LADY YOU’RE 22 FUCKING YEARS OLD and you live in NYC and you’re reasonably attractive. Fuck finding love, you should be finding the VIP rooms of clubs with professional athletes and mounds of cocaine. Love isn’t going anywhere, sweetie, but you’re only 22 in New York once. Anyway, she gets cut and she and her Silly Bandz are headed back to the Upper West Side. “I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. And the heart,” she says. Ugh, I feel like someone punched me in the head, so we’re even.
Brad places a call to his TV Therapist who’s hanging out on some patio furniture and waiting for the call to get his own syndicated show. TV Therapist makes up some bullshit about trusting your inner voice or something, I don’t know. It’s so boring I kind of blacked out.
Finally, we get to the Cocktail Party and can start wrapping this shit up. He shines on Marissa with some champagne and dessert but she has Dead Chick Walking written all over her. Crazy Michelle takes him in the backroom and, I don’t know, threatens to disembowel his family if he doesn’t pick her. No surprises, Marissa and some chick named Lisa who I don’t think I’ve ever seen before get cut. Onward and upward.
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