We have finally arrived at the Family Visit Episode, which, for the uninitiated, involves the Bachelor (or ‘Rette, as the case may be) visiting the 4 finalists at home. Usually their parents’ homes. Awkwardness and, if we’re lucky, weirdness ensue.
First it’s off to Seattle to meet Chantal’s family. They meet up in a park and Chantal better not get near any open flame because that Forever 21 100% poly shirt would go up like a Molotov cocktail. They drop by Chantal’s house and, as The Wife asked, “How is it this 25-year-old bitch lives in her own huge fully-furnished house?” Worth asking, even if the furnishings are not exactly what I’d pick. Soon we find out when we go to her parents’ HOLY SHIT GINORMOUS FUCKING FAUX ITALIAN MANSION. Jesus Christ, this is what happens when people with zero taste get rich. Dad, who’s clearly had some work done and has a shiny smooth sheen, and Brad go off to Dad’s wing or whatever and Dad shows him his massive “Self-Made Man” sculpture that looks like something you’d get from the SkyMall catalog. Oh God, now Brad’s gotta go on about his Absent Father. Dad says he would approve of their TV Marriage. The only thing missing was a cash register CHA-CHING sound when Brad hears this. Fuck owning a bar, I’mma be on E-Z STREET MOTHAFUCKA.
Hey, in this commercial for L’Oreal “Youth Code,” we are advised that this is a “fantasy scene” and “You can’t actually grow younger.” Fuck you, L’Oreal!
OK, now we travel to Mackahawkamonaka, Maine to see Ashley. This part of Maine is apparently in Canada and everyone’s speaking French and eating poutine, no joke. Hey, they keep calling it “poo-TAN,” but I always heard it was “poo-TEEN.” Which one is right, French speakers? Anyway, poutine is french fries covered with cheese and gravy and obviously was invented by a HUGE STONER. Ashley’s parents live in a normal house and not an Italian-themed casino. Her sister’s all tatted up like a Suicide Girl which I was not expecting. Everyone talks about how Ashley’s almost done with her schooling but WTF? I thought she was already a dentist! Is she going to be some kind of Super Dentist or something? Brad leaves with a paper bag full of household items he’s stolen.
Following what appears to be an actual ad for Shawntel’s Family Mortuary, we arrive in Chico ready to Get Our Dead On. Brad arrives and gets a nice tour of the mausoleum but Shawntel just wants to get him on the prep table and pretend to embalm him. This is making someone in America very hot, I guarantee you. We are fucked as a society. ANYWAY, Shawntel finishes her Faux Embalming and they leave after a quick peek at the crematorium! That’s where they burn up the dead people, Brad!
Shawntel has a couple of blonde sisters who are kinda hot and are named Destiny and Vanessa, so they don’t even have to pick different stripper names! They’re all set. Dad brings up how the plan is for Shawntel to be the Chief Dead Person Dealer-With. Awkward! He lays a serious guilt trip on her but then says it’s cool if she leaves. Maybe Destiny and Vanessa can run the funeral home! It’ll be a Sexy Funeral Home! Ugh, can’t believe I typed that.
Next up: Charlotte, NC, where Lifetime Emily reunites with Lil Rickie. Here comes Brad. Uh-oh, Lil Rickie doesn’t want to meet Brad! “I hate New Daddy! Hate him!” Brad gives her a kite. “Tell him what you want to be when you grow up,” Lifetime says and Brad looks confused but she’s talking to the kid. A racecar driver, I hope! Oh, no, an animal doctor. You and every other girl in the US. Lil Rickie is generally moping and being sullen and is actually kind of a cockblock, if you want to get real. She also kind of sucks at kite flying. They head back to the House That Insurance Money Built and play some Candyland and then Lil Rickie goes to sleep. Brad and Lifetime are sitting downstairs and he gets all weird and won’t kiss her because the kid’s upstairs. WTF? Even Lifetime can’t figure this bullshit out. She finally breaks him down and they have a little front door makeout party. Also, I guess Lifetime doesn't have parents.
Back to NYC. Chris Harrison recaps a little to fill out the 2 hours. Then it’s time to hand out the hardware. Ashley first, then Lifetime, so it’s down to Chantal and Shawntel. SHOW ME THE MONEY. Later, Morticia. She actually takes it pretty well! She’s “never been treated like that in a relationship,” so I guess her past boyfriends have never been on a major network. Oh well. Back to the stiffs with ye.
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2 comments:
I caught a bit of this last night while avoiding commercials during "House" and was almost tempted to keep watching, but then I remembered your recaps are actually better than the show, so I just waited for your post.
what? no mention of Ashley's family acting like a bunch of caged monkeys with all that jumping around and screeching?
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