The Bachelor: Stalk This Way

We now find ourselves in Costa Rica. This gives the producers a good opportunity to show Brad meandering through the jungle and staring meaningfully at a waterfall. Meanwhile, the chicks arrive at the Springs Resort and Spa, where Michelle hopes Chantal “gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.” Or some other higher primate. Like Brad!

Solo date with Chantal, the Overly Emotional Normal Girl. Finally, it’s fucking Helicopter Time. Where have the helicopters been this year? They are going ziplining through the jungle, which will be a metaphor for their relationship. Is ziplining a thing? Like, are there ziplining hobbyists and a National Ziplining Association and stuff? Anyway, post-zipping, there’s a picnic by the river and it starts raining and this is also a metaphor for their relationship. Luckily, there is a nearby hotel room to take refuge in! Brad happens to have some dessert handy. Watch that cheesecake, Chantal, looks like you’ve already put on a few! She’s wearing one of his shirts like she’s in a Cotton ad and gets the Almost Naked Rose.

Group date. They’re going Waterfall Rappelling. Jesus, what’s next, BASE jumping? Build and fly your own airplane into a hurricane? I would keep Michelle away from the rope when the other girls are rappelling. She is mad and starts hitting Brad. Here is a preview of the rest of your life with Michelle, Brad. Physical violence and mental illness. I wonder what happened to Michelle as a child.

It’s Hot Springs Bikini Time. Michelle says “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and [bleep] [bleep].” What did they bleep out? “Bowflex drunk”? “Watch House”? “Roofie yourself”? Hey, what does Brad’s back tatt say? What is that, “Prosepia”? Did he sell ad space on his back to a hair restoration product? Pretty smart move, Brad. No one gets a rose. Michelle says, “If he can’t make a decision, I’ll be forced to take matters into my own hands.” Don’t worry, Michelle, the next group date is free diving followed by Russian Roulette, so we should lose at least half the group doing that.

Solo date with Alli. They get on some tiny horses and ride off, followed by even tinier horses. It’s horses all the way down. They go into a cave that Brad says is 40 million years old. That sound you hear is creationists turning off their TVs in disgust. Some horror movie shit goes down inside the cave with bats flying around and lethal spiders and some rock formation called the “Altar” that’s clearly where the human sacrifices happen. Then they get to have dinner sitting upright like normal people. For the first time, there’s a girl more interested in the food than Brad! “What is this, chicken?” No, Alli, it’s Spider Loaf with a Cricket Drizzle. Alli’s been Friend Zoned from way back and she gets the Teary Drive-Away.

Brad’s back in his hotel room trying to “process how he’s feeling” without the help of TV Therapist when Crazy Michelle shows up! WTF is up with this chick and her stalking! She opines that she likes he got rid of Alli but is mad that he kept Chantal. Bitch, get your own dating show! Then you can decide yourself!

Cocktail Party time. Ugh, this is boring. Lifetime Emily knows she said she likes to sabotage relationships but won’t sabotage THIS one. Michelle starts crying to make Brad like her again. She either has a tack in her shoe or is imagining a dead puppy because she is a dead husk and has no actual emotions. Shawntel wants to have a Silence Contest, which does not make for particularly compelling TV. Chantal is in love with Brad and his Dessert Delivery Service.

Let’s hand out some roses. Pretty much what you’d expect. The last one comes down to Michelle or Jackie. Michelle’s human mask almost slips off but she holds it together. Jackie and her nose get the boot and head off to their bright future impersonating that chick from Glee. Next week we are off to “Anguilla,” which, frankly, sounds made-up.