(Some of) My personal favorite Twitter posts of the year

I guess I could say "my favorite tweets" but GOD HELP ME I fucking LOATHE the term "tweets." Just saying the word "tweets" cheapens us all.

ANYWAY, in lieu of some bullshit Year in Review crap or something like that, here are some of the Twitter posts I "favorited" (ugh, another awful construction; maybe Twitter is the Nail in the Coffin for the English language) and thought were funny and/or something.



Kate is a must-follow.



Jessica is Internet famous but still talks to me.



The inimitable Molls, with a dieting query.



Molls is pretty much gold 100% of the time.



Renée.





More Renée.





That's a good point.



One more Molls.





I know what you mean.

I could also repost about 15 of Kanye's tweets here, but you've seen them all before. (For the record, cherub imagery and water bottle are my 2 faves.)

Keep up the good work, everyone!

Here's another restaurant review, like you give a shit

No one's reading this. You're all stuck with your parents somewhere trying desperately to get a flight to JFK because you're about to freak out and kill them or you're home waking and baking and watching Maury (SPOILER: In the case of Charmaine, YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER) or you're in Tahoe or God knows what else. You're not at work, which is where you'd be reading this under normal conditions. That's OK. I understand.

Last night was Moms' final night here in SF and she got it in her head that she wanted Burmese food, probably because that sounded like it would make a good story for her friends back in Arizona about Crazy Shit They Eat in SF. So I made a reservation at Mandalay to get our Burmese on.

DIGRESSION #1: Shouldn't it be called "Myanmarese" food now? I guess that's too hard to pronounce and plus we're sticking with "Burma" as a protest against the current junta or something.

DIGRESSION #2: I know you're inwardly screaming "Why didn't you go to Burma Super Star??!?!??," you little food-obsessed foodie snob. I'll tell you why. Last time I went to BSS I waited an hour and a half for what's essentially Thai food with different names. So fuck that. I made reservations at Mandalay that day, no problem. Reservations are an extremely good idea, as we will see.

Mandalay was fine. My impressions are: (1) The food's pretty good. Maybe really good. We had some noodle stuff that was pretty great and also Sizzling Beef which was exactly what it sounds like and also Mango Prawns which I didn't taste. I'm not super-into prawns. (2) Everything took a very long time. (3) It was FUCKING CROWDED, like jam packed.

What is the deal with this town and the fucking Burmese food? There was a crowd standing by the front door looking like they were going to leap on us and rip the fucking Nan Gyi Dok right out of our hands. Clumped together by the door, anxiously staring at the hostess each time she went to the clipboard. Jesus Christ, people, just go to one of the 2,786 Thai restuarants in this town. It's basically the same fucking food. And this is on a Monday night. I mean, really?

So yeah, if you have reservations and happen to be in the area, I guess it's worth going to. But if you're one of those people waiting an hour, took a long hard look at yourself and ask why. "WHYYYYY," ask yourself. "WHYYYY AM I DOING THIS." Then go get some Thai food like a rational human being.

Xmas is over and it's time to bitch

Happy Monday. I hope you had a good Christmas or Chanukah or whatever the fuck you do. I wish I could say I was in a better mood but I've been drinking for like a week straight and I'm tired and cranky now.

Have you seen this ad?



What the fuck. First of all, if you've got robots that are so advanced that they can engage in robot hand-to-hand combat, wouldn't somebody have thought to install a Robot Destroyer Laser? I mean, these fuckers are million-dollar machines fighting with Stone Age technology. It's like having a steam-powered Blu-Ray player. "Hold on, we'll watch the rest of Avatar as soon as I put more coal in the boiler!"

Second thing: Jesus Christ, dude, did you know it's possible to fucking exist for more than 30 seconds without watching TV? It's a subpar sci-fi film, not a fucking dialysis machine. I think you can fucking live without this bullshit for the seconds it takes to make a cup of tea and get to the bedroom. Fuck.

Next: I occasionally listen to "Fresh Air" on NPR because I'm a Coastal Elite and that's how we do. I was just listening to the podcast from 12/23 because I obviously have nothing better to listen to this morning. So we have Music Critic Ken Tucker's list of the Best Albums of 2010 and boy is Ken Tucker wrong as fuck. His best album is by someone called Tracy Thorn. It's horrible. Here's a song from it. See what I mean?

Oh, as it turns out she's the chick from Everything But the Girl. Figures.

He also has Joanna Newsom on his list so you can tell he's showing off for other rock critics. The only people who listen to Joanna Newsom are rock critics and the mentally insane.

(I know this is going to make me sound pretentious as fuck, but I really liked Kanye's album. Also: The Monitor, by Titus Andronicus; This Is Happening, by LCD Soundsystem; Wavves' King of the Beach and a bunch of other stuff I'm not going to get into here because the last thing the world needs is another douchebag pontificating about music.)

It approaches.

Guess who's decided to come back for Christmas this year? MOM.



Now I don't want to say that she's a complete Control Freak or anything, but The Sister is picking her up at the airport at 1 pm on Xmas Eve and she has already informed us that she has quite a few things on the old agenda, viz:

I'm thinking since my flight arrives at 1:20, and my hotel is at Union Square I would enjoy first stopping at nearby Grace Cathedral to see the Bronze Door casts of Ghiberti's "Gates of Paradise." I saw the beautiful originals in Florence at the Basilica. They are depictions in bronze casts of 12 Old Testament bible stories (Adam & Even in the garden, Noah's Ark, Moses and the 10 Commandments, etc.)

Then, just a hop away is the Mark Hopkins. I would enjoy stopping there for a drink at "The Top of the Mark" to have a bit of time with you before joining others.

Jesus Christ, lady, that's a whole vacation you want to fit into an hour and a half. Also, if you saw the originals on your trip to Florence, why do you wanna see some cheap knockoff "Gates of Paradise"? What, the real "Gates of Paradise" didn't do it for you? "Hey, I just saw the Mona Lisa at the Louvre, but I understand this truck stop in Gilroy has a poster of it on the wall in the Ladies Room so I definitely want to see that!!!"

Well, it should be interesting. I'm sure she'll want to know why we didn't hang up that Electronic Dartboard she got us for Christmas 2 years ago and I'll just have to explain that we decided against going with a Dave & Buster's interior decor theme and that's why there's no Pop-A-Shot in the living room either. And then we'll have to hear about all our inheritance money taking fabulous trips to Tuscany and London and the fucking Great Wall of China for all I know.

Your Quick Reference Guide to Celebrity Rehab 4

THE PLAYERS

Jason Davis is a fat guy whose grandfather invented movies or something. He is addicted to heroin and Twix bars, which is understandable because both are delicious. He is enemies with FRANKIE.

Leif Garrett is a guy your Mom used to masturbate to. He is addicted to everything in the world. He is enemies with EVERYONE and is especially annoyed by FRANKIE and with good reason because she is annoying as fuck.

Jeremy London was on Party of Five and was in the news recently because he was kidnapped by space aliens and taken to planet Are You Fucking Kidding Me and forced to take drugs and have fun. He's a little puffy but seems like a nice kid. He has a wife who looks like a RealDoll and is friends with LEIF.

Janice Dickinson is a semi-preserved former supermodel who eats barbituates for fun and gets mad when people don't pay attention to her. She is enemies with RACHEL.

Jason Wahler is a normal guy who happened to walk into the Pasadena Recovery Center by accident one day and was never allowed to leave. On "Celebrity Rehab," he is played by himself, or the other way around or something.

Frankie Lons is the mother of either Keyshia Cole, Keisha Knight Pulliam, or Ke$ha. She enjoys using the word "motherfucker," which is bleeped out with some success by authorities at VH1.

Rachel Uchitel is not the least attractive chick Tiger Woods banged. In fact, she is not in the bottom 10. She is addicted to not wearing enough clothing.

Eric Roberts is a strange pothead. His "Eracism" t-shirt somehow survived the 80's intact.

EPISODE GUIDE

Episode 1: Blah blah blah everyone talks about their boring lives. Jason Davis is a dick.

Episode 2: Everyone freaks out a little when they can't have any more drugs. Jason Davis is a dick.

Episode 3: Jeremy London's wife is wheeled in so everyone can get a look at her construction. Leif Garret is pissed. Jason Davis is a dick.

Episode 4: Everyone goes to the beach! There are no drugs there. Leif Garrett is going to leave. No, he's not now. Eric Roberts cries. Jason Davis is not that bad. Rachel takes a cab to oblivion.

Episode 5: Rachel realizes she must stay on TV to become famous and comes back. Resident Tech Shelley would kill for just one hit of crack.

COMING UP THIS SEASON

Everyone leaves and starts taking drugs again.

MY FAVORITE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW

Resident Tech Shelley. How much fun would it be to go on a weekend-long bender with her? Fuck.

TK's 12 Days of SF Christmas

On the first day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
A bottle of Balvenie.

On the second day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie.



On the third day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Four iPhone 4s
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Fiiiiiiiiive hits of E
Four iPhone 4s
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie



On the sixth day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Six crackheads begging
Fiiiiiiiiive hits of E
Four iPhone 4s
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Seven Supes a-banning
Six crackheads begging
Fiiiiiiiiive hits of E
Four iPhone 4s
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Eight Ns not coming
Seven Supes a-banning
Six crackheads begging
Fiiiiiiiiive hits of E
Four iPhone 4s
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie



On the ninth day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Nine Gettys inheriting
Eight Ns not coming
Seven Supes a-banning
Six crackheads begging
Fiiiiiiiiive hits of E
Four iPhone 4s
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Ten baristas scowling
Nine Gettys inheriting
Eight Ns not coming
Seven Supes a-banning
Six crackheads begging
Fiiiiiiiiive hits of E
Four iPhone 4s
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Eleven mayors preening
Ten baristas scowling
Nine Gettys inheriting
Eight Ns not coming
Seven Supes a-banning
Six crackheads begging
Fiiiiiiiiive hits of E
Four iPhone 4s
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My Life Partner gave to me
Twelve neighbors drumming
Eleven mayors preening
Ten baristas scowling
Nine Gettys inheriting
Eight Ns not coming
Seven Supes a-banning
Six crackheads begging
Fiiiiiiiiive hits of E
Four iPhone 4s
Three startups
Two stolen fixies
And a bottle of Balvenie



And with that, I'm out. Looks like I could have picked a better day to drive to Santa Cruz for a Christmas Party, huh? See you on Monday, if we make it.

(Photo credits: Ario/Flickr, viaThe Eastsider LA; some drug website; Anna Conti/Flickr via Muni Diaries (with mad Photoshoppingz by the author); Passive Aggressive Notes.)

Controversy swirls around Time's Person of the Year 2010 choice.

So yeah, Mark Zuckerberg is Time's Person of the Year.

(Does this photo seem oddly stretched or something? I stole it from the WSJ b/c that's the first one that popped up on Google News. Anyway.)

Makes sense, I guess. It really did seem like 2010 was the year where Facebook went from just a social networking site to Utter and Total Ubiquity. 2010 was the year your Mom joined Facebook and started posting stupid shit 24/7, right?

(As I have mentioned many times before, maybe to the point of annoyance and/or self-aggrandizement, I am one of 2 (or maybe 3) people I know who does not have a Facebook account. The reasons are still chiefly the same and may be somewhat unique to my personality but that's neither here nor there, plus at this point it's almost too late to join. Now it just seems lame. Like you're the last person who shows up at a party and goes "OK, now we can get started!" I do like the stalking aspects of FB, but based on looking at other people use it, I would quickly get way way way too annoyed to enjoy it.)

ANYWAY, one "Scott Simon" from NPR does not at all agree with Time's choice!!!!!!!


LOLz. This is the dumbest shit I've read all day. The Chilean miners, Scott Simon? Really?? I barely remember that the Chilean Miner thing happened today. Imagine people reviewing the list of POTYs in 10 years and going "Who the fuck are the Chilean Miners? Did they like discover cold fusion underground or something? What the fuck?"

Honestly, Scott Simon, I'm glad you're not picking the POTY or in 1987 Baby Jessica would have been the Person of the Year instead of Mikhail Gorbachev.

(Incidentally, we totally need to get together and have a screening of "Everybody's Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure," starring Beau Bridges and featuring, oddly, Will Oldham. Yes, that Will Oldham. Bonnie Prince Billy. WTF.)

Where was I. I get lost. Oh, right, Scott Simon. Listen, Scott, the way Facebook is going eventually it's going to be the Ur-Application and I will eventually have to get a FB account myself or I will cease to exist. You probably won't be allowed to have a job or buy vicodin online from a Russian website without a FB account, so it'll be a necessity. So Zuckerberg's probably a rational choice.

The Chilean Miners will be the subject of a Where Are They Now special on TLC in 10 years.

More uninformed bullshit opinions about the Happy Meal thing and other nutritional topics

I've been thinking and Food and Nutrition and that shit lately because I haven't been to the gym in like 3 weeks and during the Holiday Season you pretty much drink every day and eat like shit so even though the scale says I'm within my acceptable range of 199-204 (I'm 6'4",' shut up), I feel fucking fat. ANYWAY. Couple of things.

(1) The Happy Meal thing.

Hey, if you're reading this, there's a not-zero chance you live in San Francisco and a concomitant not-zero chance you've had to sigh as a relative asked you why you banned Happy Meals. So, Good Idea or just the latest in Crazy San Francisco? A little of both, I think.

First of all, let's get one thing straight: San Francisco did not "ban Happy Meals." The ordinance says that a restaurant meal has to meet certain nutritional guidelines if you offer a toy with it. So Happy Meal away, just leave the toy out. I guess the toy is half the reason to get a Happy Meal, but still.

Anyway, Generic makes the good point that 1 in 5 kids are obese and implies, I think, that the Happy Meal Ban (oh shit, I just contradicted myself but you know that's what everyone's calling it so I give up and it's just easier shorthand) is a reasonable governmental response to the problem.

Now, The Other Side (i.e., Everyone between the Caldecott Tunnel and the Hudson River, except for Austin and Madison and Boulder) would reply "Hey, my child's nutrition is my own damn business and I'd like the option of offering my child a Buzz Lightyear or some odious character from Shrek or whatever the fuck they're putting in Happy Meals these days and here comes that Board of Supervisors to tell me I can't! That's too much Big Government!"

Well, yeah, that sounds right, too, except 1 in 5 children are OBESE and this is clearly a public health concern and we are all, as taxpayers, going to end up paying in some way or another when your child has Diabetes and needs one of those scooters just to move his gigantic whale-like body around.

BUT here's the problem I have with the HMB: I have yet to see, from the Supervisors or anywhere else, any concrete evidence that removing the toy from the Happy Meal will lead to less consumption of Happy Meals. I mean, that's the assumption, right? We're all taking it for granted that if you take the toy out, parents will all of THE sudden[*] say "Well, I was going to go to the McDonald's near my house because it's quick and easy and cheap, but now I'll stay home and prepare a nutritious salad for my child because there's no toy in the Happy Meal." I think that's as ridiculous as it sounds. Until I see some research saying otherwise, I will continue to believe that parents will still be feeding their kids McDonald's, Happy Meal toy or not.

Maybe I'll hit up my local McD's today and make some in-person observations. I'll even enjoy a delicious Quarter Pounder with Cheese, even though I know it'll make me feel sick afterward like it always does.

[*] The Wife recently noticed that I say "all of THE sudden" instead of "all of A sudden," which I had never noticed before but which is apparently a VERY BIG DEAL to her because she gets visibly agitated now when I say "all of THE sudden." Some evidence indicates that AOAS is correct, but Wiktionary, whatever the fuck that is, says that AOTS is an "alternative form" of AOAS, so there you go.

(2) The Worst Food in America comes from Cheesecake Factory, big fucking surprise

Cheesecake Factory is the Worst Restaurant in the World, so it's no surprise they have the Worst Dish: something called a Bistro Shrimp Pasta which sounds innocuous enough but as it turns out has 2,730 calories and 78 grams of saturated fat.

I don't know how you even begin to cram 2 1/2 ounces of saturated fat into one dish. Did they like inject the shrimp with raw fat or something? Or is the pasta actually made out of congealed fat? How do you even do that?

Wanna know why you should never eat at Cheesecake Factory? Go stand outside a Cheesecake Factory sometime and see what the people going in and out look like. QED.

The Board of Supervisors banned the wrong thing. 2 1/2 ounces of saturated fat is a Happy Meal toy for the Morbidly Obese. They should have banned Bistro Shrimp Pasta instead.

[UPDATES I AND II!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

UPDATE I: I just could not stomach (literally, har har) the idea of going to McD's yesterday. Maybe some other day soon. I also have this vague idea for a project where I sit at a 4-way stop intersection in SF and count how many cars come to a full stop at one of the stop signs, but it's going to be like 2% and we all know it and so what's the point. That has nothing to do with any of this.

UPDATE II: A-HA!!!!!! Squid Pro Quo seems to have some objective evidence that kids want Happy Meals only for the toys. This suggests that maybe if you take the toys out, kids won't want Happy Meals. What it also means is that they'll just graduate to Big Macs sooner. That clamshell box is a toy, essentially. Situation remains unresolved.

The 7 Most Annoying People You Will See at Your Office Holiday Party

1. Handsy McBoss

Oh hey, whoa, I know you’re my boss and everything, and yeah, I like you just fine, but you’re kind of putting your arm around me in an uncomfortable way and your breath really smells like Seagram’s 7 and not in a good way and I’m glad that you like me as a person and not just as a member of the team but I sort of need to get away from you right now. I’M GOING TO START SCREAMING THAT YOU’RE GIVING ME A RAPE FLASHBACK IF YOU DON’T LET ME GO oh whew that’s better. Don’t look so sad. It’s me, not you.

2. The Drunkretary

By day, she’s just a normal, if over-made-up, receptionist from Danville or Dublin or one of those “D” suburbs, but tonight is her night to LET SHIT ROAR because them DRINKS IS FREE and WHOOOOO KARAOKEEEEE!!!! She can be spotted hovering near the DJ booth asking for Katy Perry songs and later asking if you like to “party.” SPOILER: You like to party. That’s why you work in a different branch next year.

3. Broseph from Sales

LET’S DO SOME SHOTS BRAH. OK, did some shots. LET’S DO SOME MORE SHOTS. Jesus, Broseph from Sales, how are you still upright? I just know you as the loudmouth who drives an Audi A6 and talks about fantasy football all the time. I’m not sure that I want to be buddies right this second, especially since you seem determined to give out alcohol poisoning instead of STDs, for a change. Where’s the rest of the Alpha Mousse Gang? Why are you still talking to me?

How awesome is this picture? It's from some article about how to act at an American holiday party. I'm not sure I'm 100% down with the implications of this picture vis-a-vis how to act at a holiday party.

4. Married Linda

Your husband sure is out of town a lot, Linda. Yes, as a matter of fact, I have lost a few pounds, but please don’t touch my abdomen any more. Huh, no, I haven’t really thought about where I’m going after the party. Probably just home. Yes, MY home.

5. Bob Who Knows You for One Thing

Remember about a year and a half ago when you went to Chicago to see that girl you don’t even talk to any more? And you happened to mention to Bob that you were going to Chicago? Now every time you see Bob, that’s his only point of reference for you and he’s all “Hey, it’s Mr. Chicago! How’s things in the Windy City? Say, what about those Bears? DA BEARS! HAHAHAHAHAHA.” So you have to smile and nod patiently and explain to Bob that you haven’t really been to Chicago or thought about Chicago since last spring and then he’ll look a little crestfallen and you’ll both stand next to each other watching Sylvia try to dance and awkwardly not talk about anything until you pretend to see someone you know and walk away.

6. Don who is “down” with the African-American guy

So you’re talking to Jason, who happens to be African-American, about what he did on his birthday last week and here comes Don from Accounting and oh no oh no here he goes. “SUP MY BROTHAAAAAA,” he says. Don, you are Don from Accounting, not Snoop Dogg, why are you talking like that? “Not much, not much, just keepin’ it real,” Don says when asked what he’s been up to. If washing your Chevy Astro in your driveway in Rohnert Park is “keepin’ in real,” then yes, you have been keepin’ it real.

7. Nikki Overshare

Nikki’s cute enough I guess and she’s fun to talk to and I don’t see her that often and OH GOD NO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR UTERUS GETTING SCRAPED um maybe I can redirect the conversation to over here about how I saw my family over Thanksgiving and JESUS NO I DID NOT KNOW THAT YOUR UNCLE TOUCHED YOU INAPPROPRIATELY WHEN YOU WERE FIVE AND SWINGING ON HIS SWINGSET. Do I have to reveal something now too? I shoplifted a Penthouse Letters from an airport newsstand once! No I didn’t I just made that up! I have to go now!

Top 5 Things The Wife and I Say to Each Other While Watching Top Chef (Any Iteration)

1. "That guy is such a prick."

2. "Bourdain sure likes himself, doesn't he?"

3. "I would eat the shit out of that."

4. "That looks disgusting."

5. "Oh, Gail. Poor Gail."

So now we have "Top Chef All-Stars," which isn't really All-Stars because none of the actual winners of past seasons are on, just contestants who did well and didn't win. I guess "Top Chef All-Stars" sounds better than "Top Chef Runners-Up." Whatever, I'll watch it. Every season now I think "I've had it with Top Chef, I'm not watching this season," and as soon as I see the first Quickfire Challenge I'm hooked.

Plus, The Wife has a thing for Colicchio (who is known, colloquially, in our house as "Coleek").

(But in all seriousness, we ate at his place Craft in NYC and I shit you not, it was one of the best meals I've ever had. Don't even get me started on the little individual copper kettles of potato gratin.)

(Oh, that brings up the time that I missed my chance to introduce myself to Dave Matthews. He was eating at Craft at the same time we were and then we went outside at the same time and I was waiting for The Wife, who was inside going to the restroom or something and Dave Matthews was talking to his manager or lackey or whatever the guy was and asked him for a cigarette and the flunky didn't have one and I happened to have a whole pack and I was thinking "Man, I should offer Dave Matthews a cigarette" but I didn't and so he didn't get cancer and continues to inflict his "music" on dopey fratboys everywhere.)

Plus, since "Sons of Anarchy" ended I needed to pick up a new show anyway.

And on a somewhat more serious note....

I was reading the obituaries yesterday as is my wont[*] when that very unusual thing happened that sometimes happens - I realized I sort of knew one of the people.

This guy happened to be a bartender at Tosca at a time when I hung out there a lot and was also in a band and so we often talked music when it was slow and he had time to chat. He was a very friendly, super-nice guy who was always totally cool to me. I didn't really know him outside of that situation, but still, it's sobering. He died a week after being diagnosed with melanoma. One week you're here, and the next you're gone. Think about that.

His name was Richie Share. He was kind to me at a point in my life when I needed that. He was a good guy.

[*] Not to sound morbid, but the obituaries have some of the best true stories you'll ever read. Properly done, they're like capsule biographies of people who were, of course, very very famous to the people who knew and loved them but not famous to the rest of us. As it turns out, "normal" people lead extraordinary lives.

I did some marrying this weekend.

My friends Stephen and Jessica got married Saturday, and they thought it would be a good idea to have me perform the wedding. Stephen said they had put a lot of thought into it and finally decided to honor me with this position because I am "tall." So we all went to City Hall and I swore to defend the Constitution against all enemies foreign and domestic and then I *POOF* became a Deputy Marriage Commissioner. I was ready to get some fucking nuptials on.

The actual ceremony was at Stephen's store, Dusty Modern, over on 20th and South Van Ness. Everybody was standing there watching and so I just dove in and warmed up the crowd with a couple of jokes. People laughed because they didn't know what else to do. J&S wrote their won vows because they wanted to have at least one part of the ceremony that I couldn't fuck up. They did a hella good job on that part. But I needed them to wrap it up because I had more good material written.

Anyway, I pronounced them Husband & Wife and whatnot and then we had champagne and then we all (like about 60 of us) tromped on over to Foreign Cinema for food and more booze. Luckily they made arrangements ahead of time but I thought it might be a hoot to walk up to the hostess stand and say "Yeah, we got about 65. How soon can you seat us?" Alas, that opportunity never presented itself.

The reception thing was in this big private room at Foreign Cinema where they were projecting "North by Northwest" on one wall and then everyone had to Google and find out who the female lead is, and SPOILER ALERT it's Eva Marie Saint. Anyway, the food was really good and then everyone gave toasts and I think I did too but I don't remember what I said because I was pretty lit by that point.



I think this is the first dance or something. I don't remember what song it was but it was probably something obscure and not "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston or some Sinatra joint.

(UPDATE: I am informed it was "I'll Come Running" by Brian Eno. That's a nice song.)

That's "Life Aquatic" playing in the background there because "NxNW" ran out. I forgot how much I disliked "Life Aquatic" but luckily you didn't have to pay attention to it if you didn't want to.

At this point I made sure everyone knew that I could still marry people until midnight but nobody seemed into it although my offer did cause one awkward conversation between two members of one couple about Their Relationship. Ahhhh, my work here is done. The we all sat around and talked about how shitty it would be if Tumblr went down for a whole day. No, I'm shitting you. We didn't talk about that. We talked about other things. Like other films de Wes Anderson and Modern Air Travel and the like. Anything you talk about is fun after 6 or 8 glasses of wine.

At that point, people were talking about where to go after but The Wife and I were pretty tired because marrying people takes a lot out of you so we just took a cab home.

It was one of the best weddings I've ever been to. Everybody there was totally cool and nice and S&J are one of those excellent couples that make you think "Man, they're a better couple than [me & my romantic partner]." They're going to totally last longer than Shannen Doherty and Rick Salomon.

Someday soon you will encounter a toddler named Hortense

Take a look at this list of the most popular baby names of 2010. Man, people done give up on Robert and Richard and John and so forth. Now everybody's Ethan and Logan and Spayden and Luther or whatever.

Here's the boys:

Top 10 Boys’ Names of 2010

1. Aiden
2. Jacob
3. Jackson
4. Ethan
5. Jayden
6. Noah
7. Logan
8. Caden
9. Lucas
10. Liam

First of all, when I think "Liam," I naturally think Liam Gallagher, so it's amusing to me that there's a whole crop of alcoholic, hard-partying, abrasive, self-important babies out there writing the same song over and over again.

Why is everyone so crazy about the "ade" sound in names? Aiden, Jayden, Caden, that kind of thing. And seriously, "Jayden"? You have got to be kidding me. That sounds ridiculous. Maybe it's cute for a toddler, but can you imagine sitting down with a thoracic surgeon who says "Hi, I'm Dr. Jayden Smith."

(Oh, check this out. On the full Top 100 list we've also got "Brayden" and "Hayden." Brayden? Really?)

(I do like #77-80: Sebastian, Xavier, Ian and Miles. They co-own a high-end salon in Miami Beach, obvs.)

"Jackson" is one of those names parents give their kid hoping he'll be tough. You don't mess with Jackson. Jackson steals his Dad's Marlboro 100s and knows how to hot-wire cars.

Ethan's not bad, I guess. A little bookish. Noah, what? Noah is the fat kid who sits in the back and never gets to go on the field trips because he forgot to take the permission slip home. He's super-into "Magic: The Gathering."

How are the chicks doing?

Top 10 Girls’ Names of 2010

1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Olivia
4. Emma
5. Chloe
6. Ava
7. Lily
8. Madison
9. Addison
10. Abigail

Look out, we've got a garden party from 1922. Seriously, Sophia is #1? Old lady names sure got big, huh? I bet you there's also a ton of little girls named Mabel and Ethel and Rose wandering around. In 3 years, preschool classes are going to sound like an episode of "The Golden Girls" or like the staff of a diner in 1956.

(#70 is "Cadence." Again with the "ade" thing. Plus, you know "cadence" is already a noun with a specific meaning, right? Were you shooting for "Candace" and missed?)

It's all good, though. Variety, spice of life, etc. When I was a kid all the girls were either Jennifer or Amy or something that ends in -acy (or, God forbid, -aci), so at least Ava and Olivia are classing up the joint a little.