The Heart and Sol of Cringeworthy Marketing

Please don a vomitproof garment before gazing on this promotional flyer from Colliers, marketing the uber hip new Vida development on Mission Street, "The Heart and Sol of San Francisco."

Distressingly, it appears that in the future, movies will consist solely of Iron Man and Harold & Kumar sequels, along with repeated showings of "Gatsby" and "Star Wars."  Even the thinkfluencers of the Vida will eventually see their brains necrotize and rot after the 58th viewing of Iron Man 4.

This flyer appears to be an attempt to lure a business into the GROUND ! FLOOR! RETAIL! of the Vida.  It has the cheery cluelessness common to real estate agents and marketing execs.

Hoo boy.  Yes, we do love our "avante garde" theaters [sic] in the Mission, this "uber cool dinning [sic] and shopping destination."  As soon as a real estate brochure labels your neighborhood "uber cool," it is officially over.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.

"The Mission has been a beacon for all things 'tech' since the 1990's."

WHY YES THAT'S TRUE.

Mission Yuppie Eradication Project, c. 1998, via FoundSF.org

"Heavily populated by programmers, Facebook and Google have added multiple shuttle lines to Mission Street over the last two years, and estimates that after the Marina, it contain the largest population of its employees in San Francisco."

I'm starting to be won over by the dogged refusal to use proper grammar or spelling.  Anyway, you've gotta love the utter disregard for anything that's actually been happening in the Mission in the past 4 or 5 years.  And the explicit call-back to the Marina?  Now that Plumpjack's bought the Lex, nothing's impossible!  LULULEMONS FOR EVERYONE!!  WHOOOO!!!  I LOVE THE MISSION!!!

The Bachelor: You fucked up, dude

We seem to have found ourselves in Bali, which is odd for this season because it's not in the Rust Belt and doesn't appear to be a featureless wasteland.  ABC sure saving the money this year though because even the resort doesn't look as swank as they usually do. Three and a half, four TripAdvisor circles tops.

First date is with Kaitlyn and poor Kaitlyn's hair has fought the good fight but has been utterly vanquished by Bali.  They're heading into some temple which features a statue of my corner store guy when someone takes too much change out of the Leave a Penny cup.

There's some walking around Bali which actually looks a little rundown tbh and then they're OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE'S MONKEYS ALL OVER ME OH GOD MAKE IT STOP oh wait I guess it's supposed to be like that?  Fuck that.  The only primate I want crawling all over me is Kaitlyn.  LOVE YA GIRL.

Outdoor dinner in a faux jungle temple setting of some kind.  K has a "weird fear of loss from my last relationship" but she keeps picking skin or something off her lips and that's giving me a weird fear myself.  Anyway blah blah blah and it's OFF TO THE FANTASY SUITE with a bathtub full of cherry Jell-O.  "It's rose petals," The Wife says.  Oh.  Farmer is "excited about the potential they have" which hopefully involves full-body antiperspirant because brosef is sweating like a fat man in a sauna.

Day 2.  While Kaitlyn walks of shame Farmer is off to meet Baby Voice at the docks.  Apparently Baby Voice can't hug anyone without jumping on them and wrapping her legs around them which must be supes awkward at family reunions.  They're off for some wine boating and face mashing and Baby Voice spends the whole time explaining why her sister is such a fucking bitch and WHOA girlfriend's got some serious rugburns on those knees.  Did she already Fantasy Suite with someone?

Doesn't matter, he's not listening to anything she's saying anyway.  Their outdoor dinner is at a slightly nicer resort.  Farmer's all worried that BV won't want to live in Abandoned Hellscape, Iowa, but she's all no problem!  I'll just quit my job that I've wanted my whole life and move to Depression Junction and squeeze out as many puppies as you want!  You're an inspiration for women everywhere, BV.  Off to the Fantasy Suite with you.

Day 3 with the Virg.  There's some boring walking around rural Bali and they drop in on the village psychic who big surprise tells them they should hit it tonight, so he's not really that good at psychicing.  Farmer says "No matter what we do it's gonna be fun" but THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, SWEAT LODGE.  Their outdoor dinner is the same place as last night.  There's a lot of talk.  Are all virgins this boring?  She's also wearing a dress last seen on an episode of Three's Company.  Meanwhile he's sweating like Albert Brooks in Broadcast News.  Oh, here comes the Fantasy Suite card.  Virg voiceovers "He doesn't know he's going into the Fantasy Suite with a virgin."  Doesn't have to come out with one VA VA VOOM!!!!  Anyway, off to the FS where she breaks the bad news and he says "GET THE FUCK OUT" no I'm totally shitting you, he says he respects that, which is what you have to say.  The shitty thing is now he HAS to keep her or he'll look like a total dick who dumped her just because she's a virgin.

The next day.  Farmer stares meaningfully at the ocean, as required.  He is confused and this calls for a sit-down with Chris Harrison, who does not seem to suffer from the Bali Flop Sweats like Farmer.  They have a long talk about something, I don't know, I kinda zoned out at this part and then looked at my phone for a while.

Day 5?  7?  A milllion? Who cares.  The Rose Cer is going to be at the Most Sacred Temple in Bali where no touching is allowed so it's perfect for the Virgin.  Baby Voice has taken on an odd hue that does not go well with her coral lipstick.  Oh, wait, Farmer has to go have a private chat with the Virg but instead of dumping her like a sane and normal person he drags her back out.  Of course Baby Voice gets the first rose.  Then  the Virg, duh, just like I said.  You fucked up real bad dude.  He escorts Kait to the Crying Boxy Minivan where she actually has her shit together pretty well.  Farmer uses his ABC-issued sweatpad to try and blot up some of the rivers of sweat as she pulls away.  This is dumb.

Girl Scout cookies, ranked

10. (Tie) Cranberry Citrus Crisps/Rah Rah Raisins

"Cranberry Citrus Crisps" sounds suspiciously healthy.  Oh, it's "filled with 9 grams of whole grain!"  So it IS healthy.  NICE TRY GIRL SCOUTS.  You know what I'm not filled with?  Fucking Cranberry Citrus Crisps.

Rah Rah Raisins are just oatmeal raisin cookies but with yogurt chunks in them.  Why you gotta mess up a perfectly good oatmeal raisin cookie by putting yogurt chunks in it?

DISCLAIMER: I've never actually eaten either one of these, but I've never eaten compost before either and I can tell that wouldn't taste good.

9. Trefoils

Those hard little shortbread things.  There's nothing wrong with them, I guess, they're just boring.  They're the The Economist of cookies.

8. Lemonades

Trefoils, but tarted up with some lemon icing.  I see what you did there, Lemonades, and you're not fooling anyone.

7. Thanks-a-Lot

Trefoils, but with fudge on the bottom, and an "embossed 'Thank You' in English, French, Chinese, Swahili or Spanish." You can act like you're the Model U.N. of cookies, Thanks-a-Lots, but we know you're just Trefoils with a tan.

6. (Tie) Toffee-tastic/Trios

Of course there was going to be gluten free Girl Scout cookies.  I picked up a box of Toffee-tastics after my dealer chirpily told me "I tried them and I was surprised!  They're not bad!"  Girl was right, they're not bad, but you only get a single sleeve because only rich people have the time and money to be allergic to gluten.

I don't know anything about Trios.

5. Do-si-dos

Now we're getting into the money cookies.  Do-si-dos are peanut butter sandwich cookies not unlike Nutter Butters I guess.  They're good - certainly better than anything Trefoil-based, you can be sure - but maybe a little dry?

4. Samoas

The caramel and coconut ones.  They've been kicking ass and taking names since my little sister was a Girl Scout and she's in her 30's now.  Samoas are never not good.

3. Savannah Smiles

As far as we know, not named after either the Okkervil River song or delightful 1982 family comedy, these lemon-flavored sugar-dusted half-moons go down smoother than 12 year old scotch.  They should be called SAVANNAH FUCKING KICKS ASS instead of Savannah Smiles.

2. Tagalongs

Peanut butter coated in chocolate has been done - I see you there, Reese's - but Tagalongs benefit from a crunchy cookie base.  Get on our level, Reese's, or shut your damn mouth.

1. Thin Mints

BOW DOWN MOTHERFUCKERS.  You are in the presence of greatness.  Do  people take a nightmarish 12-hour flight to Paris and then put up with the French because the Mona Lisa is just a good painting?  No, they do it because it's the best.  Why does everyone buy Thin Mints?  Because Thin Mints makes every other cookie look like hot garbage.  Elegant in its simplicity, perfect in design, Thin Mints is as pure an expression of American exceptionalism as tractor rodeo.  Accept no substitutes.

The Bachelor: n00dz

It's Night 2 of our Special Two Night Event/Painful Slog and we're still in Des Moines and going on a solo date with Becca who "likes to take things slow" OR NOT AT ALL I GUESS RIGHT HUH WINK WINK.  They sit around and talk about how she's never been in love before.  Whatever.  Back at the hotel, SparklyBritt is leaving! Oh wait, no she's not.  Oh, wait, she is.  What the fuck?  I guess they can't fix her roots in Des Moines and she needs to see her hair team back in LA.  They're about to start the Rose Cer and Britt needs to talk and everyone is SO MAD.  I think she wants him to beg her to stay or something but he gives her the "I'll walk you out" which I wish you could use to end any relationship.  Like, instead of a protracted and annoying divorce you could just get up off the couch and go "I'll walk you out" and that would be it.

Anyway, your Final 4 is Baby Voice, Virgin II, the Pornstar, and Kaitlyn.  Sorry, Carly's Eyebrows.  That's what you get for snitching.  She gives a pretty good Crying Limo performance about how her family will see her "really sad again, like they always do." God, why such a downer, Carly?

Time for hometown dates.  Literally ANY PLACE in America will be less depressing than Farmer's hometown.  First we're off to Shreveport Louisiana, where Becca has some kind of Stevie Nicks of the Playground thing going on.

Becca's got a Nancy Grace-style Mom and a sister who looks like a guy dressed up as Becca.  Sis basically says Becca is a passionless husk who will never want to do a sex with a man.  Nancy Grace and Farmer head downstairs and what, are they running a gym in the basement?

Mom says she's never seen Becca holding hands with anyone, so maybe Sis was right.  Wait, it is just now dawning on me that Becca still hasn't told him she's a fucking virgin!  Oh man, this is going to be the best Fantasy Suite ever.  They head over to the ferris wheel at the LA State Fair and there are probably people who have literally lost their virginity on the ferris wheel at the LA State Fair but not tonight.

Next, Baby Voice in Chicago, or actually a featureless suburb.  Off to the fertility clinic where Baby Voice works and there's an uncomfortable moment when it appears that she and a coworker are going to have Farmer ejaculate into a cup but that seems more like Jade's territory!  WACKA WACKA.  Then over to BV's sister's place where sister sensibly refuses to bless the potential TV union until BV's the last one standing.  Good for you, sis.

Off to Phoenix to meet Kaitlyn who said she was Canadian? Oh, her family lives there in the winter.  Obama can't control the border!  For some reason they go to a recording studio and record a rap song. I guess the producers drew that out of a hat.  It's basically the whitest thing since fruit suspended in Jello.  Over at K's family casa, we learn that Mom is very protective of Kaitlyn since her "last experience."  Yikes!  Cheating or beating, one of the two, I bet.

Time for Jade in Gehring, Nebraska, which looks like the Vegas strip compared to Arlington.  Here we meet Dad, Dad's fiancee, and Mom.  Dad's fiancee is probably a hairstylist who exacted an awful revenge on Mom.  There's also a chinbeard brother and EVERYONE is just fucking DYING to tell Farmer about the porn but don't.  Chinbeard, though, says that Jade is a "wild mustang" even though he's not an Old West saloonkeeper so I don't know.  OK, time to fess up.  They check into a seedy motel with a laptop and she beats around the bush so to speak for a while and then breaks the news and then shows him the goods!  This is the face of a man looking at his date's naked body:

This is where I'd be CANCEL THE REST OF THE SHOW WE ARE GETTING FUCKING MARRIED but Farmer's pretty chill.

Back in Iowa for the Rose Ceremony and guess who gets cut?  That's what you get for being honest, Jade. Next time take a hint from Becca and withhold, withhold, withhold.

Next week, we're finally GOING SOMEWHERE.

The Bachelor: Arlington, Where Hopelessness and Suicide Meet!

First off, let me say there was an hour-long clip show or something I will not be addressing because fuck you have to be kidding me plus it just looked like it was 30 minutes of The Widow Kelsey dissembling and 30 minutes of former Bachelorette Andi on a wicked crying jag.  Fuck that.

So we're still in fucking Deadwood like we are going to die in this cowboy Jersey shore.  Megan the Simple corners Farmer to ask him a very important question.  What is the sun.  No, it's actually what does he think about her.  I guess not much because suddenly she's leaving and now she'll never find out where babies come from.  There's supposed to be a Rose Ceremony anyway but Farmer cancels it because next WE'RE GOING TO IOWA and if he's going then by God every one of you has to go too.  Man, these chicks probably watched old seasons where every week was like ICELAND! PARIS! INDIA! and this season it's SOUTH DAKOTA! IOWA! A GAS STATION BATHROOM!  They got rooked but they still have to say bullshit like "Iowa is so pretty" and "Oh my God," I shit you not, to footage of pigeons.

OH MY GOD IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL

Solo date with Jade in Farmer's hometown!  Holy shit, Farmer's hometown is a Dorothea Lange picture but more depressing.  Oh look, it's the town sign!

Well, I guess "Where hills and prairie meet" is better than "Hellish Moonscape of Despair."  After a quick tour of Farmer's house, which looks like one of the places they don't pick on "House Hunters," it's off to downtown Arlington, a bleak nightmare of boarded-up stores and nothingness.  That night, they go to a football game at Farmer's old school and then after the crowd chants "Kiss! Kiss!" and these are their primitive mating rites in Arlington. Luckily we're not here for the "Kill! Kill!" ceremony.

Solo date with Baby Voice in the compared to Arlington vibrant metropolis of Des Moines.  "Des Moines has a real metropolitan feel to it," Farmer says, which means he saw a brown person there once.  They go to an "art gallery" and are so moved by the experience they spend the rest of the day taking snaps of each other.  DES MOINES: FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!!!!!

Meanwhile the rest of the chix decide to road trip to Arlington and check out their potential nightmarish future and they're wooing like they're going to Cabo instead of a Walking Dead set.  Their reactions when they actually get there are pretty priceless tbh and they have the vacant expressions of Vietnam vets who saw things you can't imagine, man.

HUMOROUS AND TRUE IOWA SIDENOTE: Whilst texting last night with a friend whose brother went to college in Iowa, we were unbelievably pleased to learn that friend's brother's first year roommate in Iowa hadn't seen an ESCALATOR until he was 17 years old.  MOVING STAIRS!!!! WHAT SORCERY IS THIS!!!! Iowa.

Back in Des Moines, we meet Farmer's three best friends, who look like they enjoy cigars and racism.  They're out at some bar and fuck, after Arlington, Des Moines looks like the Lower East Side.  Baby Voice wants to talk about her "family dynamic" which is that her Mom's dead and she isn't in contact with her Dad.  That's sad!  Maybe he got eaten by zombies in Arlington.  She's looking for someone with great parents because she doesn't have any and wants some!  Back off, lady!  I'm still using these ones!

Jade can no longer carry the weight of her Dark Secret and decides to unburden herself to Carly's Eyebrows.  She did some nude modeling for Playboy!  BFD, Jade.  Playboy is tamer than Chuck E Cheese.  Call me when you do Hustler or your name is an autofill on Redtube.

Group date with Britt, Carly's Eyebrows, and Kaitlyn.  There's about 10 seconds of ice skating and then Britt tells Farmer with a straight face that she "felt alive" in Arlington which I guess so because you were literally the only person there.  Carly's Eyebrows ain't having it and she blows Britt up to Farmer and tells him that Britt DID NOT FEEL ALIVE AT ALL in Arlington THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Later there's a lot of blah blah blah with Kaitlyn and Britt.  Britt is very upset about not being in First Place!  Kaitlyn nervously hides behind whiskey.  I like Kaitlyn.

It just ends.  No one gets kicked off.  Tonight it's on again.  It's the Most Dramatic Episode ever, probably.

HEADLINES ARE ALWAYS MISLEADING!!!! I mean, don't believe everything you read.

Have you heard about MEASLES PARTIES!!!??!!  It's all the rage in clueless Marin County, where Uber-privileged parents who refuse to vaccinate their children are INTENTIONALLY exposing them to measles so they'll get the disease and be done with it!

It made for a great story because it played on a current fear (measles spreading as a result of non-vaccinated kids) and allowed us to look down on a privileged group (dopey Marin parents who don't vaccinate).

It smelled like bullshit from the beginning to me.  Here's the Ur-story where it all started, "Health Officials Discourage ‘Measles Parties’."  And here's our key section:

She was approached recently by a friend who knew her kids were unvaccinated. The friend offered to help set up a play date with another child who was sick.

“She said, ‘I know someone who has the measles, would you like to be connected with them?’” Schiffman said.

That's it.  The "reporter" made no effort to contact this mysterious "friend" or otherwise verify this story.  Instead, she just ran with it.  Measles parties!  Makes for a great story.  Of course it all turned out to be BS.

In other PANIC!!!!! news, there was this tweet from SF Weekly:

Yikes! Hemlock Tavern's days may be numbered http://t.co/JKo3b5EX83
— SF Weekly (@SFWeekly) February 10, 2015

I guess all our days are numbered, so it's not really news.  Eventually the Sun will expand to envelop our planet and the Hemlock and every other venue will host its last show.  But for a music scene reeling from the loss of venue after venue, this seemed like terrible news!  Unless you read the article.

Anthony Bedard, the Hemlock's longtime booker (not to mention a staple of the city's punk scene and the man behind the genius Twitter account Folder Rock) echoed that statement in an email to SF Weekly. "The Hemlock has an ironclad lease that runs through the summer of 2021," he wrote. "After that, it's within the realm of possibility that the building owner may opt to not renew our lease." 

So the Hemlock itself foresees ongoing live music into 2021.  But I guess "Yikes! Hemlock Tavern may only have live music for the next 6 years" isn't as catchy a headline.

On a lighter note, and not to mercilessly rag on SF Weekly, but this:

Only in San Francisco: A doggie fashion show http://t.co/6GRdu9i0Hr
— SF Weekly (@SFWeekly) February 9, 2015

"Only in San Francisco" used to mean something. Like when you saw something so outrageous or unconventional you couldn't imagine it existing in any other city.  Like, "Oh, I'm off to my Vegan Polyamorous Texas Hold 'Em Meditation Group." "Only in San Francisco!"

A doggie fashion show is the opposite of "Only in San Francisco."  Not because it's so normie it makes clip-on earrings look like scarrification, but because they have doggie fashion shows in Pittsburgh, PA, Scottsdale, AZ, Providence RI, Somerville, Massacusetts, and probably any other city with at least two Pomeranians and two crazy people who like to dress them up.  A tech douche fashion show might be "Only in San Francisco," but a doggie fashion show most certainly is not.

The Bachelor: Badlands, or Worst Lands?

Was it just me, or was this episode boring as fuck?  I mean, we all put up with a lot to watch this shit, but this one really seemed to drag for some reason.  Anyway, we pick up in media res with The Widow Kelsey collapsed on the floor, suffering from a seemingly fatal case of crazy bitch.  Medics (Australian, I think - is there some reason why every reality show is contractually obligated to use Australian medics?) huddle around, trying to pump sane juice into her.  Sadly, she lives and returns to the Girl Cave cackling madly and talking about brownies.

So now we have a Rose Ceremony up top!  It's like going through a car wash backwards.  Teen Mom and Who The Fuck Is Samantha are out.  Samantha, we hardly knew ye.  Good luck in your new location.

We have unquestionably run out of locations to visit because we're going to Deadwood, South Dakota.  Oh, for a Deadwood/Bachelor crossover so I can hear Al Swearingen telling Kaitlyn that the only motherfucking reason to live is to make sure that other fucking cocksucker dies.  ABC has also run out of hotel budget because the girls are staying in a Holiday Inn with a corrugated steel exterior that looks like it was just flown in from Guantanamo.

What a fucking dump.  Anyway, one on one date with Becca, who looks like she played softball in college and orders her lingerie from J. Crew.  Unbelievably, she says she's never ridden a horse.  That is a bunch of bullshit, Becca.  There's some outdoor shit and horseback riding and a campfire and I don't know how she's going to eat that kebab because she never fully opens her mouth.  Farmer hits her with his usual "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" question and she says "Heading up the entire East Coast region!"  Not really.  I don't know what she said but I'm sure it was boring.  They have a long sleep-inducing conversation about feelings and I can tell she's a virgin because she wants 4-6 kids.

Group date!  These fillies are going to write some country music, aided by a park bench hobo and a carpet salesman wearing a cowboy hat.

Oh, it's famous country music people Big & Rich.  I like the bum looking one, he seems like he's drunk the whole time.  There's a lot of nothing and then Farmer gets up to sing.  He sounds like a Downs kid doing karaoke.  Of course Cruise Ship Carly sees this as her *BIG* *MOMENT* and does a full single spotlight ballad.  Then her eyebrows leap off and perform "La Cucaracha" to a mostly disinterested room.

Day turns to night and we're still hanging around this bar.  Just between you and me, Deadwood appears to be such a fucking tourist hole it makes Myrtle Beach look like Brussels.  Jade says she can see herself being in Iowa but she's from LA and she's thinking Field of Dreams instead of existential boredom and corn.  Farmer grabs SparklyBritt and they run off to a Big & Rich show, which is Britt's "virgin country music experience" like she's just desperate to have something virgin about her.  There's some rose thing and B&R play their carefully calibrated corporate rock/country.  They're like Kid Rock without the edge.  When they go back to the rest of the chix, everyone is SO MAD.  At least Baby Voice manages to squeak out that she's "here for the right reasons," so it's not a total loss.

Let's get to tonight's Main Event, the Widow Kelsey vs. Virgin I Cage Match of Death!!!!!!!  Everyone hops into a helicopter and flies over Mount Rushmore.  Virgin "literally with this can't even" and that might be the most coherent thing she's said so far.  Anyway, they land in some Badlands where there just happens to be a canopy bed and the whole thing looks like a Pink Floyd album cover.  Virgin puts Kels on blast and tells Farmer how everyone just hates her so much.  Natch Farmer immediately snitches her out to Kels, who sadly doesn't kill the Virgin.  Everyone cries.  Virgin would be a good match for anyone looking for an emotional Costa Concordia who needs psychiatric treatment if she gets a raspberry filling chocolate from the See's candy mix.  In the smartest move of the season, Farmer kicks them both off and that's it for this week.

Next week we're probably going to Bloomington Indiana, the way things are going so far.

New Bar Night: Patriot House, Hopwater

I love Bar Rescue, and I had heard that they were in town a while back trolling for a Bar to Rescue.  (Hilariously, they tried to hit up Shotwell's, which is doing just fine, TYVM.)  So when I learned courtesy of Inside Scoop that they had worked their magic on the Holding Company, you knew I would assemble a team to take a look.

If you worked anywhere around the Embarcadero Center from the 80's on, you probably had been to the Holding Company at some point, a featureless, fairly dark bar whose best days always seemed in the past and had such a ridiculous Gordon Gekko-type name that it just oozed Business Douche.

Anyway, Jon Taffer et al. presumably arrived and transformed the space into something much more current, much more San Francisco-centric, like....

Patriot House.  What the fuck.

That's right, the colonial Founding Fathers-themed bar you didn't know you wanted.  I can't figure out what the fuck motivated the Bar Rescue team to go all Paul Revere on Embarcadero 2, but I guess we'll find out in April when the episode airs.  Stephen has his theories:

@40goingon28 @periqueblend "We planned on using this menu in exurban Boston, but never got around to it."
— Stephen (@EamesEra) January 22, 2015

Makes as much sense as anything else, I guess.

We got there around 5:45 on a Friday and it was SLAMMED, although I would venture a guess that even bad old Holding Company would be slammed at 5:45 on a Friday.  It's still dark and hotel-bar-looking, but with more patriotic geegaws and portraits of Madison and crap.  It took forever to get a drink, but we finally did.

I had the "Taft's Crowd Pleaser" with gin, lemon juice, orgeat, orange flower water, and grated nutmeg.  I think the lemon and the orange flower water didn't like each other because it tasted like an undifferentiated glass of sweet.  Olu had the "Blue Whiskey Van" with Dickel white corn whiskey, lemon juice, and blue curacao.  It looked like it would be the perfect drink for a Continental Congress Sping Break Ba$h but Olu said he liked it.  It tasted like a Sweet Tart to me.  We switched to beer.

The menu's here; we got the sliders and the nachos, which both had calories.  Olu pointed out that they missed a big opportunity by not trying to tie ALL the food descriptions to historical figures.  Not sure what Franklin Pierce had to do with smashed potatoes, but they really missed the boat by not going with the "General Antonio López de Santa Anna Nachos."

The crowd was off-the-shelf Fleece N Checked Shirt.  At one point there was a group of 6 guys waiting  for a table all wearing black North Face and with the same haircut and how do you guys even tell each other apart?  We finally flagged someone down for the check and booked.

Then we took a cab up to Nob Hill and went to Hopwater Distribution, one of two beer bars in the Union Square area that recently opened and appear to be so close in concept and name there is no way not to get them confused.  (The other is apparently called Hogwash and is 2 blocks away and its Facebook page is full of grinning blondes and dudes holding up big beers WHOOOOO.)  Anyway, Hopwater was also jam-packed (again, Friday, duh) with another crowd of young thinkfluencers.  Seriously, the M-F ratio must have been like 10:1.  There was nowhere to stand and everyone was braying about apps.  "The one good thing about this bar is that it smells like french fries," Alissa said.  We had one beer and went across the the street to The Summer Place, which was ALSO unaccountably packed. Maybe I'm getting too old for this shit.  The end.

The Bachelor: Isn't my hair amazing? I mean my story. Isn't my story amazing.

Good morning, fellow farmers!  We have arrived in Santa Fe, because over 20 seasons we've now exhausted all the real cities and are bottom of the barreling it in New Mexico.  But it's good news for Megan the Simple, who's "never been out of the country!"  Oh, Megan.  Here, I got these blocks for you.  Anyway, we're staying at the picturesque Buffalo Thunder Casino, which looks like when Pier 1 went through their Southwest phase.  Also, what the fucking fuck, Buffalo Thunder?

Buffalo Thunder has obviously never been to a casino, because alcoholic beverages on the casino floor is basically the RAISON FUCKING D'ETRE of casinoing.  How the fuck you gonna keep car dealership finance managers playing $10 blackjack without watered down G&Ts?

Anyway.  Solo date with Carly, the "cruise ship singer" who is about as sexy as Dora the Explorer.  They go to some house and there's a transient camped out by the pool and instead of shooing her away with a broom they sit down to whatever the fuck this is:

I guess the T is silent probably.  There's some sage burning and mystical shit and then it's time to GET FUCKING BUCK which sucks for Carly because she's "terrified of physical intimacy."  Not a good look for the fantasy suite, Carly!  There's some Conscious Disrobing like it's My First Porn Shoot and then breathing into each other's mouths and I hope nobody got the garlic schmear for breakfast.

The Night Portion is basically just champagne in a hotel room because ABC has given up on dinner.  Oh, here's Carly's story.  Her last BF wouldn't touch her!  Wait, was he a "cruise ship singer" too?  Because I may know why, Carly.  Farmer nods a lot and thinks Carly is "cool and smart," which is how you might describe your second favorite sibling.  Then some closed mouth kissing which probably feels like a Wesson oil orgy on ecstasy to Carly.  Poor Carly.

Today's Group Date is whitewater rafting, which looks more like brownwater rafting to me.  Too bad Jillian's not here to carry the boats downriver in her teeth!  The first time water splashes into the raft Jade falls out and she has a "condition" where her "body goes into hypothermia at like normal temperatures it shouldn't."  WebMD says this is definitely CANCER, Jade, so you are fucked.

The sun has set.  Jade's "condition" has rendered her a vegetable who can only blink her lame attempts at flirting.  BUT WAIT WHO'S THIS?  Our favorite tequila receptacle, Jordan!  She's somehow sobered up but not enough to put on makeup.  She wants back in!  HELL YEAH THERE'S BOOZE LEFT.  Now J's drinking lemon water and not making any friends.  After consulting with the chix, Farmer says nope to Jordan.  You'll have to buy your own drinks now, Jordan.  Also, Jordan claims to be 24?  Not a fucking chance, sweetie.

Meanwhile Carly tells us that Sparkle Princess Britt hasn't been showering?  Maybe that explains the dreadlog on her head.

Farmer comes to wake her up at 4:30 but she's wearing full makeup despite smelling like the 24 Hour Fitness on Van Ness.  They're going hot air ballooning and Britt seems to have already forgotten her fear of heights, because sadly she doesn't freak out or have seizures.  It's beautiful and magical and Britt wants "a hundred kids" so maybe's she's a chinchilla.  Same size and build, anyway.

The Widow Kelsey has decided to tell her story!  She reveals that she was married to Sanderson Poe, which was apparently a person and not a law firm, who died of heart something, maybe "congestive heart failure"?  She can't really remember.  The whole thing seems a little made up, actually.  Maybe she's totally Gone Girling this.  Oh wait, spoiler.  She does actually say "Isn't my story amazing?" which is great because it's a good way to tell if someone is a psychopath.

Shit is getting fucking REAL now because Farmer's too emotional for the Cocktail Party and sends Chris Harrison in to tell the chix his mind is made up and we'll just go straight to the Rose Ceremony.  For some inexplicable reason, this causes The Widow Kelsey to collapse in the hallway.

NEXT WEEK: We'll find out if "congestive heart failure" is contagious.