Friday, November 16, 2012

Urban etiquette: Let's go to the grocery store!

It's almost Thanksgiving!  That means record numbers of Americans will enter a grocery store.  Or something.  I mean, a lot of Americans go grocery shopping every week.  Like me.  Here are some tips to help you be less of an asshole while you're buying dry goods and/or Nutella.

1. Your dog doesn't want to go grocery shopping with you.

I love dogs!  I have one.  Everyone I know has one or two.  They're the San Francisco version of children.  They're especially San Francisco because you can bring them into some bars.  Anyway, your dog doesn't want to go grocery shopping with you, so don't bring him/her.  I swear, I see a lot more dogs in grocery stores these days.  I'm starting to get used to it, which is worrying.  If you need me to explain to you why you shouldn't bring your dog grocery shopping, we have already given up as a society.

Look at the dog! With his little shopping cart! That's ridiculous. (Photo stolen from Darf Blog.)


2. Hey bitch, you're blocking the aisle with your cart while you mindlessly jabber away on your cell phone

This phenomenon, part of the broader problem of inconsiderate cell phone use, seems to be more prevalent at - HERE COMES A SHOCKER - the Marina Safeway, in my experience.  Anyway, try to be at least a little mindful of the people around you? Okay?  We can't see the Smuckers selection through you.

3. I am a real person with thoughts and feelings

True story: I am at the Church & Market Safeway selecting red peppers when a guy LITERALLY gets DIRECTLY in front of me and starts manhandling all the peppers.  Like I was Patrick Swayze in Ghost.  At first I thought he was joking and then I was just like "I'M NOT IN YOUR WAY AM I" and he looked up all startled but even this little bit of Public Shaming didn't deter him from his Rude Pepper Grasping. 

So if someone is looking at some produce you want to look at too, WAIT FOR THEM TO MOVE AND THEN YOU CAN LOOK AT PRODUCE NEXT.  Fuck.

4. I gather there are all kinds of different rules transgressions at Rainbow, but I practice basic hygiene and eat meat like a normal person so I never go there

If you have some juicy Rainbow breach of etiquette stories, post them in the comments, hippie.

5. The Whole Foods at Franklin and California is a vortex of misery and general dickish behavior.  Don't ever go there.

6. Here's the big one: 15 ITEMS OR FEWER

You know who you are, you evil little shit.  You count all boxed goods as one item or you think "Eh, 16, close enough."  NOT CLOSE ENOUGH.  Here's the rule: if it's all in one container, it's one item.  Otherwise, it is MULTIPLE ITEMS.  12 apples in a bag?  Cool bro, one item.  4 cans of Dinty Moore beef stew?  FOUR ITEMS. 

Needless to say, if you get in the 15-or-less line with more than 15 items, you are irredeemably evil and there is no place for you in society.  Quit your job and go live under an overpass with the other sex offenders, you writhing piece of human garbage.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: As is our wont this time of year, we are off to the Old Country on Monday to Thanksgive with the extended fam.  Blogging may be sporadic.  In the meantime, enjoy the Thanksgiving Schedule I threw up in 2010 and which is still mostly true except I don't think we drink as much anymore.  The Wife sure doesn't, what with the foetus and all!  Anyway, have a nice whatever it is you do.

8 comments:

papercutsurvivor said...

Last time I was at Rainbow I saw a woman with a beagle. And they played two different versions of "Is This Love" IN A ROW.

But as a former Berkeley Bowl shopper, I find that a trip to Rainbow is like going to a day spa in comparison.

GG said...

My problem with Rainbow is not with the other shoppers, but with the cashiers. They REFUSE to lift a finger to do anything. This actually happened to me recently:
1) I put my hand-basket with like 5 items in it on the conveyor belt as I juggle my backpack and wallet to dig out my reusable bag and money.
2) The cashier says, "I'm gonna need you to empty your basket." This is while I literally have my wallet in my teeth and am holding stuff in both hands.
3) He stands there, doing NOTHING, as I juggle my stuff to free up a hand and take the items out of the basket, one at a time, and place them right next to the basket on the conveyor belt.
4) I grab the basket off the belt and put it on the floor. He says, "Actually, I need you to put your basket over there" (points).
5) I have to hand it to the shopper behind me, since she's now blocking the DESIGNATED BASKET AREA, and she puts it down.
6) I can finally rejuggle my items to pay before packing them myself in my reusable bag, since god knows the cashiers refuse to do that too.
The cashier literally just stood there doing nothing the entire time. I'm sorry I didn't think to cheerfully say, "Oh, I'm SO SORRY! I didn't realize that both of your arms were broken."
 

Nikki said...

Store employees need some etiquette lessons as well...

After work hours is basically the supermarket equivalent of rush hour so probably not the best time to start stocking the shelves. Take care of that by 3pm and then man the registers or be around to help people find things. I went to Trader Joe's once and it was impossible to get to any of the produce or cheese shelves because they were completely blocked by employees. When I finally asked the cheese lady if I could get in there, she looked at me like I was out of my mind. I feel like sometimes they forget that the purpose of their establishment is to sell items to people like me and in order to do this, I need to be able to access said item.

FineWashable said...

Two weeks ago at the Safeway in Portrero (which never has enough shopping carts EVER), someone stole my shopping cart.

At first, I was thinking, oh someone made a mistake and thought it was their cart (which I've done), but no. They took my damn groceries out of my cart, placed them on the floor and stole my cart.

Seriously. It then took me 10 minutes (I'm not exaggerating) to find a new cart in the parking lot.

I never considered that this kind of ass-hatness would exist.

FineWashable said...

Two weeks ago at the Safeway in Portrero (which never has enough shopping carts EVER), someone stole my shopping cart.

At first, I was thinking, oh someone made a mistake and thought it was their cart (which I've done), but no. They took my damn groceries out of my cart, placed them on the floor and stole my cart.

Seriously. It then took me 10 minutes (I'm not exaggerating) to find a new cart in the parking lot.

I never considered that this kind of ass-hatness would exist.

Tamagosan said...

Because I am always a little nervous I might just fly off the handle at any Rude Pepper Grasping-type behavior, I have to go to any grocery store on very off-hours, with no time constraints and with a pre-determined mantra of compassion. That usually starts with a good long disdainful stare and image of how terrible that person's life must be... That's compassion and not smug passive-aggression, right? A muscle relaxer would also work, except I'm usually either biking or walking the dog there (where he waits OUTSIDE, free to be pet by all!) which seems unwise.

Oh yeah, gross Chihuahua tail!

Unknown said...

1000% agree with #5..."interesting" attitudes on the cashiers as well.

Mad Amy said...

Ha! This one made me laugh. Hate to say it but the more liberal the town the worse the shopping exoerience!