Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Internal Visigoth Memo re: Roman election night

TO: Alaric I, King of the Visigoths, Exalted Leader, &c.

FROM: Gregor, Lord of the Campaign

RE: Post-Mortem on Election Losses

To His Most Royal Majesty Alaric I:

As you are no doubt aware, we rather resoundingly lost the election last night to the Roman Emperor.  Although of course the immediate execution of a large number of campaign staff will be necessary and called for, I'd like to take a moment and explore some areas where we might have failed to win the hearts and minds of the Roman electorate.

Women.  Whether fair or not, the Romans seemed to have the impression that we would either not advance women's rights or would take them backwards.  While of course I agree with your position that women are property and should be beaten mercilessly until they are compliant, it is possible - possible - that the majority of voters held another view.  Also, we should explore cutting down on using the terms "upright cattle," "fetus-carriers," and "kitchen whores" when referring to women in future elections.

Economy.  Romans have the sense that the economy is improving, and they still blame your predecessor Athanaric for existing economic problems.  Although this is demonstrably unfair and untrue, the repeated torture and execution of those perpetuating this blasphemy has failed to curb it.  Threatening to eliminate the Free Bread and Chariot Races was a mistake; these programs are very popular, even if they are expensive, and Romans will not stand for their elimination.  Also, your proposal to reduce the tax rate on the nobility, while proper and correct, might have been viewed with suspicion by the average Roman. It was probably a bad idea for your cousin to host his annual Let's Bathe Ourselves in Wine While Feasting on the Bodies of the Poor party last week.

Foreign Policy.  After years of fruitless and expensive wars against the barbarian hordes, Romans have little interest in more conflict.  Your proposal to launch wars against the Vandals, Franks, Goths, Spaniards, Cantabrians, Byzantines, and, well, every other organized society in Europe was of course magnificent and would no doubt have rained glory upon your memory, but failed to connect with the average Roman. 

Health Care.  A thousand pardons for this observation, Most Glorious One, but after you implemented a successful program of bleeding and leeches for the Visigoths, which the Romans then copied, it became difficult for you to disavow bleeding and leeches as a model healthcare plan.  While your suggestion of Letting Sick People Die would of course have been more budget-friendly in the long term, it was not popular with the Romans.

This is not to say that the Visigoths cannot continue to be a viable force in Roman politics.  We may need to soften the tone a little, though.  Suggesting that the Emperor is the bastard child of dirt-eating peasant hordes turned out to be an unsuccessful strategy.  And Rome may not be ready for our pro-rape agenda.  Nothing a little message tweaking can't fix.  Instead of "Vote Visigoth, or We Will Dismember Your Family and Feed Their Entrails to Our Dogs, If They Will Deign to Eat Such Trash," maybe something like "Vote Visigoth, For a Brighter Tomorrow," or something like that.  I'm just brainstorming here.

3 comments:

GG said...

Comparing the GOP to the Visigoths is an insult to Visigoths.

Tamagosan said...

Pretty much.

nancy namaste said...

Hilarious!