Friday, November 9, 2012

Presenting the Greatest Show in the History of Television, ever

It's on VH1 and it's called "Couples Therapy."  It's a reality show.  Basically they get several ZZZ-list "celebrities" who are having marital difficulties to move into a house with their maybe famous/maybe not spouses and try to Work Shit Out with the assistance of Dr. Jenn Berman, a foul-mouthed marriage counselor who has a radio show on Sirius and looks like the best friend in a romantic comedy.

There are so many amazing things about this show I barely know where to start.  So I'll just dive in.

One of the couples is underage Twitter whore/professional underdresser Courtney Stodden and her husband, That Guy From Lost.  To the extent that you've ever had any thoughts about Courtney Stodden, they're all true.  She is literally the Worst Thing on the Planet.  When Dr. Jenn Berman tries to institute a dress code to keep Courtney Stodden from wearing clothes that would make a San Pablo Ave. hooker embarrassed, Courtney Stodden casts herself as the Rosa Parks of teen sluts and declares that she is unwilling to put on a shirt.  This causes Courtney Stodden and That Guy From Lost to be banished from the house, ONLY TO RETURN IN A FUTURE EPISODE.  DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.

Another one of the couples is TOO $HORT AND MONICA.  Holy shit, Too $hort, WTF?

Too $hort kind of wanders through the show with a constant "what the hell am I doing here" expression, which makes perfect sense.

Another couple is some guy named Nik who runs a website called The Dirty that I had never heard of and his wife, Lorenzo Lamas' daughter Shayne.  They got married in Vegas after knowing each other for an hour and a half!  And then had kids!  They clearly, CLEARLY loathe each other.  I hate them both with the white-hot intensity of molten platinum.  If there were any justice in the world they would both be working the night shift at a Huddle House in Mobile, Alabama instead of constantly fighting with each other on TV.

I could go on, but it's just too much.  Oh, one more thing.  Every week Dr. Jenn Berman brings in a guest to I guess tell the fractured couples about how to be better at marriage and one week it was this guy whose story was that he STALKED A CHICK HE SAW ON A MAGAZINE COVER FOR 20 YEARS and then when he finally broke up with his boring-ass first wife he got in touch with her and she somehow agreed to MARRY THIS CREEPER.  What a true tale of love and inspiration!  The lesson is: Get fixated on the platonic ideal of a woman you want and then wait out your first bullshit marriage and YOU SHALL HAVE HER.  See?  Isn't your marriage all fixed up now?

This show is more important than the Fiscal Cliff and the Mars Rover combined. Get on it.


GG said...

1) Courtney trying to explain why her dressing like a whore "saves lives" was possibly the best thing I've ever seen on TV. 2) WTF is up with Dr. Jenn's teeth? I find it really distracting.

TK said...

I KNOW! THAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER. I think it had to do with bullying or something. Not 100% sure.

Tamagosan said...

Wow. We are certainly a LONG way from Freaky Tales, now aren't we? Bringing this into my life may very well be your crowning achievement, TK. And I know you've just mentioned the tip of the iceberg (pimping reference intended) of its true glory.

I love how reality TV is finally acknowledging that the people in the show are messed up to begin with. I need to surreptitiously set this to record on my bf's DVR. Darn our no-cable household.

I'll say it again: Thank you.

GG said...

Hey lady, you're welcome to come over and watch it at my house ANY TIME! Seriously!

Tamagosan said...

Oh I see an epic MST3K-style bonanza coming on! Sweetness.

Alissa said...

Courtney Stodden was born in 1994.