Friday, September 28, 2012

Urban etiquette: You and Your Fucking Cell Phone

BASIC RULE: Never talk on your cell phone in public, ever.

OK, maybe that's unrealistic.  If your arm has been severed and you're gushing fountains of blood onto Van Ness and some guy is still trying to sell you a Street Sheet even as you start to lose consciousness, maybe then. 


Still too restrictive? Let's try and set some parameters then.

1. Interacting with Others: Don't Use Cell Phone

Look, maybe Walgreens clerks aren't Angels Sent From Heaven or Britney Spears or Your Mom.  Well, they might be your Mom, based on what I know about you.  Anyway, they're human beings and deserve common decency, which means interacting with them and saying "Thank You" and "Can you turn that display thing around so I can see how much my dental tape and copy of US Weekly and impulse buy Mr. Goodbar is going to cost?" instead of going blah blah blah into your phone and ignoring them. 

2. Crowded Public Transit Situation: Don't Use Cell Phone

True Story: I was on the 41-Union (which you already know this is going to be trouble, based on your 41-Union crowd) and some Jen in the back is braying into her phone about some meaningless crap and other people are talking and whatever and this Jen goes "Can you please hold it down?  I'M ON THE PHONE." 

Stunned silence.  It worked!

Don't be a Jen.  When you're on a crowded bus/train/whatever, keep your fucking voice down.  No one wants to hear about your new job or sexual exploits or family drama.  Well, it's possible I want to hear about your sexual exploits, so if you see me sidling up next to you, keep going with that.

3.  Everywhere: Turn Off the Fucking Click Sound

Hey hey hey, everybody, guess what? You can make your iPhone audibly CLICK every time you touch something so when you're texting your bros it can go CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK every time you hit a key so "idk" is CLICKCLICKCLICK and "c u l8r" is CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK.  Turn that feature off.

4. Here's a Good Test to Use if You're Wondering Whether You're Being an Asshole

If you're on your cell, and you hold up one finger in that "Wait just a second" motion, you're being an asshole.

5. If There Were Any Justice or Goodness in the World, You Could Be Legally Shot for These Things

- Talking EXTREMELY LOUDLY in an airport departure lounge about NOTHING. How can you tell? If you just used the phrase "I'm at the airport now."
- Talking on a cell phone in an elevator
- Looking at your Glowing Screen in a theater of any kind during a performance/show/band/movie.  I'm not even going to address answering your phone during a movie, because that is roughly the equivalent of lowering your pants and taking a shit in the middle of the sidewalk and I assume we all know that you can't do that.

6. Why are you even talking on your cell phone anyway? Do you not know about texting?

Texting is better in every situation, always. Just remember this simple rule: Always text, always.

4 comments:

thesoniashow said...

People who use their cell phones in movie theaters are worse than Hitler.

TK said...

That was an honest Godwin, Sonia.

Tamagosan said...

Agreed re: all.

Do you think this is mainly a problem with those older than, say, 21-ish? I'm thinking the kids, tech natives that they are, mainly text anyway, but also *may* have a better sense of when to and when not to be a cell phone asshole. Just putting it out there.

I've been yelled at for not waiting on someone who had been talking on their phone. Not my fault if you're invisible until you get off the phone!

hez said...

"...because that is roughly the equivalent of lowering your pants and taking a shit in the middle of the sidewalk and I assume we all know that you can't do that"

Haven't been to the Mission lately have you? Co's that shit is happening All. The. Time.