Signs of TRYING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE

WebMD! When they're not convincing my sister she has cancer, they're busy telling us what the symptoms of alcoholism are. WHAT:

Signs of alcohol abuse

• You have problems at work or school because of your drinking, such as being late or not going at all.
• You drink in risky situations, such as before or while driving a car.
• After drinking, you can't remember what happened while you were drinking (blackouts).
• You have legal problems because of your drinking, such as being arrested for harming someone or driving while drunk.
• You get hurt or you hurt someone else when you are drinking.
• You keep drinking even though you have health problems that are caused or made worse by alcohol use, such as liver disease (cirrhosis).
• Your friends or family members are worried about your drinking.

Yeah, my friends or family members are worried about my drinking. WHEN I DON'T BUY THEM A ROUND WOCKA WOCKA

You want to know the real Signs of alcohol abuse?

• You took home somebody you met at R Bar
• You laughed out loud watching a Will Farrell movie
• You listen to a Carrie Underwood song on repeat more than 8 times
• You found a Zima at the back of the fridge after a party and drank it
• You found some mouthwash under your laundry in the closet and drank it
• You found a drink someone left on the bar at Li Po and drank it
• You made Kraft Mac n Cheese after 8 pm
• You played "Sexy and I Know It" on a jukebox
• You're a member of my family

"You might not realize that you have a drinking problem. You might not drink large amounts when you drink. Or you might go for days or weeks between drinking episodes. But even if you don't drink very often, it's still possible to be abusing alcohol and to be at risk for becoming addicted to it," WebMD says. Shut up, WebMD. It's Friday.