The Bachelorette: Beheading looks good right about now

Know how I can tell we're in London? Because there is an Ironclad Rule of Stupid TV that whenever you are in London, you must show a red double-decker bus and play Rule Britannia. And that's what they do! Along with the usual establishing shots, i.e., Buckingham Palace. "We don't have anything like this in Charlotte," Ems says, I guess because Buckingham Palace isn't a strip mall with a Jiffy Lube and a Subway.

Our first solo date today is with Sean, a strapping lad with the intellect of a three-toed sloth. We begin by taking a bus tour of Famous Locales which Emily describes Just. Like. This. She. Is. Obviously. Reading. Off. A. Card. Look. There. Is. Westminster. Something. We have a so not planned in advance completely impromptu stop at Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park where Sean is summoned to deliver a speech the producers have provided him with about why the government owes a duty of care to its citizens no I mean about his parents are in love or something. Excruciating. Remember this word. It will appear again.

For dinner, we cavort over to the Tower of London where, Emily informs us, "King Henry lived." Oh, wait, "King Henry Eighth used to put all his wives locked up here and he beheaded two of 'em." Fantastic! Once again, no one touches their food. And Emily seems genuinely shocked that Sean, who is 28 years old, had his last date 4 months ago, and whose greatest fear is "forgetting my wallet," has not seriously considered how many kids he would like to have. Jesus Christ Emily not everyone whelps at 15 or whatever like you did and spends 24/7 thinking about how they can overpopulate the planet with vapid future sorority girls.

Through a little space between my fingers which are covering my eyes I can see we are off to Stratford Upon Avon to dig up Shakespeare's corpse and urinate on it and make it dance or something. Oh no, wait, we're just going to mug our way through 3 scenes from "Romeo and Juliet." Of course some of the guys have to play the Nurse and put on women's clothes and HA HA HA HA YOU ARE DRESSED UP LIKE A LADY SO FUNNY. There are some boring rehearsal scenes and then they do their little thing in front of a crowd and I recognize some of the people from the Hyde Park scene and I think the producers have paid a group of down-on-their-luck Brits about ₤25 to ride around in a van and watch some Americans debase themselves. Beats working! Ryan cannot stop talking about Arie's "woman dress" and, to paraphrase Shakespeare, methinks the steroid-addled crapmonkey doth protest too much. Here's that word again! Excruciating.

TIME FOR THE BIG DRAMA CONFRONTATION. You ready for this? OK. So. After the "performance," we are off to Ye Olde Pub for some pre-poured pints and while Sling Blade or somebody is off entrancing E it comes out that Krylon called Little Ricki "baggage" and that is Very Mean and everyone pretends to be outraged even though it's technically true and they're all thinking it but Ryan Phillippe from Cruel Intentions is the only one with enough balls, ironically, to say it. So this gives everyone the vapors and Doug runs to Emily to tell her about this disturbing news and she becomes overcome with emotion because Little Ricki is the Most Important Thing to her except when she's gallivanting all over the globe for months on end during the Brad season of The Bachelor.

I have to admit, though, when she said she was going to go "West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on his ass," I did have mad respect for that. Also: Girl fight!

The Big Confrontation. Doug is the Oprah here and seems to be running the show. She asks Krylon if he said it and he says yeah basically and she tells him to get the bleep mouth blurred out. Then shit gets confusing because E goes on a rant that will last the rest of the show about how nobody said anything about Krylon's heresy but WTF didn't Doug just tell her? I don't fucking get it.

Let us try to gather our shit and somehow move past this soul-crushing devastation and go on a solo date with Boy Band Hair Jef. Wow, he is wearing an outfit that took somebody in the Boys' Department at Ross easily 5 minutes to assemble. The first part is some boring British stuff with tea and then they're off to the Bell & Crown which, sadly, does not enjoy positive Yelp reviews, although you will enjoy this if you read it in a Cockney accent: "Nearly a fiver for a bitter and a pack of crisps?!! WTF sell walkers please not poncey tyrrells."

Since the whole Baggage Incident still weighs heavily on Emily's little slip of a mind, Jef decides to get into it and comes up with "If Ricki's baggage, then she's a Chloe handbag that I want to have forever."

WAIT WHAT.

Little Ricki (as visualized by Boy Band Hair Jef)

"Chloe," as I learned from asking The Wife "What the fuck did he just say?" last night, is a type of purse apparently. I don't know what is more bizarre, Jef's generous working knowledge of women's accessories or his stated desire to possess Little Ricki in the form of an $1800 purse forever. Weird weird weird.

OK, off for another uneaten meal. This time, it's dessert in the London Eye.


Some kind of a parfait thing? Looks delicious. WHY WON'T ANYONE EAT THEIR FUCKING FOOD THIS SEASON.

ANYWAY, blah blah blah sounds to me like Jef is auditioning for Em's best friend, not boyfriend. Oh, he does sketch out a creepy vision of "dance parties" he will have with Ricki while Emily's away. Emily, sweetie, hidden webcams. Invest. In a few. Just a thought.

At the cocktail party Sling Blade appears to be wearing either a hoodie or some kind of swashbuckler wear under his jacket. All Em wants to talk about is the Baggage Incident. Oddly, she doesn't ask to see Jef's handbag collection. Anyway, Alejandro, the San Francisco Mushroom Farmer, gets cut which is no big surprise because Little Ricki's gotten more screen time than he has. Let's move on.

Here for the Right Reasons Count: A disappointing 2.