The Bachelor: Rise of the Lizard Queen

Tonight it's off to Utah to either cull the herd or marry 'em all. OH NO HE DIDN'T JUST MAKE A POLYGAMY JOKE! You bet I did! BAM!

Anyway, let's start with a solo date with Rachel, the gravelly-voiced "fashion sales rep" from NYC. It's been bugging me who she reminds me of, and then I remembered: she looks like a less-porny version of Miss California contestant Brittany High of Larchmont Village! Uncanny, right? Whatever. Anyway, the news that Rachel is off for a solo date causes Kacie B. to start crying and I now have identified Kacie B. as the Girl Most Likely to Practice Signing "Mrs. Guy's Last Name" and Photoshop Herself and Guy Into Wedding Scenes and she is a little bit crazy.

So Rachel and Ben take the Inevitable Helicopter to some Peaceful Mountain Lake for a canoe trip/picnic. A conoenic, if you will. No, don't. Forget that. Anyway, they paddle around and then sit in awkward silence by the lake drinking champagne and boring each other. For the nighttime portion of the date, we are having dinner inside for a change, preceded by a lengthy voiceover from Ben about what a drag Rachel is. Ben wants to get some Feeling Talk going but Rachel isn't having it. When she finally cops to having communication issues, he gives her the rose. If she had said she was bipolar, she probably would have won the whole thing. Anyway, this segment was boring and I'm not helping.

OK, Group Date. B blathers on and on about how outdoorsy he is and rides up on a horse and they're going horseback riding and it looks just like "True Grit" instead of with dingbats instead of Jeff Bridges. Since life on The Bachelor is apparently inspired by the LL Bean catalog, this horseback riding leads to fly-fishing, or rather leads to a bunch of girls in hip waders throwing polyethylene fishing lines at 6 inches of water. I guarantee you - GUARANTEE YOU - there is someone in America turned on by chicks in hip waders. I'm not even Googling it but I bet you anything there's hip wader porn out there. Kacie B., shockingly, feels that her connection to Ben is getting stronger.

Anyway, Courtney drags Ben off and uses the time-proven seduction technique of talking about his favorite condiments. (Dijon mustard, if you must know). She catches a fish. Kacie feels a connection to it. She and the fish pick up right where they left off every time they see each other. She practices signing "Mrs. Brook Trout" on her 6th period English folder.

Nighttime drinks by the pool. Dental hygienist Nicki wants to talk about how her boss just died a week ago and WAY TO KILL THE MOOD NICKI. Also, what's up with the dental office now? Are you guys just going rogue and gonna keep hygiening without a trained dentist or what? Samantha bitches about being on 3 groups dates and YOINK, OFF WITH HER HEAD. B says she's "highly emotional" and tells her to GTFO. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BITCHING SAMANTHA. Courtney meanwhile greets B with a cheery "Hello, Jello," not kidding, she really said that and God she is so fucking annoying and she makes up some crap about feeling insecure and gets the I Can't Believe You Fell For That Rose. This obviously sends Kacie into a tailspin. Girl needs to pull her shit together.

Solo date with Jennifer. First stop: THE WELL OF SOULS. It's a hole in the ground that leads to a huge underground cave and seriously, ABC? This is what you consider a "date"? The idea is you put on a bikini and then rappel down into this thing and then probably die. Well, Jennifer's wearing a bikini anyway. I don't really see the point. Oblig outdoor dinner, it rains, blah blah blah, she gets a rose. Then we journey to an outdoor concert by someone named "Clay Walker," at which time member of the audience STARE RELENTLESSLY AT THEM. It is SUPER FUCKING CREEPY.


On to the Cocktail Party and it's TIME FOR DRAMA. Emily decides she's going to drop a dime on Courtney and tell B that bitch is a fake. Whoa, bad move, Em, SNITCHES R BITCHES.



The whole thing kinda backfires and B isn't that psyched to hear about this because he's totally into Courtney the Lizard Queen and Em kind of fucked this up. THEN WE GET SOME MAJOR DRAMS. Em is telling Casey (not Kacie, Casey, BTW) how fucked Lizard Queen is and Casey runs off to tell her and Lizard Queen licks her hard little lips and slurs that she wants to do one of three things to Em:

1. "Rip her head off"
2. "Verbally assault her"
3. "Shave her eyebrows"

RECORD SCRATCHING SOUND. Wait, what? Shave her eyebrows? I guess once you have her head torn from her lifeless bleeding corpse then shaving her eyebrows is the least of her worries. Anyway, Courtney is fucking disturbing and weird with her mouth and how she slurs all her words and her flat affect and it's hard to believe that Ben or any other vertebrate would be into her. AND STOP SAYING "WINNING" ALL THE TIME. IT WASN'T FUNNY WHEN CHARLIE SHEEN SAID IT AND YOU ARE NO CHARLIE SHEEN.

OK, Rose Ceremony. Monica gets cut. In the Crying Limo, she tearily confesses that "I want a marriage. I want kinds. I want it to last and I want it to be right and I'm skeptical that even exists any more." That's right! Ever since the gays started getting married, it's all gone to hell. They made it almost impossible for straight people to get married on national TV to someone they went on 3 dates with being followed by a camera crew.

B says their next stop is Vieques, Puerto Rico. Fucking Lizard Queen pipes up with "I was just there two months ago." You did not just fucking say that. What Ben should say is "WELL, BITCH, I'D HATE TO BORE YOU, SO WE GOT YOU A ROOM IN A TRAVELODGE IN HOBOKEN WHILE WE'RE IN PUERTO RICO" but instead he says "Well, we're going back." But seriously, that girl is not right.