The Bachelor: Who the fuck is "Jamie"?

Hey! We're in Puerto Rico. Is that a state or what? I can never remember.



We know they speak a different language there, because the first date card arrives and it's in Spanish! No problemo, Emily translates! Is there anything she can't do? She cures diseases! She calls Courtney a bitch! SHE SPEAKS FUCKING SPANISH. CALL ME, EMILY!!!

OK. I'm OK. I'm alright. The first solo date is with Dead Boss Nicki and her big deer eyes. After the obligatory helicopter ride, which is so played now it might as well be a pedicab, we land near some Spanish fort and grab some piraguas, a "shaved ice dessert shaped like a pyramid." Nicki says everything is great and "it's like God smiling down on us" except then it starts pouring fucking rain, prompting the two to go shopping for "authentic clothes." After a brief pit stop at La Bodega De Ropa Auténtica (Emily, quick check - how's that?) they emerge and Ben looks like a Desi Arnaz impersonator and Nicki looks like a tablecloth.


They just happen to come upon a Puerto Rican wedding (NOTE: not a euphemism) and this provides a chance to talk about Nicki's failed marriage. WELL DUH YOU SHOULD LIVE WITH SOMEONE FIRST BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED NICKI. How else are you supposed to find out about his weird bathroom habits or interest in Japanese tentacle porn?

For the night portion, we've switched back to normal person clothes and will have our usual outdoor dinner. Nicki is ready for her "second chance." HEY BITCH HOW ABOUT LETTING SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A FIRST CHANCE HUH? Her marriage only lasted 3 years, so she's not exactly a good bet. She gets the Honesty & Openness Rose and it's time for making out.

For our Group Date, we decamp with a bunch of chix to Roberto Clemente Stadium for some baseball! You know Lindzi's gonna be on this like an anorexic on a LiveJournal. She loves that Guy Stuff. As it turns out, they're gonna play some 5-on-5 and the winning team gets a "romantic beach party" and the losing team can probably still beat the Astros. Ben is the "designated pitcher" and motherfucker is getting LIT FUCKING UP. He gives up 5 runs in the first inning! Who the fuck is he, Barry Zito? BAM. Anyway, this game is only supposed to go 2 innings but they keep tying it up and it goes 5 and Jennifer fucking strikes out to lose it for the Blue Team. THIS IS FORESHADOWING REMEMBER THIS. Jennifer swings at something around her eyes and she is the Aaron Rowand of the Blue Team. OK, I'm all out of insider baseball jokes. The Blue Team is forced into a darkened school bus and taken to a gloomy swamp to be drowned or something.

The "Romantic Beach Party" is mostly a bore. Kacie B. manages to make it through without crying, so that's something. Meanwhile, Courtney the Lizard Queen gets her prey down to the beach and blathers on and on about skinny dipping and if you've seen any promo for this show you know where this is going. It's going to boring is where it's going.

Solo date with Elyse, who we haven't seen much of. They're out on a boat and Elyse is talking about how she's "done everything she wanted to do," like get a Master's and move to Florida. Sheesh, you could set your sights a little higher, Elyse. I bet she has a Master's in Getting Dumped because this date is not setting the world on fire. At our Outdoor Beach Dinner, Elyse lets it slip that she's "sick of being single" and is ready to marry whatever reality show contestant asks her first. Ben is not all that into her and cuts her loose. She is taken away in the Crying Boat and is fucking moaning and weeping and I wonder if she decompensates after every other first date that doesn't go well. Jesus Christ, get a hold of yourself, lady. You don't even know this badly-haired dork.

Back at Chick Ranch, the ladeez collectively FREAK OUT when the guy comes to take Elyse's bag away. Courtney opines that "maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out" and thanks Courtney for dropping every pop culture reference from last year over and over and over again. "Maybe Nyan Cat took her away!" Courtney also says it "blew my panties off," just like anything with an IMDB profile and a gold card.

A plan has formed in Courtney's primitive Lizard Brain. She muses, "I wonder if he's ever skinny dipped with a model before." Like she could get any more repellent. So she camps out by his door and baby voices her way into his room and they go down to the beach and take off their clothes and blah blah blah you've seen the commercial.

OK, cocktail party. B. feels "creepy" about his "intimate moment" with Lizard Queen. You ain't the only one, brother. Oh wait, Blakeley has something "very important" to tell him! Finally, she's going to tell him she used to be just "Blake." Oh, no, wait, she tells him that she writes something down about him every day! Ewww, speaking of creepy! Emily tries to salvage her prior mistake of talking shit about Courtney by TALKING MORE SHIT ABOUT COURTNEY. Jesus, Em, I love you, sweetie, but you've got to shut up about that shit. Seriously, girl. Stick with Spanish and diseases and you'll be fine.

Rose ceremony. Wait, JAMIE gets a rose? Has she been on this show the whole time? Where the fuck has she been hiding? OK, so we're down to Em and Jennifer and JENNIFER STRIKES OUT AGAIN. Yeah, I went there. She is taken away in the Crying Jeep to weep and weep and weep and wonder what she did wrong. LITTLE MORE TIME IN THE BATTING CAGE NEXT TIME, GIRLFRIEND.

Next week, B announces we're "going to the most glamorous city in Central America, PANAMA CITY, PANAMA!" Really? That's like saying we're going to the "Most glamorous store in the Discount Mall, T.J. MAXX!!!!" I don't know, maybe Panama City really is glamorous.



WE'LL SEE.