The Bachelor: Now with 35% more crazy!

[Previous seasons of this crap here, here, and here. God help you if you read through all that.]

Yes, friends, time to load up the Crazy Cannon and shoot despair and tragedy all over the TV again and, ew, not too happy about that metaphor, let's leave that alone and move on. This season we have simian winemaker/feelings-haver Ben, who is fresh off being dumped at the proposal by Ashley and is now ready to move on and "knows what [he's] looking for." Not Jennifer Love Hewitt, obvi!

We have returned, as we often do, to San Francisco and we have the usual establishing shots (cable cars, etc., etc.) interspersed with shots of Ben gazing out to sea REALLY HARD and now he's on a boat. Let's get on down to the Mansion in Malibu and here's Chris Harrison, who really does not age at all, I mean, that kid looks EXACTLY like he did in Season 1, and after some conversation about how Ashley dumped him and broke his heart, LET'S GO TO THE VIDEOTAPE AND MEET US SOME CHIX!!!!!!

Our first misspelled Lindsay is "Lindzi," who is either into horses or is one herself. Also hailing from the Land of the Curiously Spelled is "Kacie," who "wants this me to be a we," ugh. We then see her either doing an interpretive dance or signaling her Alien Overlords that she has achieved her goal of penetrating America's Most Sacred Institution and will now send reports form the inside.



Courtney claims to be a model, maybe for the National Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Foundation. Jamie has a sad story! She had "no Dad" and her mother had "dependency issues" and she had to raise her siblings and she is going to cry a lot, I can tell. Our second misspelled Lindsay is "Lyndsie," who is an "Internet entrepreneur" with a fake-sounding British accent that she can't even keep straight and has the annoying in-your-face personality of someone who wasn't hugged enough as a child.

Jenna is a "blogger" who lives in NYC and does Sex and the City stuff like sitting at an outdoor cafe with her glass of red wine and typing something on her laptop and then looking off wistfully into the distance. She is a handsome woman, I'll give her that! Nicki is 26 and divorced and can't figure out why her marriage at age 21 didn't work out. You're fine, Nicki! Jesus, stop talking about it already. We're all damaged goods at this point, babes.

More Chris interview with Ben. Feelings feelings feelings blah blah blah whatever. Chris wants to know if Dead Dad will be with him and Ben says "pieces of his father" are with him. Gross.

Alright, enough of this foolishness. Let's get these crazy bitches out of the limos and into our hearts. Here they come! Erika is a law student and tells Ben "You are guilty of being sexy." Jesus, who writes this shit? Ben's mouth says "That was funny" but his face betrays a different emotion.



Then they start coming in too fast. It's kind of a blur. Some chick says her nickname is the "Baconator." Not sure that's a detail I'd be broadcasting but whatever. Jenna seems to think that Long Awkward Pauses are the way to a man's heart. She didn't get the memo that Ben's not autistic. Much. Emily is in school studying "the transmission of disease," so she's in the right place! OH SNAP!! That was too easy, don't laugh at that.

Here come some more. Amber is wearing some kind of banana yellow window treatment as a dress and has a pronounced head tilt, like when you speak Spanish to a dog. You know you do that! Shira is an actress from LA and looks like an anorexic insect of some kind. I don't want to be too mean to Blakeley, but did anyone else find her a bit....manly? Lyndsie arrives. If they play that faux-British music every time she's on screen I will...I will continue to watch the show quietly or something. One chick sends out her grandma, whose occupation, disappointingly, is not "VIP Cocktail Waitress."

OK, time for the party. All these chicks seem about half-lit, except for the few that are full lit. There's the usual cattiness and all the bitches HATE the chick who brought grandma, but this is window dressing for the 2 main events:

1. Jenna must have apartments in Antarctica AND the Arctic, because bitch is BI-POLAR!!!! GET IT???? Ugh. Anyway, she's crazier than a shithouse rat and begins decompensating directly after her third glass of Korbel. Here she is tearing Monica a new one because Monica isn't in love with Ben yet. Monica wants to patch things up, so Jenna thoughtfully offers that "maybe we can share a tampon sometime." I didn't make that up. That's what she said. Do girls really talk like that? Anyway, Jenna is clearly insane and they should at least do some kind of basic mental health screening before putting these people on TV. She ends the episode with a good crying jag in the bathroom. That's how I end most episodes too!

2. Speaking of Monica, she and Blakeley have a serious cuddle puddle on the couch and she's playing with her hair and telling her how beautiful she looks and the whole scene is straight out of the Chill Room at a rave in 1996 and it really does look like they're about to make out and all we're missing is The Orb on the soundtrack. I mean, what the fucking fuck is going on this season. Decompensating Jenna! Sapphic Love on the Couch! Crazy intense Courtney with the eyes on the side of her head like a salmon! It's too much.

Let's just get to the Rose Ceremony and put this unpleasantness behind us. Ben starts with a boring speech. I'm sure he's a nice enough guy but I've met cacti that had more engaging personalities. Who are we keeping? Damaged Jamie and Post-op Blakeley and her Cuddle Buddy Monica with the Hate Eyes and Disease Transmitter Emily and I think every variant of "Casey" and THANK GOD YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING, at the producers' insistence, Trainwreck Jenna! Yay! Yay!

UPDATE: I'm not on Facebook (as I will pompously advise anyone who asks, like I'm so superior), but am advised that this post has been flagged on FB for being "abusive or spammy." I can't imagine how it's spammy, so it must be "abusive." I don't know how to not be abusive about the Bachelor, but in an effort to patch things up:

1. I'm sorry I said Lindzi might be a horse.
2. I'm sorry I can't string together more than 150 words without saying "fuck" or "Jesus."
3. I'm sorry I implied that Courtney looks like she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome even though she totally does.
4. I don't have any PERSONAL information that Emily is disease-spreading walking petri dish and you should hand sanitize every time you touch her.
5. Jenna really did say the tampon thing, so I'm not apologizing for that.

Can we be friends again? We cool here?