Friday, September 23, 2011

A true story of injustice averted. And a pop-punk cover of a Joni Mitchell song.

It's Friday! Thank God. Here's the Parasites' cover of Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now":

How I got here today: Go to bagel store. Order sesame bagel toasted with butter. Lady at counter asks if I want butter "on both sides." (Odd, but whatever.) VOILA. Parasites' cover of "Both Sides Now" pops into my head.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. Remember that whack-ass chick that's renting the garage next to my house? The one who's stealing the parking spaces? Who wanted to use our wireless network? SHE'S UP TO NO GOOD AGAIN.

First, a little backstory. As part of this bitch's quest to monopolize the parking spaces in front of our house, she parks her fucking beat-up hooptie scooter in one of the spaces to occupy it so then she can pull her car into the other half of the space and half in front of her fucking garage. I'm not explaining this right but you get the idea. Basically, her janky scooter is always always always parked in the same space in front of our house. She only moves it for street cleaning. It's basically a traffic cone with a basket.

So yesterday I'm coming home from my workstation and there's a Lexus SUV (annoying, I know, but that's another story) parked in front of the scooter WITH A NOTE ON THE WINDSHIELD. Oh yay. I love a good bitchy note. So I read it and basically it's Bitchy McBitchface accusing the Lexus of knocking over her piece of shit scooter! And she says "I've already reported this to my insurance company"! So I roll my eyes and go inside.

Where I talk to my sister (who is temporarily staying with us after breaking up w/ her bf, but that's a whole other story) who's just as nosy as I am and constantly watches the Outdoor Activity like I do and SHE SAW THE WHOLE THING GO DOWN. And guess what? LEXUS SUV HAS BEEN FALSELY ACCUSED. Sister says that Lexus parked and like an hour later the scooter topples over TOWARDS THE LEXUS and then McBitchface comes out and huffs around and leaves her Poison Pen Letter.

(I should explain that the windows of our living room are DIRECTLY ABOVE these parking spaces and if you're in the living room you basically see and hear everything that happens out there. It's not like she's sitting in the window spying on the neighborhood. Not that she wouldn't do that, but I don't think she was.)

WAIT IT GETS BETTER. As she is recounting this tale of False Accusation to me, LEXUS SUV OWNER WALKS UP AND READS THE NOTE AND STARTS INSPECTING THE SCENE OUTSIDE. She looks exactly like what you imagine when you hear "Lexus SUV owner." ANYWAY, I shove my sister out the door to right this injustice and volunteer to be a witness because anything that will fuck McBitchface is good with me. And the first thing Lexus says is "I DIDN'T HIT YOUR SCOOTER!!!!!!" and my sister is like "Chill, lady, not my scooter," and tells her the whole story and everything. JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED BITCH.

Wow, this a boring story. I just realized that. Sorry.


idrumgood said...

It'll be less boring once you tell us how it ends. I'm hoping for a fist fight.

Irene aka Ivy said...

I love posts about Bitchy McBitchface!!!

GG said...

You should have told her she could use your wi-fi, then changed the password and re-named the network "Network that is not available to that bitch who steals all the parking spaces." Also, come on, stop being such a pussy and call the DPT already. Of course you shouldn't do that to your neighbors under normal circumstances, but these aren't normal circumstances, and she is abusing your goodwill, especially if she is now using the spaces to run some sort of insurance scam. PLEASE let us know how the story ends.

TK said...

I've never been called a pussy on my own blog before! Wow, GG!

I've resisted calling DPT on her because I HATE SNITCHES but I guess it's time.

Don't worry. You guys will all find out how this ends.

Rocco said...


Lisa said...

Just out of the mildest curiosity, what exactly does someone who drives a Lexus SUV look like? No particular reason.

(It was my dead grandma's car, okay!? I didn't go and pick it out and purchase it. But frankly, I love it.)

.tupouleota. said...

lol @ the pussy comment

Well, a friend of mine had the same problem (shiny new beemer in place of hooptie scooter). One day she got fed up after realizing the neighbor's BMW wouldn't be finding a new parking home any time soon so she took a crap in a bag and dumped it on the BMW's hood and right over the air vents. BMW never returned.
You did say McBitch's scooter has a basket right???

*hoping for a great ending*

Anonymous said...

Please oh please point a webcam out your front window.

I'd pay extra to have you do play-by-play (since we're evidently not going to have any baseball to watch).