Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Bachelorette: I guess being a total asshole really does work

I suppose it's ironic or something that the Supreme Court is going to decide about the gays getting married tomorrow and here we are watching the single best argument for abolishing the institution of marriage.  Enough serious stuff!  Let's get to Germany and see if I can make it through this without doing a Nazi joke.  It's gonna be close!

We are in Munich.  Des has never been to Europe!  She starts out on a Solo Date with Chris who still looks like the Shins' James Mercer and knows how to say a thing in German!  I'm not sure what it was.  We're barely underway when ZOOP back to the hotel where Bryden, the Most Emo War Vet Ever, is feeling sad like a raincloud.  "Feelings aren't progressing the way they need to be," he mopes, listening to Dashboard Confessional on his brightly colored earbuds.  Later he will post a GIF of a sad puppy on his Tumblr.  Anyway, he's decided to go home and instead of just, you know, GOING HOME, he decides to stalk Chris and Des and ruin their day too, so to find them he goes up to random Germans and asks them if they've seen TV cameras, you know, other than the ones behind me.  FINALLY HE SPOTS THEM.


If you were Iraqis, you'd be dead by now, Chris and Des!  Anyway, he tells her he's taking off and, like the rest of us (and ABC for that matter) she wants to know why the fuck he flew from California to Germany just to turn around and leave.  Whatever dude.

Night finds us at Residenz, which is not the dance club at Sandals Negril, but is apparently some palace thing (and is administered by the charmingly named Bavarian Palace Department) that also hosts vapid Americans for candlelight dinners.  D bitches about how cold her ex was like Chris is her BFF or something.  "Girl, I know," Chris says. "Boys are the WORST."  Oh God, no, here comes some more of his awful, awful poetry.  This time it's AA BB CC couplets, which is even more 5th grade than his previous efforts.  "While I sit and look at you / I know that what I feel is true / Despite my lack of personality / Thanks for taking me to Germany."  Then she gives him a rose and there's some guy playing emo piano music and it's a shame Bryden's not here so he could cry and cry and put this guy on his Pinterest.

Group Date on Mt. Douchenkanzer.  There's a Yodeling Guy and all the jerks yodel and that's supposedly "embracing the culture" but it seems more like the Fisherman's Wharf of Germany.  There's a sledding thing.  Oh, Des says "It's been such a great day!  It brings me back to my childhood."  Like when they had to live outside and eat snow for dinner!  After some other boring shit, Human Skull appears with two glasses of yellow fluid and a strange tale.  Ten years ago, it seems, Human Skull "was here and made a big life decision."  Turns out he was traveling around Europe after graduation and I think decided not to be a priest?  Well, on behalf of your would-be parishoners, THANK YOU FOR THAT, HUMAN SKULL.  Last thing we need is you grinning maniacally through the confessional.  "THAT'LL BE SEVENTY MILLION HAIL MARYS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"

Then there's the Cage Match Date with Michael the Asshole and Ben.  MTA is committed to getting up in Ben's grille and calling him out and whatever and usually this ends badly for the caller-outer but LET'S SEE DUN DUN DUN. Oddly, they will spend the first portion of this date in a floating hot tub type contrivance that also is a boat and I guess the Sky Mall catalog actually sells something once in a while.  Asshole is getting all confrontational about Ben being an absent father and it's a good thing Bryden isn't here because his tears would fill and sink the Hot Tub Boat.  Then there's a supes awkward log cabin dinner and Asshole wants to know why Ben hasn't made more friends like this is fucking summer camp or Semester at Sea and also why he didn't go to church on Easter and what a fucking tool this prick is.  Anyway, blah blah blah, amazingly enough, Des keeps Asshole and boots Ben who, admittedly does seem hella shady but come on, you can't reward asshole behavior.

In a disturbing postscript, we see Ben in a limo where he says - honest to God - "You guys really missed out. The single dad from Texas. Hi Hollywood!"  These are the rantings of a deranged man.  "Where are we getting drunk? Let's have some fun tonight," he says.  FINALLY SOMEBODY GETS IT.

Oh, I guess I have to mention one other subplot that frankly I couldn't give a shit about but it seems somebody overheard 1920's Wanted Poster James bragging about how being on the show will get him mad tail back in Chicago.  NO FUCKING SHIT.  That's not a bug, it's a feature.  Anyway, a couple of these nimrods can't wait to run to Mommy and tell her what the bad man said but since we're skipping the cocktail party they don't get a chance yet.  Who fucking cares.  Let's give out the roses.  Juan Pablo gets one because Juan Pablo.  Wait, what did he say when he accepted it?  "Con Frito"?  Everybody loves Fritos.  MIKEY gets the boot.  We all continue to suffer. 

5 comments:

Michael Strickland said...

I was really hoping for a gay Nazi joke, but congratulations on your self discipline.

TK said...

Dammit, I hate to see an opportunity missed. Although my trove of gay Nazi jokes is admittedly small.

marie antionette said...

if you didn't do this there would be no point watching the show! love it.

TK said...

Thanks, marie!

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