Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Bachelorette: "Sucks, as in S-U-C-K-S"

Looks like the Tourism Board of, what, Croatia won this week's round of Who Bribed The Bachelorette Producers because when you think romance, you think Dubrovnik, right? PLIS TO BE MATING WITH DIS LADEE NOW AMERICAN EENVESTOR. Hey, at least we finally lost Lil Rikki! That chick was some serious baggage, oh, whoops, not supposed to say that.

We'll kick off our Croatian Whirlwind with a solo date with Travis. Travis has the flat affect of the tired or heavily medicated and so far has been a bit player. Em has her Lonely Planet guide out and they're off to Olde Towne to sample some local flavor, which in this case includes, hey, what the hell, buying some religious icons and tasting some ice cream. Careful where you set down that crucifix! Don't want to offend St. Hydrogenated Phattus. Cut to the predictable Nighttime Candlelight Dinner. Emz wants to know about why Travis's engagement broke up. I don't know, maybe his ex fell asleep listening to him and drowned in her Chunky soup or something. Gotta hand it to him, though, he's the first one to fucking SAY SOMETHING about how NO ONE TOUCHES THE FUCKING FOOD. I so desperately want someone to pick up a plastic lime and go "This food is fucking fake!" Dreams. That' s all I have left are my dreams. ANYWAY, they have a sweet hug and she friendzones him and no big shock there. Travis is the kind of guy you call to fix your water heater, not impregnate you with Rickie Model 2. Travis is sent into the rainy streets of Dubrovnik where, overcome with emotion, he angrily discards his umbrella.

Begone from my sight, Umbrella! You are heavy with the stench of failure!

HEY GUESS WHAT GUYS. Disney/Pixar has a new movie coming out and it's called Brave or something and I guess their target demo is chicks who drink Skinny Girl margaritas or angry male bloggers or whoever watches this show because there's a bigass tie-in segment on the Bachelorette this week! This takes the form of a Group Date where whoever is left minus Sling Blade all head out to the Opera House or something and pretend to enjoy this film. Then, as if that's not debasing enough, everyone is issued kilts and black muscle Ts and we're off to compete in some low-rent highland games thing. I will say this, the scenery in this episode makes me want to go to Croatia, no joke. What do they speak there? I should learn some Croatian phrases, like "Is there where Boy Band Hair Jef humiliated himself trying to throw a phone pole?" Oh, here we go:

Je li to gdje je dječak bend kosa Jef ponižen sam pokušava baciti telefonski stup?

Sure, that should be no problem.

Night falls on Croatia. Em is compelled to wear sequins in every nighttime scene this week, I see. She has a little Hang Time with everyone. Arie gets all Dashing Hero and throws her against the medieval wall for a little makeout. Meanwhile, Ugly Kid Chris gets the Smashed In Face rose.

Solo Date with Sling Blade, who prepares by carefully shaving his facial hair into some kind of Wu-Tang logo or Evil Supervillain look or something. I can't figure out what the fuck he's got going on there. They're off driving around Croatia and stopping to sample oysters which Ems promptly spits out because oysters are gross and plus who knows where that's been.

Over dinner, Sling Blade once again pushes the envelope in What The Fuck when he produces a handwritten list of the 12 Things He's Looking For in a Wife. Not kidding. He really did do this. It's predictable stuff that your typical Christian-lite Semi-Pro athlete would come up with, like "Always have beautiful hair" and "Let Jesus guide your housework" and shit like that. Ems, thank GOD, is fucking APPALLED, and for the first time I actually kinda like her. HOLY SHIT SHE CUTS HIM and then he tells her she's making a mistake for like 20 minutes but FUCK, good move, Ems! He is shocked. Oh shit, is he gonna hit her? He looks like he's gonna hit her. Oh, no, he didn't, OK. Well, Ryan, if it's any consolation, there's gotta be a 22-year-old drinking Sex on the Beaches in a TGI Fridays in Duluth who'll think you're aces.

Meanwhile, back at the Dubrovnik Most Pleasurable Tourist Chalet....

Someone asked them to define "irony."

Anyway, let's wrap this up. Cocktail party. More sequins. Sit-down with John, who is so on his way out he may as well keep dead people's funeral cards in his wallet. Oh wait. He does keep dead people's funeral cards in his wallet. You know how to turn a chick on? Gentle kisses to the neck: YES. Showing her dead people's funeral cards: NO. Meanwhile, Doug is cracking under the pressure. He has flop sweats and is weeping and squeaking out barely intelligible phrases. Who should she end up with, Doug? "Probably me." That's the kind of confidence we want!

So she chucks some roses around and it comes down to Funeral Cards and Probably Doug. This is so nerve-wracking that Em needs a minute and leaves the set and surprises Chris Harrison who appears to be having a smoke with some chick backstage but anyway the upshot of the whole thing is that she gets an extra rose and DOESN'T CUT ANYBODY. Oh for fuck's sake.


Skance said...

Arie is the one who threw her up against the wall for the making out, just like he saw Tom Cruise do in Days of Thunder.

TK said...

Oh shit, fixed.

Chris TK Harrison said...

Thank goodness for your blog! I can't believe what a bore the show has been. I'm also surprised at how effete a number of the men are! Too bad she let Ryan go!!!

Christina said...

I thought you needed to see this: http://www.tressugar.com/Books-Bachelor-Contestants-23578209. And thanks for the amusing posts. They make me feel slightly less dirty about watching this horrific show.

TK said...

Holy shit, Christina, I can't believe I've never seen Shawntel's book! What is that, self-published? And she's in a graveyard, for fuck's sake? WHOA.

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